


The Faithless

by darlings_elbow



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlings_elbow/pseuds/darlings_elbow
Summary: An extremely long (canon-compliant) fanfic recounting the lives of Dean Winchester and Castiel. The only difference is that I'm giving you what you want. Slow burn.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. Prologue

_ Dean. Dean, you are okay. I’ve got you. Everything is going to be okay.  _

_ Don’t worry Dean, you have been saved, you are the only things that matters now and I am not going to let anything hurt you anymore. _

_ Dean. You are good and you don’t have to hurt anymore.  _

_ It is time to save the world. _

_ Dean Winchester is Saved. _

***

It is not like Dean Winchester to sleep all that much, only ‘three or four hours’ every few days he would often proclaim to whoever asked, and tonight was no different.

One would be inclined to believe that after some time of not knowing why you (of all people) escaped hell _and_ discovered who pulled you out of hell, that after all that time one would find some sort of solace after getting their questions answered, and therefore, sleep a bit more knowing. But not Dean.

Dean lied still in his bed at Bobby’s. Both Dean and Bobby (along with all their weapon’s and of course Dean’s ’67 Chevy Impala) had appeared back at Bobby’s place after their earlier meeting with the so-called ‘Angel of the Lord’ Castiel. There was still a wind outside rattling the car frames about but that soon faded into the background. On top of the bed, the covers perfectly in place as if a motel maid had come in and made the bed, Dean continued to wonder about the angel.

 _He could not have been an angel. Angels don’t exist,_ Dean thought. Although Castiel had shown Dean his wings as definitive proof, he kept coming back around to the idea that _if_ angels were, in fact, real, then another hunter somewhere in history has seen one, or maybe even contacted one like Pamela (and maybe a bit more successfully too.)

Tossing and turning, and looking at the clock every five minutes seemed to be Dean’s favourite activity that night. They had been returned at around 4 o’clock in the morning, but it honestly looked more around midnight due to the dark night sky. Staring up at the flaking ceiling, Dean decided that his best option right now would be to get a drink because, just maybe, things might begin to make sense. Instead of his usual beer, he felt as if a whiskey, _something stronger_ , would do the job just nicely tonight. Dean plopped himself down in Bobby’s desk chair near the fireplace. There were open books and pieces of research scattered throughout the whole room let alone the desk, and Dean closed all the books and stacked up all the research into a pile on the side.

Dean, not caring, took a big gulp from the small, half-empty bottle and banged it on the desk. He sighed the heaviest sigh he probably has in his whole life and flung his head back over the back of the chair, closing his eyes. He could not rid that night’s events from his mind, God knows he wishes he could rid himself of Castiel and his own importance. All Dean could think about was the sound of the wind rattling the tin roof of the barn and the lights exploding when Castiel walked through the doors and past the devil’s trap, never bothering him.

Once again, Dean took another mouthful from the bottle. He didn’t care how it tasted and how it made his mouth dry, how the tangy liquid felt against his throat drinking that much at once. The more he drank from the bottle, in a considerably short amount of time, the more he thought, _just one more drink and it will make sense._ After all, maybe the pieces will come together perfectly when he sees what happened tonight from a different perspective and the fastest way to get to this perspective, Dean thought, would be to alter the mind just a little bit. So, Dean downed as much as he could and settled comfortably in the chair, head back, eyes closed.

 _Bobby_. How could he do that to Bobby? How is it possible to send a fully-grown man into a comatose-state sleep with just a touch of two fingers? All the evidence pointed towards Castiel being an angel as he declared, the ability to send Bobby into a deep sleep and his shadow-like wings… _No. It’s impossible Castiel cannot be an angel._ Dean was always told by his mother that angels were watching over him, so Castiel could not be an angel if he burned out his friend’s eyes just for trying to help Dean understand what happened to him and why he was pulled from hell, _she was helping me not harming me_ , Dean thought.

Too many thoughts were whizzing through Dean’s head, only taking a glimpse at one before another arose. The most common thought was what did God _need_ Dean Winchester to do? Hunt monsters? _I already do that. What more does he want from me?_ This was the most troubling question Dean had come across so far, so he took another long drink from the bottle and finished it. Dean let the rest of the whiskey settle in him before he opened his eyes. _Nothing._ Dean could not think of one reason why God would want him to do something and this was because, Dean settled one, God did not exist. Dean had simply never seen Him and therefore did not believe.

The amount of whiskey Dean had drunk over the course of an hour had taken its effect on him. Dean’s eyes began to become droopy and as soon as the empty bottle fell out of his hand he was asleep before it hit the ground.

Sooner than expected, Dean was met with the morning rays of the sun coating his face and shoulders. Dean rubbed his eyes with his fingers and slouched forwards in the chair, yawning, his head slightly pounding. He stood up and as he went to walk over to the kitchen almost tripped over the whiskey bottle he dropped from just a couple hours earlier. Dean slowly walked over and winced as he bent down and picked up the empty bottle, muttering an ‘oh my god’ under his breath and he rubbed the back of his head. Dean eventually made his way to the kitchen and tossed the empty bottle into the sink, turning on the spot he rested against the sink and rested his head in his hands. Dean still had no answers for what occurred last night. Pulling himself away from the countertop, Dean shuffled his way back into the chair feeling as if some weight had now been lifted off of him now that he was sitting again. As Dean slouched over the desk the sun caught his eyes, temporarily blinding him on the spot. The first words he heard that morning came just as he could see again

 _“Get out of my chair, boy,”_ Bobby said, yawning.

 _Here we go,_ Dean thought.


	2. Witnesses

_You should show me some respect._

_I dragged you out of hell._

_I can throw you back in._

Dean laid down to sleep around an hour ago, he always had his best night sleep right after a successful hunt. Although one would think that all that adrenaline from the kill would keep him up till the sun rises, it was different for Dean. He would feel a slight weight lift off his shoulders and get an hour and a bit of sleep – a reward for cleansing the world of another monster. However, something felt different about this last kill, something was off, Dean felt as if an inflated amount of importance should be attached to the kill. Slowly, Dean came to the realisation that he could feel himself sleeping, awakened by the fact that he could feel someone’s eyes piercing through his back.

Castiel was leaning against the kitchen countertop watching him for just a minute. Watching Dean sleep made him feel some sort of inner peace, Dean’s soul was just as righteous, just as good as when he was a child oblivious to all the evil in the world. Even after everything he committed and suffered through in Hell, after learning that the only reason he is on Earth is to work for God. Even after everything he feels about himself, Dean’s soul has never changed.

Dean blinked awake, still feeling a set of eyes on him. He looked around and squinted over at the kitchen, his eyes still adjusting to the darkness. _Of course, Castiel is here,_ Dean thought as he sighed. The whole house was quiet, you could hear a pin drop, and luckily everyone was sleeping as it seemed by Castiel’s mood that he wanted to talk alone. As Dean got up he made sure to walk carefully over the floorboards, making sure to step around the cracks so as to not make any noise.

As Dean got closer to Castiel he began to feel something bubbling up inside his chest, like a caged lion waiting to be set free. Dean could not explain this feeling, all he knew was that the look on Castiel’s face was not a good one and that Castiel knew something Dean did not.

‘Excellent job with The Witnesses,’ Castiel said in a deep, robotic-like voice like he was programmed to say it.

Dean was shocked, almost like Castiel had betrayed him. _He knew. He knew and he didn’t tell me what they were, how to stop them!_ Dean restrained himself from yelling at Castiel, mindful that both Sam and Bobby would want to sleep well after this emotionally draining kill. Instead, he took a nicer approach,

‘You were hip to all this?’ Dean asked.

It was only a few days ago when Castiel told him that God and the Angels had work for him to do, that God commanded it. _I guess this is what he meant by work_ , Dean thought after Castiel’s opening statement. Dean began a very angry conversation with Castiel. Dean’s mind was thrown into a frenzy of thoughts, as it tended to do when he was face-to-face and in an intimate conversation with a very discreet and self-righteous angel. _Dick_ , Dean internally scoffed.

In front of Castiel, Dean found it quite a challenge to contain his emotions. Maybe it was Castiel’s angelic presence or Dean’s lack of faith, but in this moment anger was seen in every aspect of Dean’s face, his eyes were serious, and when his mouth was closed you could see his jaw clench shut. Most of all, Castiel could tell that Dean was extremely tense and his soften expressions only made Dean furrowed his brows further. Although Castiel was attempting to aid the situation, it only made it worse.

What made Dean more irritated than what he already was is that his idea of angels; guardians, fluffy wings, halos, not complete dicks, was completely wrong. This did not bother Dean much; however, it was Castiel’s arrogant response which really triggered Dean. ‘ _Warriors’_ , Castiel said. Angels were warriors and telling Dean to _‘read the Bible,’_ did not make matters much better. Dean had to remind himself to keep taking deep breaths, to calm down as to not wake up the entire house.

Castiel soon got fed up with Dean’s ignorance, ‘I’m not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.’

It was Castiel’s blunt tone and inability to read the room which made Dean’s whisper turn louder into more of a whisper-scream. All of a sudden, Dean felt the responsibility of the whole world to fight back against Castiel on their behalf. This was God’s creation _(if there even is a God)_ and the way Castiel was talking about it, it was as if humanity meant nothing to him. Dean was spitting fury at Castiel. No longer being able to keep his cool, he was pushing back at Castiel and his “larger concerns” with every ounce of frustration he had, hoping that Castiel would get the right idea before he woke Sammy up,

‘If there is a God, what the hell is He waiting for, genocide, monsters roaming the Earth, the freaking Apocalypse? At what point does he lift a finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?” Dean simply decided to let all his uncontrolled anger out, he had enough of Castiel’s bullshit. The only thing that could make the situation worse is if Castiel replied to Dean outburst with something cliché and along the lines of ‘the Lord works in mysterious ways.’

There was a brief pause in their argument and Dean thought of killing Castiel but realised that he didn’t even know if Angels could be killed, let alone what could even kill them, and so never thought of it as a realistic solution again. Instead, Dean quickly pulled himself together, taking in a few deep breaths looking away from Castiel. Regathering his thoughts, Dean moved the conversation away from their fight and God and onto The Witnesses.

Moving over to lean on the kitchen countertop on Castiel’s left, Dean felt a little more relaxed, he was no longer fighting with Castiel about God and his shoulder began to loosen into a relaxed position, his arms crossed over his chest. Although Castiel had confirmed that the Rising of the Witnesses had been a sign of the Apocalypse, Dean had hoped that this was all the bad news he was going to get that night. As a messenger of God, Castiel only ever seemed to bring bad news,

‘Big things are afoot, Dean.’ Castiel said sorrowfully. He truly does feel for Dean, and now that they had moved their conversation over to discussing the Rising of the Witnesses, Castiel seemed more open to Dean. He should not be here telling Dean about the 66 Seals, they should be breaking them instead of letting them break, but nonetheless, Dean had to know.

‘The Rising of the Witnesses is one of the 66 Seals,’ Cas said, regretfully. _Dean should not have to know this_. It pained Castiel to have to tell him the whole, bitter truth.

‘Those Seals are being broken by Lilith.’ Castiel could see the obvious change in Dean’s character. As an angel it should not have affected him the way that it did, but Dean’s quick change in attitude pained him, _he should not have to know this,_ Castiel repeated to himself. This man had spent the whole of the last year trying to beat Lilith out of his cross-roads deal and now she is back to ruin his life, again, with the Apocalypse.

Dean’s attitude was no longer tense. The shock of Lilith being the number one problem, again, seemed to take something out of him, he could not help but let the wall he had built up while in conversation with Castiel crumble in front of his eyes. Dean could not help but let his face soften, his energy and ability to keep up this ‘nothing can hurt me’ façade had failed him. Everything now made sense, Lilith performed the spell, but that didn’t matter now that the Witnesses rose and although they were put back to rest, there was a glimmer of hope within Dean (something that he had not had in a very long time), that it could also mean that Lilith did not break this Seal.

However, Castiel as always, the bringer of bad news, rejected that glimmer of hope, ‘it doesn’t matter, the Seal was broken,’ and continued to explain to Dean what the breaking of the 66 Seals, regardless of fixing them, truly meant.

‘Think of the Seals as locks on a door’

‘Okay, last one opens and?’ Dean knew that Castiel would only reply with something bad, a possible mega-monster walking the Earth was Dean’s first thought, but nothing could prepare him for what Castiel would actually answer with, not even the apologetic look that Castiel gave Dean.

‘Lucifer walks free.’ 

Dean only briefly kept his cool in front of Castiel this time. Dean was only able to do this as he had yet to process what he had been told, _‘Lucifer walks free.’_ Dean’s heart skipped a beat and his face dropped, a feeling of helplessness rested over his face. _Lucifer. No it can’t be._ Lucifer was just a story they taught a demon Sunday school, Lucifer could not be real. desperation plagued Dean’s eyes, he was desperate for a miracle for this, for Lucifer, to not be real.

It was only after Castiel (rhetorically) asked Dean why they were down on Earth for the first time in two thousand years when Dean finally accepted that they would have to stop Lucifer from rising.

 _So,_ Dean thought, _this is what God and the Angels have in store for me. They want me, a human, to stop Lucifer, the King of Hell._ Dean could not believe what Castiel had just told him.

‘Well, bang up job so far. Stellar job with the Witnesses.’ Dean became extremely bitter, holding back tears that began to prick his eyes. He still could not comprehend why they wanted Dean to stop Lucifer and how he was even to do that in the first place. _Why couldn’t God or the Angels do it?_ It honestly sounded like a mess Heaven should clean up, not him. Dean could no longer hear what Castiel was telling him, he couldn’t help but just scoff at him, repeatedly.

‘Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week.’ Castiel had no regard for personal space, he had no more sympathy for Dean Winchester. The disrespect Dean, a human, was showing towards his fallen brethren had caused an unprecedented amount of anger to boil within Castiel. The Angels of Heaven was not some army to follow Dean around, and Castiel made that quite clear to Dean,

‘There’s a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell, I can throw you back in.’ Castiel spat, only inches away from Dean’s slightly frightened face. This brought Castiel great pleasure.

This made Dean extremely nervous. Castiel was only getting closer, invading his personal space and threatening to throw him back into the Pit, the worst place Dean had ever been. There are no words to describe what Hell was like for Dean, not even Hell could describe what it was like. _Hell_ was just a flimsy word that humans created to name where the bad souls went.

All Dean could do was blink and hope that he would wake up and everything was just a dream. That there were no such things as the 66 Seals and the Rising of Lucifer, and that he would wake from this terrible dream and it would be dark again with him lying in the middle of Bobby’s floor on a mat. But this did not happen. Dean woke and it was morning, the sun shining through the blinds. Sam was walking around and was fully dressed. Dean knew that deep down what he had just experienced was, sadly, not a dream and that he would, truly, have to prevent Lucifer from Rising.

_Fuck._


	3. In The Beginning

_Destiny can't be changed, Dean._

_All roads lead to the same destination._

Castiel suddenly appeared in the car as Dean was driving to a young Daniel Elkins in Manning, Colorado, to retrieve Samuel Colt’s gun. Dean jumped in his seat out of fright and gasped,

‘So, what, God is my co-pilot, is that it?’

Castiel did not respond. ‘Well, you’re a regular Chatty Cathy,’ Dean added, smartly. Castiel rolled his eyes.

Dean looked back to the long, empty stretch of road and continued to think about Sam, _he would have wanted to be here; to see mum and dad, to change his own fate. Why not bring him back too?_

‘You have to do this alone, Dean,’ Castiel said plainly.

Dean rolled his eyes and looked over to Castiel, ‘No more Professor X-ing me, okay,’ he said with his index finger raised poking Castiel in the shoulder. This was more of an order than a real request. Castiel, once again, chose not to respond.

Dean continued, ‘if I do this, then the family curse breaks, right? Mom and Dad live happily ever after. Sam and I grow up playing Little league and chasing tail?’ Dean could only dream of a simple life like this. In fact, he dreamed of this all too often, wondering what life would be like not knowing about all the evil in the world. Sure, he sees how ordinary people react to monsters every day, but imagine not needing to react to the evil, the happiness in just living thinking that the only true evil in the world once resided in Genghis Khan, Hitler and Stalin.

Castiel decided to respond this time, ‘you realise, if you do alter the future – your father, you, Sam – you’ll never become hunters and all those people you saved, they’ll all die.’

Dean continued to stare out onto the open road, contemplating what Castiel said with a small shake of the head and a sigh. Dean cared about all the people he saved, he cared too much for them. Though it seemed to come off a Dean being rather rude towards Castiel, this is not what Dean meant at all,

‘But these are my parents. I’m not gonna let them die again. I can’t.’ Dean said, his voice cracking a little at the end. He looked over at Castiel and matched his stare. Castiel nodded and disappeared from sight. Dean hit the steering wheel, _fricking angels._ At the thought of letting his parents die, again, a great shiver erupted from the base of his spine and followed all the way up to his neck.

***

After the violent altercation with Azazel possessing his grandfather’s body, Dean could only pray that he could get to his mother in time before something bad could happen. As Dean approached the clearing his heart was pounding, almost out of his chest, and his mouth became extremely dry. The car’s headlights reflected onto an old wooden structure and then onto Mary and Azazel, he was too late, Mary and Azazel were kissing which only meant that Mary had made a deal with him. Dean could not believe his eyes, as he watched from behind the windscreen of the car, he couldn’t break the family curse, a lasting feeling of hopelessness and shock washed over Dean as he got out of the car.

‘No,’ Dean sharply called out as the two pulled apart.

The only thing that Dean could do now was to kill Azazel so that he wouldn’t be able to contaminate Sam with demon blood and kill his mother in ten years. A wave of responsibility blinded Dean and as he cocked the gun Azazel smirked at him and left his grandfather, Samuel’s, body. A cloud of black smoke filled the night sky and darted away. Dean had failed yet again, and if his father were still alive in the future he would never have heard the end of it, Dean was sure that he would be punished for it.

Dean lowered the Colt as he saw his mother’s tear-stained face. He felt sorry for her, the love of her life – his father – had died trying to protect Mary from what he thought was her dad. Dean had done the same thing with Sammy only a couple years earlier. Maybe he was more like his mother than he knew…

Dean’s body fell limp watching his mother turn her back on him, reconnecting with his father. Dean’s green eyes began to water, a tear resting on his bottom eyelash. Standing there, watching them embrace, _I couldn’t stop it,_ Dean thought. He wanted to break down.

Castiel appeared silently behind him and softly laid a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean turned his head and was greeted with Castiel’s remorseful blue eyes. In fact, Castiel seemed to personify remorse. He hated to send Dean back in time to watch Mary make a deal with Azazel, a deal that would ruin his life, knowing that he would not be able to stop it.

When Dean and Castiel’s eyes met, Dean could tell how sorry Castiel was and almost broke down in his arms, it did not matter if he was a _junkless_ _angel_ as Dean often called him in his head. It was a very odd look for an angel considering that they did not feel regular emotions like humanity did, but Dead could have sworn Castiel’s eyes were glazed over with tears. Instead of putting on a façade and pretending as if everything was fine, after their last conversation, Dean somehow felt like he could finally trust Castiel. Dean was not ashamed to feel vulnerable around Castiel anymore.

Dean could think of no words to describe how they both felt, the only thing that could come close to explaining it was that they were absolutely exhausted. Castiel, although he did not know it, was exhausted in having to constantly put Dean through these types of situations; telling him about the Apocalypse and sending him through time, telling him to fix something he knows he cannot. Dean was exhausted for similar reasons, he felt useless in this battle against the evil of the world, against Lilith and Azazel. Dean wanted to scream so loud into the void of the night that it would hurt his throat to talk.

For the past few weeks, ever since Dean was raised from Hell, with tragedy and failure constantly chasing each other through the cycle of life, the Japanese word, _kuebiko,_ is exactly how Dean felt. _Kuebiko_ , adopted by the English language, refers to the fatigue generated by senseless violence. At this point in time Dean just could not understand. _Why does this have to happen to my family? Who chose us? Why does this have to happen at all?_

Dean almost didn’t notice when Castiel brought him back to his own reality, but yet, he woke with a startle to Castiel standing at the edge of his bed back in the beat-up motel he initially fell asleep in. It had felt like a nightmare, an extremely realistic nightmare, but somewhere deep down Dean knew that it wasn’t, anytime he was with Castiel he knew that whatever he was doing was real.

Dean sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed next to Castiel. Taking in his surroundings, Dean breathed several heavy breaths before he spoke,

‘I couldn’t stop any of it,’ he said softly, defeated.

Although Dean already knew it, he just couldn’t believe it so he had to ask, ‘she still died in the nursery, didn’t she?’ Dean looked over at Castiel and pleaded with him, hoping that somehow it just was not true.

‘Don’t be too hard on yourself. You couldn’t have stopped it,’ Castiel said in response, looking over at Dean, matching his gaze and tilting his head a little.

Dean stood up and matched Castiel’s height. He was confused, why would Castiel send him back to 1973 if there wasn’t even the slightest chance that Dean could have change what happened. He felt as if he could trust Castiel after their conversation on the way to collect the Colt, that he could finally open up to him.

‘You can’t change destiny, Dean. All roads lead to the same destination,’ Castiel said bluntly.

Dean should have been furious, Castiel had sent him back in time to change destiny, something that only God could control. Dean should be just as angry, even more so now, than when he was with Castiel after The Witnesses, but he just couldn’t be angry with him, it was like it wasn’t even an option.

Castiel said that Dean had to go back to 1973 _‘for the truth.’_ Dean could get behind that, knowing what the source of the family curse was, why Azazel had killed his mother in the first place, but why did Castiel send him back in time when he could’ve just told him instead, he was dumbfounded.

Castiel and Dean were finally on the same level and could truly understand each other. There was no longer any misunderstandings between the two and they could read each other perfectly now. Castiel’s soft looks were enough for Dean to understand that he did not like doing this to Dean, keeping him in the dark even if it was better than knowing.

Dean moved to be face-to-face with Castiel, only inches separating their faces, ‘it’s okay Cas. I get it,’ Dean said quietly as he placed a firm hand on Cas’ shoulder, he wanted to pull him into a hug but Dean knew that Cas would not have known such an endearing gesture was and left it at that.

Cas looked up at Dean and just for a second looked deep into his green eyes and reached for Dean’s hand and removed it from his shoulder,

‘Sam’s at 245 Waterman.’ Cas said as he looked down at the ground.

Dean walked around to the other side of the bed and gathered his things; his brown leather jacket and his gun under the pillow.

‘I researched what Professor X was after I left…and I’m sorry that I Professor X-ed you, again, but I knew you wanted to know.’ Cas said quietly, almost listening. He had just gotten on good terms with Dean and he did not want to ruin that so quickly, but Dean had ought to know the truth.

As Dean was checking his gun, Cas turned and said to Dean in an assertive voice,

‘Your brother is headed down a dangerous road, Dean, and we’re not sure where it leads. So stop it, or we will.’

Cas’ threat seemed to get enough of Dean’s attention, taking him by surprise. The worry that was plastered over Dean’s face just seconds ago was replaced with shock as he looked up and met Cas’ eyes. Dean’s eyes thinned and his mouth dropped open and quickly closed like he wanted to say something, but he kept silent. Dean could not believe what Cas had just told him, and instead of responding, Dean just shrugged that comment right over his shoulders and walked out the door, leaving Cas alone in the room, on his way to 425 Waterman.

Although Dean had not been back walking the Earth for a while, he still could have known if something was off with Sam; Castiel must have been lying. Dean wondered on his way to Same, what would lead Cas to even say something like that?


	4. Samhain

_I am not a hammer._

_I have questions. I have doubts._

_I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore._

  
  


This whole hunt Dean had felt a little off and had suspected that this may have something to do with Lucifer and the 66 Seals Cas had warned him about. Dean was almost entirely sure after he visited the High School (and a talk with the Art teacher who had explained to them the nature of Tracy Davis’ art), that this Tracy girl was indeed the witch who the hex bags Sam found belonged. 

It was only when they reached the motel and Sam pulled his gun on Castiel when Dean’s suspicions were confirmed. This was no ordinary hunt; it was one of the Seals that he had to keep from breaking. 

‘Sam, Sam wait!’ Dean exclaimed as he reached to lower Sam’s arm. ‘That’s Castiel. It’s the angel,’ Dean concluded in a softer voice as he spoke Castiel’s name. ‘Him I don’t know,’ Dean added, eyeing the man staring out the window on the other side of the room. 

It took a second for Sam to process that he was standing in front of _the_ Castiel, the angel that Dean had talked about a lot. Dean rolled his eyes at the mess that was Sam attempting to introduce himself to Cas and took it as a sign to close to the motel room door, scanning the small parking lot for anything out of place. 

Dean re-entered the conversation as Castiel spoke,

‘Sam Winchester. The boy with the demon blood. Glad to hear you’ve ceased your extra-curricular activities.’

The mysterious man at the back of the room then spoke up in a rather deep voice, ‘let’s keep it that way,’ but did not turn around to face them.

Although Dean asked who this man was, Cas ignored him and, looking Dean in the eye, asked if they had stopped the raising of Samhain. Cas had a worried look on his face, his eyes swirling with concern and his voice had a particular snap to it. 

‘Dean have you located the witch?’ asked Cas. 

Dean could tell that there was something wrong with Cas, he was snappier than usual and maybe it was because of the other man in the room, but Cas didn’t seem like Cas, to Dean, he seemed like Castiel, _the Angel of the Lord_. But still, Dean played along, _maybe it would pass._

‘Yes, we’ve located the witch,’ Dean said in an _obviously_ -type tone

‘And, is the witch dead.’

‘No, but-’ Sam interrupted but was immediately cut off by Dean

‘-We know who it is,’ Dean concluded as he raised his eyebrows as if that was a good enough answer for Cas.

‘Apparently, the witch knows who you are too,’ Cas said as he walked over to the bedside table and picked up a hex bag, ‘this was inside the wall of your room.’

Dean finally understood why Cas appeared so worried, his room was laced with a hex bag, however, what Dean couldn’t understand was why Cas was worried about that. Nonetheless, Dean was thankful that Cas had come and found the bag, letting out a breath of relief. This would have never alarmed Castiel. Cas was an angel and Dean was a human, even though he was a part of his father’s creation, Cas knew that Dean meant more to the angel and to him than any other human did for over two millennia

The conversation between Dean and Cas had continued, although the two had looked away at each other and faced the two others in the room, it was still as if they were the only two in the motel room.

It was only after Cas had told Dean that they could not locate the witch did the mysterious man at the end of the room turn around. The bald man wore a suit and had a round face and a rather flat nose.

‘This is Uriel. He’s what you might call…a specialist,’ Cas hesitated on _specialist,_ Dean sensed that he was not entirely happy about Uriel’s presence in this town.

‘What kind of specialist?’ Dean asked and after getting no reply from either of the angels he pressed on, ‘what are you going to do?’

As if brought into the reality of the situation by Dean’s worried voice, Cas answered, ‘you…both of you need to leave town,’ he stammered looking at Sam and Dean.

‘Why’ Dean questioned

‘Because we’re about to destroy it’ Cas responded. At first, it seemed as if Cas did not care of the hundreds of lives in this town, but as Cas looked away Dean saw a glimmer of regret in his eyes. Cas cared, Dean thought.

Dean and Cas continued on in their conversation about the survival of the town, Dean just could not understand why Cas was suddenly acting like this. Last time Dean and Cas were together Cas could not have felt sorrier for Dean after putting him through something in which he could never do, but now, Dean had the chance to save the town and prevent the Seal from being broken.

Cas leaned in closer to Dean, ‘Lucifer cannot rise. He does and Hell rises with him. Is that something that you’re willing to risk?’ Cas rhetorically asked, his eyes piercing into Dean’s soul, hoping that Dean would catch on and want to save the town as Cas wanted him to instead of following his orders.

Sam spoke up and said that they would find the witch in time and prevent the Seal from being broken like Dean thought they would. But Cas did not even acknowledge what Sam said, instead he looked deep into Dean’s eyes and quickly turned away. Uriel had spoken after Sam but neither Dean nor Cas recognised what he said.

‘We have no choice,’ was all that Cas could respond with.

‘Of course you have a choice,’ Dean said a little to Cas, a little too softly. He had forgotten that other people were in the room and restrained himself from placing a comforting hand on Cas’ shoulder (just like Cas had done when Dean witnessed the deal that would ruin their lives.)

‘You’ve never questioned a crap order? Are you just a couple of hammers? Dean continued.

Cas grew angrier by the second, scrunching up his nose. He was hoping that Dean would get the idea that this was something that Cas _had_ to do, something that Cas _had_ to tell them while in the presence of another angel, but Dean could just not understand what Cas wanted him to.

‘Look, even if you can’t understand it…have faith. The plan is just.’ Cas said as he turned back around to face Dean, searching to see if he had gotten the message yet, instead Sam questioned him,

‘How could you say that?’

‘Because it comes from heaven. That makes it just,’ Cas snapped.

‘Well, that must be nice, being so sure of yourselves.’ Dean said, now annoyed.

Cas resulted in testing Dean’s patience. _Maybe then Dean might just take charge and save the town without caring what the angels wanted to do,_ Cas thought, and so he provoked Dean,

‘Tell me something, Dean. When your father gave you an order didn’t you obey?’

This comment had obviously touched Dean in the wrong place, his eyebrows raised and he took a step back, looking away. As he looked back at Castiel, he straightened his back and took a deep breath, attempting to look down upon Cas.

‘Well, sorry boys. Looks like the plans have changed,’ Dean said sternly.

That comment was just enough to push Dean over the line and disregard anything that the angels wanted him to do, or what they wanted to do to the town. Dean was now taking control of the situation and this caused a great amount of glee within Cas. Dean was finally taking control and deciding that Cas knew he would, a decision that Cas wanted to make himself, he could not bear to see so much of God’s creation destroyed. The only problem now was Uriel, his presence in this decision irritated Cas a great deal.

‘You think you can stop us?’ Uriel said with a certain hilarity to it, as if a pair of humans could stop an angel.

‘No. But if your gonna smite this whole town, then you’re gonna have to smite us with it because we are not leaving.’ Dean said, taking a few steps closer to Uriel. Dean knew that he was not intimidating Uriel, but he was so sure of himself that Dena felt like he could do anything.

‘See, you went to the trouble of “raising me from perdition”, so I figure that I’m worth something to the man upstairs,’ Dean said, the corner of his lip raising at the end of the sentence, forming a small smirk. Uriel flinched when Dean quoted Cas from weeks ago and quickly scanned Castiel.

Cas was oddly impressed by this. This act of dominance coming from Dean, even when raced with a being that could so easily crush and kill him was rather surprising. Of course, Castiel knew who Dean was when he pulled him from hell and what he was capable of, but seeing Dean and the way he acted, this was a new experience for Cas and he did not know if he liked it or thought it was rather conceited

‘We can do this,’ Dean spoke as he turned towards Cas, pulling his focus away from the floor and into his green eyes. ‘We will find that witch, and we will stop the summoning.’ Cas kept quiet, still staring into Dean’s eyes.

‘Castiel. Do not let these-’ Uriel raised his voice but was cut off by Cas.

‘Enough,’ Cas said, holding out an arm while still looking at Dean and his striking green eyes.

‘I suggest you move quickly,’ Cas said in response, and Dean nodded softly.

***

Sam and Dean had failed to stop the rising of Samhain, even though Sam had sent him back to Hell, _just like The Witnesses,_ Dean thought to himself, _a failure._

Dean reached down and ripped some grass from the ground, picking at it like he used to do when he was a kid. This brought Dean some sort of peace. Although he didn’t have the best childhood, the fact that this was a common action for all children allowed Dean to let go and feel normal for just a moment. 

Sitting on a park bench watching the little kids play on the equipment, Dean had a singular thought about the angel Castiel, _Cas, I’m waiting for your ‘I told you so.’_

Just as quick as Dean had finished his thought had Castiel appeared on the edge of the park bench next to Dean’s. Dean could sense his presence, a small gush of wind blew over his left shoulder sending a shiver down his arm as he looked over and met Cas’ uniquely blue eyes, as blue as the wild ocean they were. 

The two of them sat in silence for a little while before Dean spoke first, 

‘Let me guess, you’re here for the “I told you so.”’

Cas could not help but let out a quiet chuckle, he shook his head and replied, ‘No-’ but was cut off by Dean,

‘Well...good, because I’m really not that interested.’ Dean commented without taking a look at Cas.

Dean seemed rather angry, _most likely at himself,_ Cas thought. Cas looked over at Dean and was met with a very tense person. This reminded Castiel of the night-time conversation they shared after the Rising of the Witnesses. This greatly bothered Cas for some unknown reason.

‘I’m not here to judge you, Dean,’ Cas had thought that by saying this it would cheer Dean up a little bit, but he was wrong,

‘Then why are you here?’ Dean said rather rudely.

‘Our orders-’ Cas began to explain himself and what he was trying to insinuate back at the motel but was cut off by Dean. It seemed that Cas talking about heaven did not sit well with this conversation.

‘I’ve just had enough of these _orders_ ’ Dean told Cas, this time looking at him, staring him down.

For all that Dean could muster, he could just not get angry at Cas.

‘My orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain. It was to do whatever you told me – told us – to do,’ Cas corrected. Castiel had a very manner-of-fact tone to him now and Dean was completely surprised by this. Just earlier was Cas very blunt with Dean, treating the situation as if it were ‘kill or be killed’. But now, Cas was just completely different, he was more relaxed, Dean noticed that he was even slouching on the bench, _the stick in his ass must have slipped out a little_ , Dean thought chuckling to himself.

As Dean leaned over, his arms resting on his tired knees he spoke,

‘Your orders were to follow my orders?’ Dean asked. He could not believe that Cas’ superiors told him, an angel, to follow a human. All he needed was some confirmation and maybe, just maybe, this would all have been worth it.

‘It was a test. To see how you would perform under battlefield conditions.’ Cas said in reply.

A smirk formed on Dean’s face, he could not help but let out a scoff. Although Dean was given his little bit of confirmation, it still didn’t seem all worth it like he hoped it would, in fact, it made him feel like he failed, again.

‘So I failed your test. I get it. But you know what, if you wanna wave that magic time travelling wand of yours and we got to do it all over again, I’d make the same call.’ Dean said as he looked from the children playing to Cas.

‘See I don’t know what’s gonna happen when these Seals are broken, hell, I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. All I know is that this, here, these kids, the swings, the trees, all of it, it’s still here because of my brother and me.’ Dean finished his little speech and Cas could not have felt more proud of him. This was what he was hoping Dean would catch onto at the motel. Cas wanted to save his father’s creation and Dean did just that.

Cas and Dean initially sat on the ends of two benches, however, just after Dean finished speaking Cas got up, looked around, and forcibly sat next to Dean. Dean looked him up and down as he quickly moved out of the way, sliding to the other end of the bench. Dean should have known that Cas would follow him to that end. Dean just gave up; his personal space had obviously just been invaded but Cas knew nothing of that. After the initial shock of the act (although Dean was still on guard, looking around to see if people were staring, which some were), he began to relax his posture around Cas, taking in what Cas was saying, grasping the severity of the situation.

‘You don’t understand me, Dean,’ Cas said, looking straight into Dean’s dark green eyes, Dean breaking the gaze as Cas continued, ‘I was praying that you would save this town,’ Cas finished.

This got Dean’s attention. Was this what Cas was trying to tell him back at the motel. Dean knew that something felt different between him and Cas at the hotel, he felt as if Cas was hesitant and remorseful, especially when he brought up his father. _Nah, I’m out of my mind_ , Dean thought. Still, Dean now felt this feeling of worthiness, maybe he was right.

‘These people, there all my father’s creations. They are works of art’ Cas said as he placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean looked down at it and back to Cas’ eyes. Cas did not know why, and frankly he did not care why, but he could sense Dean’s uneasiness and so dropped his hand and left it by his side for the rest of the conversation.

‘And yet, even though you stopped Samhain, the Seal was broken and we are still one step closer to all Hell on Earth for all of creation. Now that’s not an expression, that’s literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means,’ Cas said all at once, Dean not daring to even interrupt him in the slightest. Dean should have gotten angry at Cas for even mentioning Dean’s time in Hell, he wouldn’t even let Sammy bring it up. But, for some odd reason, he couldn’t get angry at Cas, not in the slightest.

It felt different coming from Cas, about Dean’s time in Hell, that is. Although Cas didn’t say it, he didn’t have to, Dean just knew that Cas understood why Dean did what he did in Hell. This, temporarily, made Dean feel better, to know that someone isn’t judging you for one of your weakest moments, it felt nice, comforting.

They both sat in silence for a couple of minutes, taking in and processing what Cas had just said. They both had their heads down, arms resting on their legs. Cas looked up first,

‘Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell a soul?’ Cas asked. At this, Dean immediately looked up and said okay.

‘I’m not…a hammer as you say. I have questions. I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore,’ Cas said cautiously.

Dean could see the panic and confusion on Cas’ face. How could he not, the last time an angel doubted heaven he was cast down into Hell.

‘Whether you passed or failed here it doesn’t matter, but in the coming months, you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight on your shoulders, Dean, I truly don’t,’ Cas finished.

Dean was speechless, there was nothing to say that could make the situation any better. Coming from Cas, this meant everything to Dean. Cas was the angel that pulled him from Hell, the only angel amongst the thousands in heaven who believed in him and saw him for who he truly was, a human, his father’s creation, unlike what the other angels like Uriel saw him as, a soldier.

Dean and Cas just sat there staring at each other. Cas’ soft face was a real comfort to Dean. This was the first time that Dean first felt affection towards Cas, but he obviously didn’t know it. Dean just thought it was empathy, empathy for the orders Cas has been given by his higher-ups.

It felt like it was just the two of them again, sitting on a bench in the park, no one watching them. They were both briefly at peace in each other’s company. This ended as bird’s call made Dean jump and look away. As Dean looked back at Cas he was gone. Instead of saying _‘fricking angels’_ as he usually would, Dean thought to himself _‘thanks Cas.’_

Dean and Castiel had now had a total of three intimate moments, and for all Dean knew, they were not going to stop. Dean could feel something that he could not explain whenever Cas was present, it didn’t matter if they were alone or in the company of others. Now, it always seemed like wherever Dean went, Cas was there following him, helping him, informing him, the two of them, Dean and Cas against the world.


	5. Rebellions

_You’re some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?_

_As a matter of fact, we are. And?_

After Ruby had notified Sam and Dean that demons were closing in on their location at the motel, the boys followed her advice and left for the cabin through the bathroom window. It took Sam a little while to fit through the window though. Instead of helping, Dean was teasing him by threatening to send a picture to Bobby, telling him it was because of the number of squats he was doing while he was gone,

‘Finally buffing up, Sammy,’ Dean said, chuckling. Sam death stared him and eventually wriggled out of the window.

Dean thought it would be safest to leave the car at the motel, to not bring any attention to them. They walked the way to the cabin where Ruby and Anna were, and on arrival, they were met with a very anxious Ruby and a rather calm Anna.

‘Ruby’s not like other demons. She saved my life,’ Anna explained after confirming that she was, indeed, okay.

After Dean had apologised and thanked Ruby for helping Sam after Dean had died and gone to Hell, Anna asked if she could call her parents just so they know that she is okay, ‘they must be completely freaked, Anna added.

‘Uhhh,’ Sam grunted. The atmosphere in the small cabin had thickened.

Sam and Dean exchanged a few looks. Dean was certainly not going to tell Anna what happened to her parents, _she didn’t ask me,_ Dean thought. By Dean’s logic, Sam was left all along to tell her the hard truth about the death of Anna’s parents.

Sam hesitantly sat down on the couch next to Anna, ‘your parents. I’m sorry.’ Sam said with great sorrow.

‘No, they’re not-’ Anna began.

‘Anna, I’m sorry,’ Sam repeated.

Anna began to weep uncontrollably. She threw her head into her lap and rocked on the spot, bringing her hands to her head. She could not comprehend that her parents had died and she had not been there to comfort them. At first, Anna attempted to convince herself that her parents were not dead and that she was still back at the Connor Beverley Behavioural Medicine Centre and this was just another delusion of hers. But this soon passed,

‘Why is this happening to me?’ Anna screamed out to no one in particular.

In this moment of grief for Anna, she was able to sense the presence of a pair of celestial beings, the shock brought her to sit upright and her head had left the comfort of her cupped hands, the only thing she could manage to say at his point was, ‘they’re coming.’

The lights in the cabin began to flicker and Sam led Anna into the back room, while Ruby locked the front door and Dean checked over his shotguns, giving one to Sam. Without the demon knife (which Sam had lost earlier that day), the only defence the three of them had were the salt rounds.

A loud force was up against the door, rattling it in its frame. It was only in a matter of seconds did the cabin door burst open, hitting the side wall, bringing in a strong wind. After a few seconds of silence, Castiel walked through the door, his tie loosened and with a worried look; Uriel in pursuit.

As Cas walked into the cabin, Dean immediately relaxed and his first thought was a soft, _Cas_. He had been hoping that Cas would show up sooner rather than later concerning the little demon problem they’ve been dealing with all day. Dean trusted that Cas could get him through this in relatively one piece. Dean was quietly praying that Cas would come to help him, he felt like he could not do this with Sam and Ruby by his side – he could never trust Ruby and he was just starting to understand Sam. At this point in time, Cas was the most trustful person Dean knew, other than Bobby.

Cas has that very familiar remorseful and worried look about him. Maybe this was because, yet again, he is doing something that he does not want to do and that could possibly get Dean hurt. Cas only saw Dean, he could sense Ruby, but that didn’t matter to him.

‘Please tell me you’re here to help. We’ve been having demon issues all day,’ Dean asked Cas specifically, ignoring Uriel.

Cas was brought back into the reality of the situation by Uriel’s deep voice,

‘I can see that. You want to explain why you have that stain in the room?’ Uriel said, no one answered, instead they all looked at Ruby, except for Cas, he was still staring at Dean.

The order from heaven was to find Anna, take her and kill her no matter the cost. Cas knew that the Winchesters had her and he did not want to risk the safety of Dean. Cas did not want to betray Dean’s trust. He had pulled him from Hell and, whether Dean had known it or not, Cas had kept an eye on him, looking out for him on hunts where Castiel was not required.

With Uriel present, he couldn’t let his guard down, which was especially hard around Dean as of late. Uriel was particularly good at deducing Cas’ thoughts, although angels didn’t necessarily have emotions like humans, Cas wore whatever he had on his sleeve.

However, Cas was given his order and he could see the sense in it, Anna was dangerous if she should be found in the hands of demons, moreover, she rebelled and heaven could not stand for that. Cas understood why she had to die but was it enough to sacrifice the trust of Dean Winchester?

With his position as an angel on the line, Cas decided that it had to be, ‘We’re here for Anna,’ Cas said as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

Cas bowed his head, looking at the ground – this had become Castiel’s favourite pass time recently. The conversation picked up between the Winchester boys and Uriel, but Cas could take no more,

‘She has to die,’ Cas said, wanting to get things over and done with. Castiel no longer wished to be near Dean Winchester as he felt that he could no longer control the remorse he had for him that so desperately wanted to escape and to apologise for everything.

 _I’m sorry Dean,_ Castiel thought, praying that Dean could somehow hear him.

‘I know she’s wiretapping your angel chats or whatever, but that’s no reason to gank her,’ Dean said extremely defensive of Anna.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll kill her gently,’ Uriel said smiling.

‘You are some heartless sons of bitches, you know that,’ Dean said.

This brought Cas’ attention and made him look at Dean in his captivating green eyes, reminding him of the Garden in Heaven. This is what Castiel needed to sacrifice and the only way he knew he could do that was if Heaven could see that Castiel resented Dean just as much as Dean will now.

‘As a matter of fact, we are, And?’ Cas said, bluntly, trying and successfully getting across that Dean Winchester meant absolutely nothing to Castiel.

Dean was shocked by what Cas had just said, taking him a second to understand what he really just said. _And…and, what did he mean by and?_ Dean could just not keep up with Castiel, in the beginning, he was a dick and then Dean finally felt that maybe Cas was alright, but Dean just guessed that was a moment of weakness for him, who was he to even remotely trust something supernatural even if it is an “Angel of the Lord.”

Dean could not speak, so Sam did, ‘And Anna’s an innocent girl.’

‘She is far from innocent,’ Castiel said immediately after, shaking his head.

At the sound of Cas’ voice, Dean finally found the courage to speak and confront the situation, _maybe this was just like the other week with Samhain and Cas in the motel,_ Dean prayed

‘Cas, what are you talking about, man?’ Dean asked

Instead, it was the deep voice of Uriel who replied, ‘It means she’s worse than the abomination you’ve been consorting with. Now give us the girl.’ Uriel all but screamed.

Dean had noticed that Cas was not speaking as much as he should, considering that he is Uriel’s superior and this struck Dean as quite odd. Instead, Cas’ eyes were glued to the floor, standing in the great, egotistical shadow of Uriel. Dean kept flicking his eyes between the conversation between Sam and Uriel and Cas, but Cas wouldn’t match his eyes, staring at the ground seemed like enough to him.

For Cas, this was a safety precaution as he knew that if he looked into Dean’s eyes, Uriel would know of his true intentions to never harm Dean if it came to it tonight.

‘Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate,’ Dean said. The snark in Dean’s voice was enough to make Cas smile briefly, long enough to stay in the moment, but short enough to not gain Uriel’s attention.

‘Who’s gonna stop us? You Two? Or this demon whore?’ Uriel snickered, throwing Ruby into a nearby window, attempting to kill her, thus rendering her useless for what is about to happen.

Dean grabbed the butt of his shotgun to bash into Uriel’s head but just as he came up behind him, Uriel turned around and began to punch him.

‘I’ve been waiting for this,’ Uriel growled at Dean

It was for the reason that Cas could not think of hurting Dean Winchester this night that he decided to approach Sam, eventually sending him into a deep sleep. But just as Sam fell to the ground and Cas grabbed the door handle to where Anna was hiding, that both Castiel and Uriel were expelled from the cabin in a great light.

All were groaning out of pain when they found Anna all bloodied with slit wrists, on the verge of passing out with a mysterious sigil on the mirror. The table was all bloodied and Dean worried that if he were to move Anna’s arms in any wrong way then that very may well be the end of her.

***

Dean was leaning against the hood of his car, a book out on the hood, reading it. Dean must have been reading that book for an hour before he closed it. Every so often the thought would run through his head that this was useless and that everything they already know is in this book, but still, Dean persisted.

Anna walked up beside him, Dean questioned, ‘Hey. Holding up okay?’

‘Trying. A little scared I guess,’ Anna replied.

Dean sighed out a casual ‘yeah’ and shook his head. This was almost a regular day for Sam and Dean, fighting monsters like this can get extremely messy and this was something they were just used to, so being with Anna made Dean realise just how fucked up the two of them were.

‘So, Dean, I just wanted to thank you. What you’re doing now and for what you said the other night, I thought I was alone in this world, that no one could understand what I was going through. You proved otherwise and…just thanks,’ Anna said all at once, not being able to meet Dean in the eye.

‘Woah, lets can the “thanks for trying” speech. Participation trophies suck ass,’ Dean laughed it off.

‘Maybe I don’t deserve to be saved,’ Anna

‘Don’t talk like that,’ Dean said, attempting, but failing, to lighten the conversation, bringing some hope back into Anna’s life.

‘I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It’s our murder one and I knew it. Maybe I’ve got to pay,’ Anna said, looking up at Dean with all seriousness. Dean just couldn’t seem to understand that Angels are really never given a second chance.

‘Yeah, well, we’ve all done things we got to pay for,’ Dean said, trying to prove, yet again, that Anna is not alone, that Dean understands what she is going through, that he can relate to what she is feeling, after all, he is the expert on deadbeat dads.

Anna moved to sit on the hood of the Impala in front of Dean, ‘I gotta tell you something. You’re not gonna like it,’ she said

‘Okay, what?’ Dean questioned. As if the night could not get any worse. Dean wasn’t expecting anything terrible, but by god was he wrong.

‘About a week ago, I heard the angels talking, about you, about what you did in Hell. Dean, I know. It wasn’t your fault,’ Anna confessed.

Dean felt extremely uncomfortable as Anna was talking. Yes, they had bonded over their horrible fathers and were the only people that could probably understand each other to the fullest extent, but this just felt so wrong to Dean. Even talking to Sam about Hell felt wrong. The only person that could talk to Dean about his experiences without making Dean feel anxious and uneasy was Cas. _Cas is gone, he was just another junkless son of a bitch,_ Dean thought to himself.

Anna cupped Dean’s cheek in her hand, ‘it wasn’t your fault. You should forgive yourself,’ she said in the most sincere tone.

‘Anna, I don’t wanna…I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna. I can’t talk about it,’ Dean said instinctively. Even after what Cas had done in the cabin, betraying Dean like, all he wanted to do was talk to Cas. _God damn it,_ Dean muttered under his breath, soft enough that Anna couldn’t hear it.

‘I know. But when you can you have people that wanna help. _You are not alone_ ,’ Anna said, putting a particular emphasis on Dean not being alone because after all, he was not. Dean had Bobby and Sam and in this particular career, that was more than enough.

Dean knew that he had all sorts of people to talk to about this when he wanted to, but at this point in time, all he wanted to do was to talk it out with Cas, after all, it was he who “gripped him tight and raised him for perdition.” He would give anything at this point to just have a conversation with the being who made all this happen, to get the answers he deserves, plain and simple.

_Cas._

Anna moved to kiss Dean gently on the lips.

‘What was the for?’ Dean asked, surprised.

‘You know, our last night on Earth,’ Anna replied

‘You're stealing my best line,’ Dean said. This was the last thing said between the two of them before Dean kissed Anna back.

The only reasoning that Dean put behind this act was partially to fulfil Anna’s “last night on Earth” wish, but mostly to distract himself from the thought of Cas.

As the kiss deepened, both Anna and Dean moved into the backseat of the Impala and let the night carry them away.

***

Dean knew that Castiel and Uriel would be back at the cabin any time soon, the only thing bringing him comfort was the cool metal of the flask and the refreshing bite that came with the whiskey. Small talk was made by Anna and Sam, Dean chipped in every so often as to not seem rude.

He felt it before it happened, the hairs on his neck and arms underneath his brown leather jacket stuck up, then came the wind howling against the walls of the cabin. Just as Dean looked over, he saw the cabin doors fling open and Castiel walk in with Uriel.

Dean got up immediately and stood next to Anna as Sam placed a protective hand around her. Dean instinctively thought that it was good to see Cas again but had to rid it from his mind because _Cas didn’t care anymore._

‘Hello Anna, it’s good to see you again,’ Castiel said in his very monotonous way.

‘How? How did you find us?’ Sam questioned, absolutely dumbfounded

All Castiel did was look over at Dean. Although Uriel had informed him of their private conversation, Castiel knew that he was not told the entire truth, all he was told was that Dean chose Sam over Anna, _like he always did,_ Cas thought. He admired Dean greatly for making a choice as difficult as this.

As Dean’s eyes met Castiel’s though, he did not share this sentiment. He was embarrassed, ashamed of himself for making a decision like this; although it was pretty clear that Dean would choose Sam over Anna, this is a type of ultimatum his father would have no problem fulfilling and it pained Dean. Not being able to meet Cas’ eyes, he instead adopted Cas’ choice to stare at the ground, anywhere but his eyes.

Both Sam and Anna got the message pretty clear, their mouths dropping open with shock,

‘Dean?’ Sam questioned, knowing that he was probably not going to get an answer from him.

The only thing Dean could say was a mere ‘sorry’ to Anna.

Almost instantly Sam refuted Dean’s _sorry_ with a simple ‘why?’

‘Because they gave him a choice. They either kill me or kill you. I know how their minds work,’ Anna explained.

Cas could barely look Anna in the eye. He knew what she had done and how dangerous she was, but after seeing how Dean had reacted to this whole situation, Cas could not help but feel some sort of sorrow and pity for Anna. Dean just kept silent during this whole ordeal.

Anna knew that her time was up last night when she had kissed Dean, and as a reminder of how free last night had made her, she grabbed Dean’s arm and kissed him well.

Castiel had sensed that something had happened between Dean and Anna in Dean’s silence. Castiel could not help but feel a little rage, Anna had betrayed Heaven and broken their promise to their father on obedience, Castiel felt as if Anna had no right to be angry at him and Uriel after breaking the promise like that. Besides, Dean is the human in _his_ charge, not Anna’s especially since she is wanted by heaven.

Cas was astonished at how Anna could get through to Dean this easily. Although Cas could not recognise the feeling, it was in fact jealousy, it would only be in years’ time when he would discover that, that the night in the barn, that was the first time Cas felt genuine human emotion and a genuine connection to Dean, beyond the profound bond that they already shared. Sure he had been showing Dean remorse and empathy, but that was his angelic nature. Even though angels were warriors of God, they still had the ability to be remorseful, grieve and show empathy and sympathy, especially when a fellow soldier died.

Anna pulled away and said, ‘you did the best you could. I forgive you.’

Dean felt tears forming on the base of his eyes, he wasn’t sure what made him feel like this. Maybe it was Anna's imminent death, or maybe it was the fact that Cas was put in an impossible situation. Killing a friend was hard, and Dean had seen enough friends and good people die.

‘Okay, no more tricks, no more running. I’m ready,’ Anna said bravely

‘I’m sorry,’ Castiel said in reply.

‘No, you’re not. Not really, you don’t know the feeling,’ Anna said sharply.

This hit Castiel at his core, they had a history together, they had fought together many times, protected each other. It was hard for a soldier to do this to their commanding officer.

‘Still, we have a history, orders are orders,’ Cas told her

‘I know. Just make it quick,’ Anna replied, confidently.

‘Don’t you touch a hair on that poor girl’s hair,’ a voice from behind them said. But Dean knew who it was, he just didn’t want to believe it. Dean turned around to meet the voice out of pure instinct, his mouth fell open as he saw Alastair. Dean knew that this was all a part of their plan to save Anna, but still, Dean had never felt this uncomfortable in his life – aside from his time in Hell, that is.

Uriel moved to confront Alastair, ‘How dare you come in this room, you pussing sore?’

‘Name-calling? That hurt my feelings, you sanctimonious, fanatical prick,’ Alastair retorted

‘Turn around and walk away now,’ Cas spoke.

Cas felt how uneasy Dean was when Alastair appeared and all he wanted to do was to comfort him and protect him from the monsters of Hell, but he had to restrain himself. Protecting the weapon of Heaven seemed like it would work as an excuse but to some, it may seem as if he disregarded Heaven’s orders, almost rebelling and Castiel could not have that.

‘Sure. Just give us the girl. We’ll make sure she gets punished good and proper,’ Alastair said with a smirk plastered on his face.

‘I won’t say it again. Leave now or we lay you to waste,’ Cas returned.

‘I think I’ll take my chances,’ Alastair simply said.

At this, Uriel moved to the two demons behind Alastair and began to fight them, shoving them into beams holding the cabin’s roof up.

Cas aimed for Alastair, punching him several times across the face, giving him an upper-cut. Cas knew what Alastair made Dean do in Hell and by god, did it feel good to punch Alastair like that. It was euphoric. The last time Cas felt this good was during the Vietnam War when his garrison (amongst others) was tasked with protecting Corporal John Winchester from an extremely dangerous demon battalion hell-bent on killing his entire unit as well as anybody nearby.

Sam, Dean and Anna just stood by and watched, without the demon knife and Anna’s grace they were practically useless.

As Cas went to go and smite Alastair, nothing happened and the three watching were just as shocked as Cas. He was following Heaven’s orders, so why could he not smite Alastair? This was the question that plagued all of their minds.

‘Sorry, kiddo. Why don’t you go run to daddy,’ Alastair said as the pushed Cas’ arms away and punched him, Cas flying backwards. Alastair grabbed Cas by his clothes and was held by his throat and began to chant some Latin spell.

Dean could not stand by while Alastair had Cas’ throat in his hands, muttering some Latin which sounded like some spell to expel Cas and possibly kill him. He grabbed a crowbar from a shelf on the wall and with all his strength, hit Alastair square across the jaw. Alastair let go of Cas and stumbled backwards, regaining his stance.

Dean dropped to his knees, he moved Cas’ face around in his hands, he looked ok just a little out of it, Dean observed.

‘Dean, Dean, Dean, I am so disappointed. You had such promise,’ Alastair angrily tormented, closing Sam and Dean’s windpipes.

Meanwhile, while all of this was happening, Uriel had smited the two other demons which were with Alastair, and, taking advantage of this opportunity, Anna had taken her grace which was around his neck and ingested it. The plan, she thought, was working to the t.

As Anna broke the vile on the ground, her grace started to swirl, entering her being. As Anna collapsed, she began to glow a great golden colour, her grace had finally been returned to her after some years.

‘Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes. SHUT YOUR EYES,’ Anna yelled, her whole body turning from a golden light to a blinding white light. Just as Sam, Dean and Ruby had covered their eyes, Alastair was vaporised and, Uriel and Cas just stared at her as she disappeared.

As Sam and Dean stood up, Dean instinctively let out a soft ‘Cas,’ although no one heard it, maybe Cas, but he wasn’t sure.

As Dean picked up the demon knife left by the vaporised Alastair he began to talk to Cas,

‘What are you waiting for? Aren’t you gonna go get Anna? Unless, of course, you’re scared,’ Dean said, eventually staring down Uriel.

‘This isn’t over,’ Uriel started at Dean. Getting on his nerves, Uriel was ready to teach Dean how to show some respect.

‘URIEL, no,’ Cas said firmly, holding an arm out to stop him while looking softly at Dean. After sharing a brief moment together, Cas took Uriel and they flew away.

***

Sam and Dean were sitting on the hood of the Impala drinking some beers, looking out at the scenery before them.

Cas had found himself alone in Heaven for the first time in a long time. He knew that Dean was not okay when he left him in the cabin and he knew that all Dean needed was someone to believe in him, that what he did in Hell was okay and that even Cas was surprised that Dean lasted as long as he did.

Cas turned into Sam and Dean’s conversation but thought nothing of it. Cas did not blame Sam, but Sam could not even comprehend anything of Hell, it was just a name given to it by humans.

‘It wasn’t four months, you know,’ Dean confessed to Sam.

Of course Cas knew that it wasn’t four months. The forty years that Dean spent in Hell, being tortured over and over again by Alastair, being sliced and carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey, Cas believed that he could not show Dean enough sympathy if they both lived for an eternity.

The forty years that Dean had spent in Hell, so had Cas. As soon as Dean made it to Hell, the whole of Heaven’s armies were in Hell fighting for their weapon. Cas had lost many friends in that fight, almost including himself.

Cas did not have any sense of time after he had been in Hell for the first three months, or thirty years down in Hell, that was when it happened. Little did Castiel know that it was when Dean began to torture others himself, did his near-death occur.

Cas was tired, he had been in Hell all that time not once returning to Heaven for anything. It was a lower order demon, something that he should have taken care of with no problems, but Cas was tired and had lost many close friends in his garrison. It was just one demon and Cas should have smited him within the minute they began to fight, but his mental fatigue got the better of him and his blade slipped through his fingers and the demon pierced his very essence with it. Cas could feel himself dying.

That was until Balthazar, his closest friend came to his rescue. Cas did not like to dwell on that memory; it was too hard for him. If it meant anything to Balthazar, Cas promised that his death would not be for nothing.

Castiel felt all of life re-entre him when he made it through the barrage of demons protecting Dean. Cas was never supposed to be the one who would raise Dean from Hell, it was supposed to be someone of more importance. Cas was alone, no one else had made is through the demons, and so, he took his chance and when he touched Dean and raised him, it felt like nothing he had ever experienced, all that Cas could compare it to was the feeling God would have had when he created humanity – and if he dared, maybe even more.

But, as Cas saw the tears well in Dean’s eyes, in the comfort of his solitude, Cas too began to weep. Cas gave Dean the freedom of continuing to live his life and the only thing that Cas could not give Dean was peace of mind in regards to his time in Hell.

‘I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls,’ Dean told Sam.

Cas let loose, he could no longer keep it together. Dean had meant everything to him, Dean had saved him from the depths of Hell and the grief and vengeance that Cas succumbed to after his best friend died.

As Dean’s lip began to quiver he said,

‘How I feel. Inside me. I wish I couldn’t feel anything Sammy, I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.’

Dean looked up to the sky to try and tame his feelings, his tears, but instead, he was met with a pair of clouds that look like wings, similar to the wings Cas had shown him when they first met.

 _Help me, Cas._ Dean thought softly.

 _Help me, Dean._ Cas thought softly. 


	6. On the Head of a Pin

_For what it’s worth,_

_I would give anything to not have you do this._

‘Home, crappy home,’ Dean sighed as he dumped his duffle on the small, unstable motel table as Sam turned the lights on. 

‘Winchester and Winchester. You are needed,’ Uriel said flicking his eyes between the brothers, finally resting on Dean. He was the one that was needed. 

Both Sam and Dean threw their heads back simultaneously, with Dean muttering a lazy ‘come on,’ to himself. 

‘Needed? We just got back from being needed,’ Dean exclaimed at Uriel, a crease forming in between his brows. Every time there were ‘needed’ either someone died or they couldn’t break a Seal. There was no in-between and this struck both Sam and Dean hard. 

‘Now, you mind your damn tone with me, boy,’ Uriel fired back. Every time Dean opened his mouth he found himself in an irate state. 

Both Sam and Dean were taken aback by what Uriel just said. He sounded like their father, they shared the same tone and venom in their words; and although it didn’t affect Sam as much, Dean briefly stood still like a deer caught in the headlights as anxiety came flowing through his veins. 

Cas could sense the terror that Dean was feeling. He knew how broken his soul was when he raised Dean from Hell, he knew what his father had done to him, but still, he stood in the back of the room in between the two beds. Heaven has begun to question Castiel’s loyalty and thus, Uriel began to take the reins more often. Oh, how Cas wanted to comfort Dean just so he’d know that he wasn’t alone, that’s all. 

Just as Dean came to, he flicked his eyes over to Cas and their eyes met, Dean’s full of shock and Cas full of sympathy, Cas tilted his head, that Castiel head-tilt. 

Dean noticed this, of course, but mistook this for the regular angel bullshit that he was prone to presenting. Dean had no idea that Castiel had begun to rebel in the eyes of Heaven. 

‘No. You watch your damn tone with us,’ Dean refuted, stepping forward, challenging Uriel. 

‘We just got back from Pamela’s funeral,’ Sam informed, but he knew that the angels would not necessarily care about that. Pamela was just a tiny speck to them. 

‘Pamela. You know, psychic Pamela?’ Dean rhetorically asked Uriel. He then shifted his attention towards Cas, ‘Cas, you remember her. You burned her eyes out,’ Dean said, chuckling as if the mood in the room would lighten. 

‘Yeah. Then she died saving one of your precious Seals,’ Dean continued rather angrily, ready to fight them if the moment arose. 

‘So maybe you can stop pushing us around like chess pieces FOR FIVE FREAKING MINUTES,’ Dean finished screaming. If it were an episode of The Looney Tunes Show, then Dean would have had a red face with steam coming from his ears. 

‘We raised you out of Hell for our purposes,’ Uriel reminded Dean. 

‘Really now? Because last time I remember Cas over there was the one that did all the dirty work,’ Dean added, scoffing at Uriel. 

Cas picked his head up and looked over at Dean. This caught his attention. Although he did it mean to, what Dean had just said re-awakened in him his grief over the angels who lost their lives fighting the demons protecting Dean. Cas was sure that if he was mortal like Sam and Dean he would definitely have nightmares over it. 

‘Dean, we know this is difficult to understand,’ Cas spoke, taking a step towards the three to join them in conversation. However, Uriel interrupted. 

‘And we-’ Uriel began, looking over to Cas, ‘-don’t care,’ he finished with a stern look on his face. Cas stepped back into place. 

Dean, once again, took notice of Cas' actions. _Maybe this isn’t their regular angel bullshit,_ Dean thought. 

The conversation that Uriel was leading continued, Dean briefly heard something about some dead angels, but that didn’t bother him. Instead, Dean was, once again, focusing solely on Cas and his delicate features. The only thing different now from before is that Cas was not looking back at Dean, his eyes were attached to the bland wall across from him. 

Dean could not help but notice how soft Cas was. Every time he was caught in a serious situation, or anxious Cas always seemed to be the softest person in the room. Dean always picked up on how delicate Cas’ jaw seemed to be; if he was a hunter, Dean thought, he would have definitely been told many times that he “has delicate features for a hunter.”

But most of all, Cas seemed sad, if that was even humanly possible. Maybe tired was a better fit. Dean observed that Cas had a crease in between his brow just like his own which formed on him when he got especially tired. Dean was not the only thing tired of the sudden angelic bullshit Dean was thrown into. Just as Dean.

 _No,_ thought Dean. Just _no,_ he internally persisted. 

Dean was only partly listening to the conversation (which was picked up by Sam who was informed that seven angels from their garrison were killed.) It was only when Cas spoke did Dean join the other two in the room.

‘Once we find out whoever it is,’ Cas said.

‘So you need our help hunting a demon?’ Dean asked, he could not possibly fathom some angels needing help first off, but hunting a demon was too hilarious for Dean that he ended up chuckling to himself.

‘Not quite. We have Alastair, but he won’t talk. Alastair’s will is very strong, we’ve arrived at an impasse’ Cas replied.

‘Obviously. He’s like a-a blackbelt in torture. I mean, you're out of your league,’ Dean responded still not understanding what Cas and Uriel wanted of them. 

‘That’s why we’ve come to his student,’ Uriel said as if it were no big deal.

After some silence, Cas spoke up,

‘Dean, you are our best hope,’ he said. Stepping forward so that he was closer to Dean, Cas tried his best to support Dean, but this only backfired. 

‘No. No way,’ Dean said almost immediately, nothing could change his mind, even if it was Alastair he would be torturing. 

Dean had spent a lot of time since he was top-side and living again repressing all the memories he had of Hell, or at least tried too. Dean thought that the more he’d hunt and the less time he had to think about Hell, the more he'd forget. But the nightmares persisted and Dean lost even more sleep. 

‘You can’t ask me to do this, Cas. Not-not this,’ Dean pleaded softly, all of the anger he had built up had suddenly vanished. He could feel the cool tears resting on the base of his eyes. 

As Uriel approached Dean he asked, ‘Who said anything about asking?’

In a split second, they were gone. Sam looked around the room _as if they would still be here,_ Sam thought to himself.

‘DAMN IT,’ Sam yelled. 

He threw his hands up over his head and sighed, walking over to the lumpy bed, falling on it. He stared at the ceiling for a bit, he knew he should have called Dean but as he began to search for his name only one stuck out, Ruby.

***

Dean appeared in an almost empty, rusted room. There was a rather large, lonesome table and a door with a small window looking in. As Dean peered inside he saw Alastair chained to an iron Star of David with a devil’s trap on the floor. 

‘The devil’s trap is old Enochian. He’s bound completely,’ Cas said appearing behind Dean a little too close, breathing down his neck as he spoke. 

Dean could only watch Alastair for so long before he began to feel hot. The desire to start taking off his layers was an indicator for Dean to turn around. 

‘Fascinating. Where’s the door?’ Dean asked, letting out some heavy breaths while trying to end the conversation. 

‘Where are you going?’ Cas asked in reply. 

‘I’m gonna hitch back to Cheyenne, thank you very much,’ Dean said loudly, muttering the thanks under his breath. 

‘Angels are dying, boy,’ Uriel appeared in front of Dean. The desire to strip off his layers had not completely left Dean and in fact, began to rise from the depths of his mind. 

‘Everybody’s dying these days,’ Dean played off. 

He thought that if he could stand and speak that the desire would go away. Except it didn’t, it only laid to the side like a dirty shirt, waiting to be used again, to be needed. 

‘I get it. You’re all-powerful, you can make me do whatever you want-’ Dean began, staring Uriel down

‘-but you can’t make me do this,’ Dean finished looking at Cas with his soft green eyes which gave Cas the will to continue. _It will be better in the long run,_ he kept reminding himself even if the short term would ruin him or Dean. 

‘This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it,’ Cas replied, walking towards Dean. Not once leaving his eyes, not once leaving Dean’s soul to the loneliness. 

Dean knew there was more than Cas was letting on and he knew that Cas would only explain it when Uriel’s presence was no longer. 

‘I wanna talk to Cas. Alone,’ Dean told Uriel.

‘I think I’ll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders,’ Uriel responded.

‘Well, go get some doughnuts while you're out,’ Dean smartly added with a touch of his classic _fuck you_ attitude. 

Uriel just laughed in response, ‘I’m just starting to like you boy.’ Dean’s smirk fell and his lips thinned.

As Uriel flew away Dean commented, ‘You guys don’t walk enough. You’re gonna get flabby.’ Cas just squinted and tilted his head, confused.

‘I’m starting to think junkless has a better sense of humour than you do,’ Dean said.

‘Uriel is the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anybody,’ Cas replied. 

He didn’t know why he was stalling. Was he nervous, putting as much time between him and torture as possible? Or did he just want to put off the whole idea of torture, because confronting Cas felt much safer than Uriel? Both were appealing to Dean, but no matter how much he wanted to leave the place and find Sam, he knew what he had to do was important to Cas; Dean could not get his desperate blue eyes and anxious eyebrow crease out of his mind. All in all, Dean knew that Cas would do the same for him.

‘What’s going on Cas? Since when does Uriel put _you_ on a leash?’ Dean asked, stepping forward and closing the distance between them. 

Dean knew of the severity of the situation and he was scared, he could feel his heart rate picking up deep down in his stomach. After quickly thinking it over, he knew that Cas would have protected him and tried to divert the angel’s attention away from Dean’s torturing abilities, but still, the angels landed on using Dean.

‘My superiors have begun to question my sympathies,’ Cas muttered head down not meeting Dean’s attention. He was embarrassed that he let a human, Dean, get through to him. Even more, so that Heaven found out, he thought he kept it a secret, but God was omniscient, how could he be surprised that Heaven thus knew.

‘What? Your sympathies?’ Dean questioned, lowering his head trying to meet Cas’ eyes, trying to understand.

Cas brought his head back up to meet Dean’s eyes, almost head butting him in the process, ‘I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You.’ He said with a little more confidence. 

‘They feel that I’ve begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt and this can impair my judgement,’ Cas said, turning on a 90-degree angle, facing the door to where Alastair was kept.

Dean just rolled his eyes. One of the very few things about Cas that annoyed Dean greatly was when he would turn away from the conversation. Dean knew that it was probably an angel thing, but still, it was irritating.

‘Well, tell Uriel, or whoever, that you don’t want me doing this. Trust me,’ Dean said, turning to face Cas and attempting to regain his eye contact. But, of course, Cas just shrugged away Dean’s attempt. Dean sighed and walked away from him. The light feel of Cas’ trench coat brushing Dean’s arm still being felt, even moments after.

‘Want it? No. But I have been told you need it,’ Cas replied in a very monotonous tone. All Cas wanted to do was to fly Dean away from this building, back to the shitty motel he and Uriel found the boys in.

‘You ask me to open that door and through it, you will not like what comes back out,’ Dean said, his voice cracking as tears began to form in his eyes. 

‘For what it’s worth, I would give anything for you not to do this,’ Cas said, walking up to Dean’s back. He contemplated whether or not to put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, but Cas knew deep down that Dean knew of his close presence.

This comforted Dean very much. Cas was the one who raised Dean from Hell, he is the only one who has some inkling of understanding of Dean and what he went through for forty years in Hell. Even though Heaven questioned Cas’ sympathies, that fact that Cas told Dean this meant a lot to Dean, he knew that Cas would never let him get hurt.

As Dean turned around Cas brought his head up. The two were only inches apart, maybe six, Dean whispered under some sobs,

‘Cas. Please don’t let me do this.’

‘I wish I could,’ Cas replied quietly and softly. Cas hated to see Dean walk into that room with the cart full of knives and holy water and salt, but he had too and it broke him.

***

Cas had been hearing Alastair grunting and screaming for a few hours by now. He refused to let himself into Dean’s mind, Cas knew how much Dean hated himself because of what he did in Hell and Cas knew how much Dean loathed himself because of his newfound torturing abilities. Cas respected that and he could not bear himself to enter into Dean’s thoughts while he was torturing.

The brief silence coming from the room was odd and Cas decided to walk past the door. Alastair was still chained up and Dean was at the cart. But if he stayed for only a second longer he could have saved Dean from a violent fate. 

Just as he turned his back, Cas barely heard Dean choking and Alastair saying, ‘...bright and early, Monday morning.’

As Cas teleported into the room, Alastair threw Dean to the side all bloodied and bruised, his left eye beginning to swell up. Cas picked up the demon knife from the cart and stabbed Alastair in the heart, but much to his surprise it didn’t work. Alastair pushed Cas back to the door.

‘Well, almost. Guess God is on my side today,’ Alastair mocked, looking at the ceiling while raising his hands.

Cas turned the demon knife in Alastair from the other side of the room but was overpowered by Alastair as he pulled the knife out of his chest and dropped it on the floor. They both started to fight with their fists, but eventually, Alastair also won that fight when he mounted Cas on a piece of metal sticking out from a beam. Initially, Cas had the wind knocked out of him, but in the end, all he felt was an itch on his back that he couldn’t quite reach.

As blood poured down Cas’ forehead and out of his nose all he could do was look over at Dean. Cas felt this pang of guilt come over him, this was his fault, it was his fault that Dean was like this. All he wanted to do was to look at Dean and just heal him of his injuries, to make him all better. He knew that Dean would probably never forgive him for this or, if he was lucky, take a far while to forgive him but at least healing him would be a start.

‘Now I really wish I knew how to kill you. But all I can do is send you back to Heaven’ Alastair told Cas and began to chant a spell in Latin.

Cas felt his grace rising to the surface and in that moment all he could think about was Dean; what would happen to Dean after he was sent back to heaven? Would Alastair give up on him? Would Alastair kill Dean?

Alastair started to mumble over his words. Cas had no energy to turn his head to see what was happening, all that he knew what happened was that a force pulled Alastair off of him and pushed him into the brick wall near them.

Cas dropped to the ground immediately after he was let go, his ears ringing and his vision blurry. It was a natural instinct to Cas, he moved a little across the floor and laid a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He attempted to heal him but he was too weak to do anything, Cas just laid there with Dean, his hand on his left shoulder. He was useless.

***

Cas eagerly walked the halls of the hospital Dean was in, frantically finding his room. As he approached Dean’s room, Cas grabbed the door frame and was taken aback by Dean’s state. An oxygen tube was coming out of Dean’s mouth, he was attached to an IV drip and there were so many wires around him Cas couldn’t bear to count them all. 

Sam looked up at him but Cas couldn’t even face Sam. He walked past the door and leaned on the wall a few doors away. He wanted to put as much space between himself and Dean, he couldn’t believe that he let Dean get injured like that.

‘Sam-’ Cas started. He didn’t know what he was going to say but sorry didn’t seem like enough.

‘You get in there and heal him. Miracle. Now,’ Sam demanded aggressively. 

‘I can’t,’ Cas replied

‘You and Uriel put him in there-’ Sam began

‘No,’ Cas interrupted, but Sam kept talking

‘Because you can’t keep a simple devils trap,’ Sam finished. He was so angry at the angels that he almost threw a punch across Cas’ jaw. 

‘I don’t know what happened in there. That trap…’ Cas was furious. He did _want_ Dean to get hurt, in fact, he did not want Dean to even go into that room. How dare Sam accuse him of hurting Dean. _I would never hurt Dean, I would die before I have to hurt him,_ Cas thought. After taking a few breaths to calm down from Sam’s accusation.

‘...it should not have broken. I am sorry,’ Cas said, much calmer now.

The conversation between him and Sam continued in regards to what is killing the angels, but the only thing on Cas’ mind was Dean. It was killing Cas that he couldn’t heal Dean, but he was too low to do any sort of healing. 

***

Cas tore a piece off his shirt after his fight with Uriel. He could not believe that Uriel would betray him and his garrison like that. Cas could not even fathom why he would hurt Dean like that; yes Uriel did find him annoying and arrogant, but Uriel knew how important he was and still he betrayed them all. 

He was waiting outside Dean’s room for a couple of hours trying to clean himself up whilst also plucking up the courage to see him. Sam texted him a few hours ago that Dean was still asleep but he had to leave for something. Honestly, Cas didn’t question it even though he should have. Cas heard Dean wake up an hour ago but did nothing, he couldn't get his legs to move.

After seeing a nurse approach Dean’s room Cas finally knew that it was time to go in and confront Dean. Cas shook his head at the nurse and mouthed a simple ‘not yet,’ to her. She turned and walked away with a nod. 

‘Are you alright?’ Cas asked, walking through the door and sitting down in the chair next to Dean’s bed.

‘No thanks to you,’ Dean returned. Cas knew that Dean was not going to receive his presence nicely, but still, it hurt to see Dean angry at him.

‘Dean, you need to be more careful,’ Cas said, twisting in his chair to face Dean.

‘You need to learn how to draw a damn devil’s trap,’ Dean said coldly facing away from Cas.

‘That’s not what I mean,’ Cas sighed, observing the small cuts left on Dean. It physically pained Cas for him to see Dean in this state. 

‘Uriel is dead,’ Cas told Dean. Even though there was an injured rasp to it, Dean’s voice seemed to be the only thing that could calm Cas right now.

‘Was it the demons?’ Dean half asked.

‘No. It was disobedience. He was working against us,’ Cas replied.

At this, Dean turned to face Cas who had not turned away since he first laid eyes on Dean when he entered only minutes ago.

‘Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?’ Dean asked, his lips quivering. He hoped to god that it wasn’t true and that Alastair was just playing him.

‘Dean, that’s not important-’

‘God Damn it Cas, just answer me,’ Dean demanded, almost on the verge of tears.

‘Yes,’ Cas said softly.

‘When we discovered Lilith’s plan for you, we- I laid siege to Hell. We fought our way to get to you before you-’ Cas began but was interrupted. Cas could no longer face him, the guilt of not getting to Dean in time still haunted Cas.

‘Jump started the apocalypse,’ Dean finished. Cas left him in silence.

‘Why didn’t you just leave me there, then?’ Dean asked.

‘It is not blame that falls on you, Dean. It’s fate. And I couldn’t just leave you there,’ Cas answered.

‘I saw you in there. I saw the tremendous amount of self-hatred that filled your soul. I was the only one who saw your purity. Dean, no matter how much you think not, you did, truly, deserved to be saved,’ Cas continued. He couldn’t stop, it just kept coming out. 

Dean left them to sit in silence. There was nothing he could say to Cas. Dean just hoped that Cas would either leave or take the conversation somewhere else, _anywhere but here,_ Dean thought.

‘The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. _You_ have to stop it, Dean,’ Cas told Dean.

‘Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean?’ Dean asked Cas, but he just let his head drop in his hands

‘Hey! Don’t you go disappearing on me you son of a bitch, I need you. Sam’s acting weird with his new powers and you are the only one I can trust now,’ Dean said, almost whispering. Tears were beginning to break through, a few of them running down Dean’s cheek.

‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know,’ Cas responded.

‘Bull,’ Dean yelled.

‘Dean, I don’t know. They don’t tell me much anymore. Our fate rests with you’ Cas said.

Dean began to chuckle slightly, ‘Well, then you guys are screwed.’

Looking over at Cas in his blue eyes Dean told him what he had been thinking about for the past month,

‘I can’t do it, Cas. It’s too big,’ Dean said as his voice broke. ‘Alastair was right. I’m not all here, I’m n- I’m not strong enough.’ More than a few tears were streaming down Dean’s face. 

Cas couldn’t say anything to Dean, he was too scared that if he would say something then it might just break Dean, enough to make him do something stupid. All he could do was place a hand on Dean’s shoulder, the way he did in Hell. 

‘Well, I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be...Find someone else. It’s not me,’ Dean told Cas.

‘No,’ Cas told Dean sternly. He removed his hand from Dean’s shoulder and leaned back in the chair slouching. ‘I’m not going to abandon you.’


	7. Sensations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Anxiety and Panic Attacks

_ You’ve won without an enemy, _

_ You’re ill without a remedy. _

Dean had just gotten back to Bobby’s place when he was left alone by Sam and Bobby. They went to help another hunter close by when a vampire hunt went south. Fresh out of the hospital, the doctors warned Dean not to move too much at once, just to let his body get back into the groove of it slowly to make a proper recovery.

Dean sat himself at Bobby’s desk. There were old books spread around containing different types of lore on monsters such as rakshasa’s and crocotta’s. But there was one in particular that stuck out to Dean, the book was open but was covered by others, it was the gold trimming and some dusted pictures which gained his attention. 

Dean started to read and as he flipped the page there was a large picture covering an entire page of Michael and Lucifer fighting. As soon as he saw it he aggressively closed the book and shoved it aside; reminded of the moment he shared with Cas a few days ago.

He walked over to Bobby’s liquor cart and picked up the brand new whiskey bottle. Dean walked back over to the desk and collapsed in the seat, sighing. As Dean opened the bottle and took his first sip, everything that was shared between him and Cas at the hospital came flooding back. 

Dean winced as the first sip of whiskey went down his throat, but it was not the alcohol which caused this, instead, it was the very memory of the conversation which he tried so hard to forget. Soon enough, everything came flooding back to the forefront of his mind.

_ I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it.  _

_ You’re too weak. Useless. You can’t even handle a demon, how are you supposed to stop the apocalypse. WEAK. USELESS. Dad was right, I can’t do anything right. I can’t fight by myself. I let everything get in the way. I am WEAK, USELESS.  _

‘Stop it,’ Dean whispered to himself, slamming the bottle onto the table, spilling some from the top.

Dean took another sip and whispered to him again, ‘just stop it, alright?’

_ No. _

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, his heart rate sped up and his ears began to ring. The ringing wouldn’t stop, it kept going and for three minutes Dean was punching the side of his face attempting to get the ringing to stop. However, when the ringing did stop, the voices returned and so Dean took another long swig from the whiskey bottle. 

_ What makes you think you can save the world? You can’t even save yourself. Look at yourself, you’re pathetic. You couldn’t even last thirty years in Hell before you got off the rack. YOU’RE WEAK, USELESS, PATHETIC. You can’t stop it. No one can stop it. There is nothing special about you. _

Dean took another sip of whiskey, tears were forming in his eyes and it wasn’t long before they started to fall down his face, some finding his mouth. The salty taste made Dean open his eyes.

_ Look at what you become. You’re crying. Winchesters don’t cry. Hunter’s don’t cry. There’s no maybe about it, Alastair was right, you are too weak for this, for everything, for life. You couldn’t save Sam, you couldn't save yourself. You can't save anyone. USELESS, PATHETIC, SUM OF THE EARTH. You deserved everything you got, the beatings, those near-death experiences. You deserved to die when you had that heart attack. You should have died. _

‘NO. NO. NO,’ Dean screamed as he fell from the chair, taking the bottle of whiskey with him, spilling most of it on the floor. 

Dean lied on the floor, tears rapidly streaming down his face, his heart rate accelerated to nothing he had ever felt before as if his heart was going to beat straight out of his chest and land on the floor next to him. In all of this, Dean was struggling to find his breath, hitched in his throat, it felt like he was choking on nothing.

The desire to strip down to nothing was extremely appealing. Dean had never felt this hot in his life. Sure, he had a few high fevers, high enough to go to the hospital, but this was a different kind of hot. Dean was expelling heat from every pore of his body, cool sweat was forming on his hairline, in his eyebrows, flowing out of his nose and ears, mixing with the salty tears.

Dean started to take off his clothes. He couldn’t do it fast enough. The brown leather jacket was the first to go and before it could even touch the floor from when he threw it, Dean was struggling to take off the flannel under it.

_ WEAK. USELESS. PATHETIC. You don’t deserve to live. _

After taking off his flannel, Dean began to blink rapidly, his vision becoming dark and his head buzzing. His head felt like the physical embodiment of static T.V.

‘I can’t see. I can’t see,’ Dean whispered to himself.

‘I-I ca-’ Dean tried to say it again, but he soon lost the ability to speak.

_ This is what you deserve. _

Just like that. Dean was lying in the fetal position on the floor next to Bobby’s desk, rapidly breathing, sweaty, hot, with the ability to see and speak removed from him. 

Dean continued to strip, kicking his shoes off, quickly doing the same with his socks. Dean could barely take his belt and jeans off, but he just managed. Dean had more trouble with his shirt, it was drenched in sweat and attached to him. He mustered up all the remaining strength that he had and ripped the front of his just enough so that he could take his arms out of the sleeves and throw it across the room. 

Dean was a feverish, moaning mess on the floor with nothing but his underwear on. Dean did not have much energy left, but still, he tried to drag himself across the floor to under the little makeshift bed Bobby made. It was dark and so it would be cool there, but all Dean managed to do was to drag himself so that he was lying on the carpet where the whiskey split.

Just a small sniff by Dean made him feel sick, and so, the contents of Dean’s stomach (which was not a lot to begin with) came rising up. Dean threw up all over his extended arm and the floor.

Dean couldn’t even call for help, no one was home and he couldn’t even talk. Another wave of heat erupted from Dean’s beating heart and all that was left was for Dean to strip himself of his underwear, then he would be truly free from the heat, he thought, but, of course, his body betrayed his mind.

Nothing seemed to work. Dean was left shaking in the fetal position on the carpet covered in his vomit without the ability to see very much or talk. But Dean persisted,

‘C-C-C,’ Dean tried several times before he let out an extremely strained and hoarse, ‘Cas.’

‘CAS,’ he finally yelled. 

Dean heard the soft sound of feet hitting the carpet and a very shocked ‘Dean.’

Cas ran over to the naked Dean curled up on the floor. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, his hero, his-

_ ‘Dean.’ _

The very touch of Dean made Cas flinch, he was burning hot and Cas had no idea what to do. Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

Cas flew up to the bathroom and turned the water in the tub on to cold and put the plug in. He quickly grabbed a small towel and dunked it in the cool water in the tub and flew back down to Dean.

‘It’s okay, Dean. You’re going to be okay. You’re okay,’ was all that Cas could say as he cleaned Dean of the vomit that was on his arm and mouth. He cleaned Dean of the sweat and tears which covered his face and body. 

When Dean was clean enough and Cas thought the tub upstairs would be full enough, he grabbed Dean, bridal style, stood up and flew to the bathroom. Dean was still shivering in his arms, some rouge tears streaming across his face.

Cas placed Dean in the cool bathwater and turned the tap off. He found a stool and sat down, grabbing another towel and dabbing Dean’s forehead. Cas grabbed Dean’s face and turned it towards him, he looked him up and down and Dean seemed to stop shivering and began to blink open his eyes.

‘C-Cas. Cas,’ Dean muttered holding an arm out, leaning it on Cas’s led, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

‘Dean? Can you see me?’ Cas asked softly. He had an idea of what happened to Dean.

Dean couldn’t respond. All the energy had left his ability, he had once again lost the ability to talk. Instead, Dean just nodded.

‘Dean-’ Cas began to talk but was interrupted by the pull of his pant leg and Dean shook his head, moaning what sounded like a no. Cas left it at that, sitting there staring at Dean as he stared back.

Just as Dean’s eyes were dropping shut, Cas got a bigger towel and helped Dean out of the tub, placing him on the same stool he was sitting on.

‘It’s okay, Dean,’ Cas said over and over again, comforting him.

Cas dried Dean off, picked him up, and flew to a bedroom in the house. As carefully laid Dean down on top of the covers and found a light blanket to drape over Dean.

Just as Cas turned his back to go and fix the bathroom, Dean grabbed his arm and muttered out a tired, ‘cold.’

Cas undid the bed on the other side of Dean and moved him across, tucking him in, Dean fell asleep and Cas went to fix the mess in the bathroom and the study downstairs.

By the time Cas was done with the mess in the bathroom and in the study the best he could, he walked upstairs and leaned against the doorframe of Dean’s room and watched him sleep. 

‘I’m okay now Cas,’ Dean said as his eyes flicked open. 

Cas’ eyes softened and he walked over and sat down on the other side of the bed, staring at Dean with his comforting blue eyes. 

‘Dean, I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it-’

‘It’s okay, Cas, really. Shit happens,’ Dean shrugged his apology off.

‘No, Dean. Shit doesn’t happen. Dean, you had a-’ Cas said, but was quickly interrupted by Dean,

‘I don’t wanna know,’ Dean cut off, narrowing his eyes at Cas.

They both let the silence sit between them for a moment before Dean asked,

‘Cas, why am I naked?’

‘You did that yourself,’ Cas said in response, trying to lighten the mood.

‘Yeah...God, I’m hungry,’ Dean added as his stomach began to rumble.

‘Okay,’ Cas said as he disappeared briefly before coming back with a slice of apple pie for Dean.

‘Cas, you can’t just disappear like that. But...Thank you,’ Dean said as he took a bit of the pie, moaning over how mouth-watering it was.

As Dean moved his head to eat his pie, he groaned in pain and clutched the base of his neck.

‘You have a tension headache, Dean. Let me heal you,’ Cas said as he moved closer to Dean.

‘I thought your healing abilities didn’t work,’ Dean said.

‘I don’t care,’ Cas said in response as he placed two fingers on Dean's forehead, healing him of his headache.

‘Stay will you? I don’t think I should be alone right now,’ Dean asked.

‘Always, Dean,’ Cas replied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote above from 'If I Stay' - Mumford & Sons


	8. The Monster at the End of this Book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Internalised Homophobia (with Homophobia)

_Prayer is a sign of faith, Dean._

  
Dean was leaning lazily against the vending machine outside their hotel room and was running through all the possibilities in his head. _I could always knock Sam out, but he’s bigger than me and is consuming demon blood so, of course, that won’t work._ Everything seemed to circle back to one thing, ‘Cas,’ Dean whispered to himself.

Kicking the machine, Dean held out his hands and sighed, muttering ‘I feel stupid doing this.’

More clearly this time, Dean pleaded, ‘I am fresh outta options. So please, I need some help.’

 _C’mon Cas,_ he thought to himself. Dean stood in silence for just a moment, reluctant to continue.

‘I’m praying, okay?’ _I need you,_ Dean thought. He couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud because if he said it then it would all be real; Sam, Lilith, Chuck, Dean just could not take it.

‘Prayer is a sign of faith, Dean. This is a good thing,’ Cas said as he appeared a few feet behind Dean, a small smile beginning to form on his face. Everything was right now.

Cas had heard Dean’s initial plea, but he knew that a simple “Cas, I need help” was not enough to distract Heaven. Cas had been praying to God all day to let Dean pray to him. Cas had hardly been left alone since Uriel’s death, but he knew that if Dean prayed to him then the other angels would understand, Cas simply _had_ to return Dean’s prayer. This would be the only time that Cas could see Dean without Heaven being suspicious of another rebellious angel. Heaven saw this as Cas purely doing his job. 

Cas stepped down from the small step and moved closer to Dean, with every step Cas felt safer and more at peace. _I am doing the right thing,_ he thought to himself. 

Lately, Cas (and Heaven) has been questioning everything he has done since he raised Dean. A lot of the time he had been impulsive, Cas decided, always coming when Dean called. Even in simple conversation, Cas had acted on impulse, sharing with Dean details he never had to know, but when he and Dean were on the same page everything felt right in the world to Cas, he was at peace. 

‘So, you’ll help me?’ Dean asked, turning around to greet his friend.

‘I’m not sure what I can do,’ Cas responded.

Heaven, in particular, has been scolding Cas about his private conversations about Dean, believing that he has been telling Dean too much information for his own good. Cas’ only defence was that Dean deserves to know, because if he is to be Heaven’s weapon, then he needs to know what Heaven knows. But, of course, this did not agree well with Heaven and the other angels; they wanted to control Dean instead of making him an ally.

‘Drag Sam out of here now, before Lilith shows up,’ Dean begged. 

‘It’s a prophecy, Dean. I can’t interfere,’ Cas replied. 

Cas couldn't even look Dean in the eyes. He hated this prophecy, how much it had hurt Dean already, and how Sam battling Lilith would not make Dean feel any better, and thus, Cas.

‘Cas, please,’ Dean began, softly.

‘You have tested me and thrown me every which way, and I never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But know I’m asking, please Cas, I need your help,’ Dean finished, walking closer to Cas. 

Cas had been put in an impossible position. Many had viewed his relationship with Dean Winchester as something of a weakness while others, some of his more closer friends, believed that it to be a good idea that Heaven’s weapon to be a friend of Heaven.

‘What you’re asking is not within my power to do,’ Cas said, trying to convince Dean of his incapabilities, but failing terribly; Dean saw right through him.

‘Why? Because it’s a fricking divine prophecy?’ Dean asked, snarkily.

‘Yes!’ Cas exclaimed. The thick atmosphere devouring them cleared as they both took a step away, calming themselves down with a few breaths. Dean walked back over to the vending machine and turned his back on Cas.

‘I’m sorry,’ Cas said quickly.

Dean turned around slowly, meeting Cas’ gaze and lightly shook his head, ‘screw you,’ he whispered, pointing a finger straight at Cas.

‘If you don’t help me now, and the time comes and you need me don’t bother knocking,’ Dean said, his voice breaking and chin quivering. Dean walked away back to the motel room, to Sammy.

This broke Cas.

Cas was fighting two battles at the moment; one with himself and Dean, and the other with himself and Heaven. One thing he would do for Dean would offend Heaven, and another thing he would do for Heaven would offend Dean. 

Cas’ slightly parted lips indicated his sympathy for Dean. Was it sympathy? Cas questioned, or was it the shock from Dean’s threat? Cas did not know, and he didn’t want to because if he thought about it just a little longer then it would be safe to say that Cas would have left Dean alone in the motel car park and their relationship would be ruined. Cas would be a soldier of Heaven, no longer a friend of Dean Winchester.

‘Dean, wait,’ Cas said, appearing in front of Dean in a spot near where he first appeared several minutes ago, a hand resting on Dean’s left shoulder. 

‘You must understand why I can’t intercede,’ Cas began, his hand lingering on Dean’s shoulder, Dean relaxing just a little under his touch.

‘Prophets are special. They’re protected,’ Cas continued. 

‘I get that,’ Dean said, still a little angry, shrugging off Cas’ hand. 

‘If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will appear and destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce, they’re absolute. They are Heaven’s most terrifying weapon,’ Cas finished, making it crystal clear to Dean on how to handle the situation with Sam and Lilith. A mischievous look swimming around in Cas’ eyes.

Cas was simply just informing Dean on a bit of Prophet and Archangel lore, no harm in that considering that this had nothing to do with the bigger picture. An educational lesson could not harm Cas in Heaven, could it?

‘So, if a prophet was in the same room as a demon-’ Dean began. 

‘Then the most fearsome wrath of Heaven would rain down on that demon,’ Cas finished, smirking at Dean. It was something about hatching a very risky plan with Dean under the threat of Heaven which made Cas come alive. 

‘Just so you understand,’ Cas added, cheekily. Cas was enjoying his time with Dean tonight very much. Nothing could stop Heaven’s censorship on Cas. 

‘Thanks, Cas,’ Dean said, grabbing Cas’ shoulder with his hand and giving it a good squeeze as he walked past him back to Sam and the room, shivers running down Cas’ arm. 

‘Good luck,’ was the last thing said between them. Cas heard Heaven calling for him and he could not let them figure out anything said between him and Dean just then.

***

Later that night, Sam and Dean felt it best that they found a little clearing on the side of the road to park the car and sleep for the night. 

Neither could sleep well after Lilith and her deal, so they laid on the hood of the Impala with a few beers and looked up at the stars, gazing at and attempting (and failing) to find constellations. Dean didn’t know much about star constellations, but over the years Sam taught him some and so now Dean turns it into a race to see who can find them first. 

Around four rounds in, Sam felt his heavy eyelids droop several times and decided it was time to sleep. Dean decided to stay out a little later. Drinking a few more beers and looking up at the sky and the trees around them. 

The tranquillity and solitude of the night amongst nature was the only time when Dean felt truly at peace with himself. No monsters, no Sam consuming demon blood, no Seals. It was just him and Sam, plain and simple as if they were normal brothers on a real road trip around the U.S. 

‘Hello Dean,’ he heard. Dean knew it was Cas as he had never met anyone with a distinctly deep, raspy voice. 

‘Hey Cas,’ Dean replied. He knew exactly where Cas was, standing over near the closest tree to his left, he lifted his eyes only once to look at him, but soon returned to the night sky and the stars.

‘I know you don’t have much time so spit it out,’ Dean said. Finishing his seventh bottle of beer, Dean hopped off the hood and walked over to Cas, this time leaning on the tree next to him. 

‘So, uh, tonight went well,’ Cas stumbled. 

‘C’mon Cas, that’s not really why you’re here,’ Dean said, turning to look at Cas, side-on. 

‘I-I wanted to check in on you. The last time I left you...I was worried that you were going to do something you might regret,’ Cas eventually said, taking some time to carefully construct his sentences so as to not trigger Dean. 

‘You practically gave me the idea to use Chuck-’ Dean said in a very manner-of-fact tone but was cut off by Cas.

‘No, Dean. I mean before that. When you...When you were-’ Cas started but struggled to find the words. 

He hated that memory, seeing Dean like that, hopeless and alone. He would never tell Dean but he did, in fact, briefly read Dean’s mind and what he heard was something only akin to what he felt just before he saved Dean from Hell. It was something he would never wish upon his worst enemy. 

‘I’m fine Cas, honestly. I’m the picture of health, just look at me,’ Dean said, bowing to show Cas how put-together he seemed. 

‘Dean, please. I need to know, are you okay?’ Cas asked sincerely. This made Dean straighten himself up. 

‘I’m fine, Cas.’

‘No, Dean. I know you’re lying. Don’t make me read your mind,’ Cas threatened, moving closer to Dean 

Dean was taken aback by Cas’ attitude. Cas’ fingers were only inches away from his forehead. Dean sighed as he moved. as fingers away. 

‘No one is ever fine, Cas, not really,’ Dean started as he walked over to the Impala, grabbing his eighth beer of the night from the driver’s seat. Cas following him. 

‘But at this point, talking to you, Sammy safe in the back seat of the car _alive,_ Lilith temporarily gone and scared, yes Cas, I’m okay,’ Dean responded, leaning against the Impala’s hood, his shoulder gently brushing Cas’.

‘I think it best we just forget about it, okay?’ Dean said. Although it sounded like a question, Cas did not push any further. 

Cas narrowed his eyes and tilted his head slightly to the right, ‘all I ever want is your safety, Dean. You mean too much to me - to Heaven - we need you at your best,’ Cas said. 

Dean just looked at Cas and shamefully smiled. He had no idea why he meant so much to Cas. Sure, Cas was the one who raised him from “perdition” but that was just an order from Heaven, and as far as he was concerned, Cas just seemed to get to him first. 

Ever since that moment of weakness he shared with Cas, Dean, he guessed, felt that same wave of importance for him. Whether Dean liked it or not, Cas was now an important part of his life. 

_Unnatural. Disgusting._ Dean heard his father muttering as Dean left for his first solo hunt at seventeen. Dean was tasked with a simple salt and burn of two nuns who had fallen in love and haunted their nunnery. 

This is why Dean felt so shameful. In this night sky, Sam sleeping in the back of the Impala and Cas; _oh, Cas._ Dean now understood how the two nuns could fall in love. Nothing mattered to them except for each other, despite who they were. 

Being needed by someone other than Sam was new to Dean and he had no idea how to manage it. All Dean knew is that if his father were alive, without a doubt, Dean would have been scolded many times by now for his relationship with an angel in a male vessel, probably beaten.

‘Don’t you need to be getting back soon?’ Dean questioned Cas, attempting to divert the conversation to something else, anything else. 

‘Yes. But, I enjoy our time better, Dean,’ Cas replied. 

‘Right well your funeral,’ Dean said in response, grabbing another two beers from the driver's seat. 

Dean unscrewed both the lids using the bottom of his shirt and took a sip of his own, passing one to Cas. 

‘And you want me to drink this? You do know that I don’t need to eat or drink, right?’ Cas questioned Dean. 

‘Don’t ruin the moment, Cas. Just drink it,’ Dean waved him off. 

As Dean looked back up to the starry night, Cas brought the bottle to his mouth and started drinking. It did not taste like much to him, _very bland._ But Dean liked it and so, Cas finished it. 

Just as Dean looked over to Cas he had just finished the beer with one final gulp and looked over to Dean with a clueless look.

‘Woah, Cas. That’s not how you drink it. Here,’ Dean said, taking the bottle from his hands and throwing it away from them. 

‘You talk one sip-’ Dean said as he mimicked how to drink beer to Cas, then passing his bottle to Cas.

‘-Just a quick up and down like that every few minutes, okay,’ Dean laughed it off.

‘Like this?’ Cas asked seriously. He then proceeded to do a very quick motion, far too fast to get any real taste of the beer.

‘No, here-’ Dean started, taking Cas’ hand in his and moving it up and down like how Dean showed him in the first place.

The touch of Cas’ hand against Dean’s was warm, smooth. Time seemed to slow down at the meeting of hands, from Dean’s hand Cas’ warmth spread throughout his entire body sending a shiver down his spine. Dean moved a finger to brush against Cas’. It felt as if Dean was in Italy and he was dragging a hand against the famous David of Michelangelo.

Realising what he had just done, Dean quickly took his hands away from Cas and walked away back to the Impala, opening the front door. 

‘You should go now Cas, Heaven’s waiting,’ Dean said, pointing towards the sky. 

Dean got into the front of the car, moved the beer cooler to the floor and took off his long brown leather jacket and laid it on top of him as he got comfortable, ready for a quick sleep before the sun rose in a few hours. His eyes shut.

Cas just stared at him through the front window, nothing to say except for his regular eyebrow crease and tilted head. He left the half-filled beer bottle at the base of the tree and left and left for Heaven. 

Dean opened his eyes and stared up at the car roof. He knew that he was not going to get enough sleep tonight and decided that maybe Sam could drive tomorrow. 

Dean could not stop thinking about Cas about what he did. _Wrong is what it was._ How could he let himself get so close and alone with Cas? _His hands,_ Dean lingered on the thought of his hands and how they felt, _like freshly cut marble._

‘No,’ Dean whispered to himself. All the memories of his father’s abuse came flooding back to him and he could not stop it, not even the tears that were welling in his eyes.

Dean knew what his father’s worldview was, it was forced onto Dean and was practically indoctrinated into it on his seventeenth birthday. Dean would watch as his father would beat other monsters extra hard if he found out about what they did behind the bedroom door. He had no reason to but still. Dean still never fingered out how John would know.

When the force of Dean’s punches were not what his father wanted, John would demonstrate on Dean. _This is what I want._ John theorised that this was on purpose, that his son was one of these fairies or at least sympathies with them. Dean, even now, could feel the force of his father all over his abdomen. 

This is exactly how the two nuns started out; the best of friends turned lovers. Everything his father hated. 

After some more thinking (and more silent tears) Dean decided that he is, in fact, not like the nuns and will never be like the nuns because his best friend in the entire world was Sammy, his brother, not Cas, and Dean was absolutely sure that nothing would happen between them. _Now that is wrong, disgusting, shameful._

Dean fell asleep convincing himself that his father was right. He was too lenient with the monsters that needed an extra punch or two. John Winchester knew what was best for his son and Dean decided that he had nothing to do with the nuns; it was just a job. 

Sam was his best friend in the entire world, and if he had to name a second, Castiel would suffice. But, of course, to whoever asked, Dean would explain that Castiel is only his friend for the help he gives to him, after all, that is what friends do. 

Just as Dean began to drift off into a comfortable sleep, he could feel some warmth on his face, the sun replacing the black of his vision with a grey blur, not completely white yet. As Dean sat upright, the jacket fell off his upper body and Sam woke.

‘How was Cas?’ Sam asked.

The initial shock of Sam’s question only lasted a few seconds on Dean’s face, playing it off as just morning confusion. Dean wiped over his face with his hand and yawned. 

‘What?’ Dean answered with a question very aggressively as to not let Sam’s mind wander to think of what the two did last night.

Sam gave Dean an awkward smile and got out of the car, wandering over to the tree where Cas and Dean shared a conversation and an intimate moment with a beer bottle.

Dean just sighed and laid back down. 

_I fucking hate you Cas!_


	9. The Rupture

_I serve Heaven, I don't serve Man._

_And I certainly don't serve you_.

It was the first time in months that Dean had fallen into a comfortable sleep, although it was still a challenge to fall asleep in the first place. It was also a night where Dean had a normal dream. Recently, Dean hadn’t slept enough to even remember a dream and when he did, get enough sleep. All he could remember was Hell; what was done to him and what he did to others. 

Dean was sitting very comfortably in a fold-out chair on the edge of a pier, line in hand with a swift breeze blowing across his face. The smell of freshwater engulfed Dean’s senses. A beer in the little holder in the chair, Dean sighed and thought that life could not get better than this. 

Meanwhile, across state borders, Castiel is lying half-dead amongst rubble in an old factory. With every ounce of strength that Cas had left he contacts Dean in his dream-state, appearing a few paces behind where Dean is sitting. 

Cas takes only a second to appreciate Dean’s peaceful nature, admiring how calm he looks. Cas quietly walks over to Dean as to not startle him, but fails when he lays a hand on Dean’s left shoulder. Dean jumped a little, spilling his beer, turning his head slightly towards Cas. 

‘We need to talk,’ Cas said. 

‘I’m dreaming, aren’t I?’ Dean rhetorically asked. He knew that this was too good to be true, peace like this never followed Dean around. 

‘It’s not safe here. We need to go somewhere more quiet,’ Cas replied. 

‘More private? We’re inside my head.’

Cas rolled his eyes at Dean’s ignorance. ‘Exactly. Someone could be listening.’

Dean just scoffed in return. He was still trying to put some distance in between him and Castiel. 

‘Meet me here,’ Cas said, taking out a piece of power with an address on it from his trench coat and sliding it into Dean’s front pocket on his jacket. 

‘Go now,’ Cas ordered. 

Dean looked down to where Cas had placed the note and looked up in shock, ready to lecture Cas about personal space. Instead, Dean was alone again on the pier, but only for a few seconds before he woke suddenly in his rundown motel room. 

Dean rolled out of bed and stood up, yawning. Putting his shoes on, Dean one-handedly shook Sam awake; a few “get the hell up” by Dean were thrown around before Sam complied. 

It took only 10 minutes for the brothers to properly wake up and stop rubbing their eyes. 

‘What was this about again?’ Sam asked for the second time. The first time he was not fully awake and had not heard Dean properly. 

‘I don’t know. Cas just came to me in my dream, said he wanted to tell me something and gave me this address,’ Dean replied, keeping his eyes on the road while simultaneously giving Sam the note that Cas gave him.

Both Sam and Dean remained silent the rest of the trip to wherever Cas wanted them to go. The address turned out to be an old factory in the middle of nowhere. As soon as Dean pulled up he only needed to take one look at the rusted building for a hole in his gut to form. Dean knew instantly that he was not going to like what he found inside. 

Sam walked into the building very cautiously, minding every step he took, but Dean, he was almost running his feet were moving so fast. Dean soon took notice of the feeling in his chest which became amplified, anxious about Cas. 

Sam noticed almost immediately, he had only ever seen Dean liked this whenever they were on a rather dangerous hunt with their father. Trying to divert Dean’s thoughts, Sam asked,

‘Well, what did he say Dean? What was so important?’

‘If I knew, would I be here?’

Sam just huffed. 

Sam and Dean had skimmed over the ground floor of the old factory and came up with nothing, all that was left was a rusted staircase leading up to the next level. Dean felt the hole in his stomach grow. Dean took in a few deep breaths as he climbed the stairs.

It had looked like a battlefield, like another a-bomb exploded in the upper part of the factory. The beams which were holding up the roof were barely stable, metal shelving and other equipment were torn to shreds and formed piles, electrical wires were accompanied by little puddles of water from broken pipes.

‘What the hell,’ Sam exclaimed.

After some wandering around the floor, weary of the puddles and scattered metal, Dean pointed out,

‘There was a fight here.’

‘Between who?’ Sam questioned.

As Dean turned around to face his brother, he almost dropped his flashlight, his whole body almost went weak. 

‘Cas!’ Dean’s voice broke, to quiet for Sam to hear.

Sam wasn’t paying much attention to Dean. He had found some large symbols painted on the walls, similar to the ones Anna drew when at the cabin.

‘Cas was fighting angels?’ Sam muttered.

Dean had stumbled and almost fallen over multiple scraps of metal before he reached Cas, altering Sam with his loud “Cas,’” and Dean dropping his flashlight. Dean could not seem to get to him fast enough, Cas was always just a puddle away, but this distance seemed to grow with each step Dean took. 

But finally, Dean got to Cas.

‘Hey, Cas. Cas?’ Dean grabbed Cas’ tie and undid it slightly, resting a hand on Cas’ shoulder. 

Cas woke with a startle. ‘What-What’s going on?’

Dean noticed Cas’ voice, it wasn’t the same deep, raspy tone that it usually was. Instead, it was light and _happy?_ Dean thought. 

Sam put an arm underneath Cas and helped him up, repeating, ‘take it easy.’

As soon as Cas stood up and gained his balance, he felt all around himself. ‘Oh no, Castiel’

‘I’m not Castiel, it’s me.’

Both Sam and Dean shook their heads, clueless. ‘Who’s “me?”’ Sam asked.

‘Jimmy. My name’s Jimmy.’

‘Where the hell is Cas?’ Dean asked, the anxiety from when he first arrived returned. 

‘He’s gone,’ Jimmy replied.

Dean just turned to look and Sam and shook his head. Cas was gone and he had no idea what happened to him, did he die? Did he go back to Heaven? Was he forced? Voluntarily? Dean had no idea. He dropped his head and kicked an old metal shelf, walked over to where he dropped his flashlight and walked out of the factory alone. 

When Dean got to the Impala, he rested his hands on the roof of the car. Dean was angry, he felt his pulse begin to pick up and just as Sam and Jimmy exited the factory, Dean took his gun and shot a single bullet at the sky. 

‘Thanks Cas, you fucking dick.’

Dean silently got into the driver’s seat and slammed the steering wheel. Sam and Jimmy just watched in shock, not moving from where they stopped when Dean shot his gun. 

‘Come on. We don’t have all night,’ Dean said, annoyed at the situation he was out in. 

***

Sam and Dean found a motel near some fast-food joint. Jimmy found the hotel rather disgusting with paint flaking from the ceiling and stains everywhere on the floor, Jimmy minded his step. Dean went out to get Jimmy some food, but ever since the factory he hadn’t been thinking straight, not paying much attention to Jimmy.

There were too many thoughts running through Dean’s head, some were about Cas, others about what to do, what they used to do. _I never signed up for angel duty._ Dean must have apologised to the car at least 10 times by now since he initially hit the steering wheel earlier that night. Dean suggested, in order to combat the headache forming, he would play his Led Zeppelin cassette turning up the volume extra loud.

Dean mindlessly drove to and from the fast-food joint. He gave Jimmy his food, tossing it on the small table and walked back outside, leaving a confused Sam and Jimmy. Slamming the door on his way out, Sam and Jimmy took a seat at the table. 

‘When was the last time you ate?’ Sam questioned, not really knowing what to say.

‘I don’t know. Months,’ Jimmy replied, shoving a burger down his throat and slurping up the milkshake Dean brought. 

‘So what happened back there? It looked like an angel battle royal,’ Sam questioned further.

Food still in his mouth, Jimmy responded. ‘All I remember is a flash of light and I, uh...woke up and I was me again.’ 

‘Do you remember anything about being possessed? Anything at all?’ Sam asked, getting impatient. He had no idea what happened to Dean or where he went. 

‘Yeah, bits and pieces. I mean like an angel inside of you is like being chained to a comet.’

‘Cas said he wanted to tell us something. Please tell me you remember that’ Sam pleaded. 

‘Sorry,’ Jimmy shook his head.

‘Anything else you know?’ Sam pried 

‘My name is Jimmy Novak.’ Jimmy then proceeded to tell Sam all about his life, his family, who he was before Castiel. 

Sam just nodded his head and stood up, ‘you stay here. I’m gonna go find Dean.’

‘Wait, Sam. Why is Dean ignoring me?’ Jimmy asked.

‘Well honestly, I don’t know. But, if you were conscious at all while Cas was in there, then you know why,’ Sam replied.

As soon as Sam opened the door he saw Dean just across the lot, leaning against the car, downing a beer. Chucking it inside the passenger seat, as Sam approached, Dean took out his flask and drank whatever was left in it. 

Dean took in a very deep breath as Sam recounted to Dean who Jimmy was. 

‘He’s got a family in Pontiac, Illinois. He wants to go home.’

Dean just nodded, turning his back on Sam. _This is just great, a family man._ Dean chuckled to himself. Sam grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around.

‘So, what do we do?’ Sam asked.

‘What do you mean? He's got a family, we buy him a bus ticket back home,’ Dean said as if he were stating the obvious. 

Honestly, Dean had no idea what he was doing. He never wanted to be involved with angels, he never even believed in them until Cas pulled him from Hell. What was he supposed to do with Cas’ vessel? _It’s not like it’s just any angle’s vessel, it was Cas’._ Dean decided that he was in way over his head.

‘Dean, he’s the only lead we got,’ Sam said

‘He doesn’t know anything.’

‘Are you sure about that?’ 

‘You think he’s lying? What, you wanna got Guantanamo on the guy?’

‘All I’m saying is that we get him back to Bobby’s. Maybe Cas will drop back into him.’

Somehow Dean knew that this wasn’t going to happen. Back at the factory, that was some serious angel-on-angel violence. No one could come back from that either alive or quickly. Even Dean knew that, that type of violence was not going to go unpunished. Dean knew he wasn’t going to see Cas for a while.

‘Remember when our job was helping people? Getting them to their families?’ Dean reminisced. At least then Dean knew what to do, now? Dean didn’t know how he’d survived this far. All he knew was that he should have been dead, rotting in Hell being one of Alastair’s torturers. 

‘Dean, trust me, I wanna help. I’m just being realistic, we’re doing him a favour,’ Sam replied.

‘How?’

‘Dean, if we wanted to question him, you can damn well bet the demons do too,’ Sam explained.

_As if this situation couldn’t get any better._

‘Fine, but you tell him,’ Dean said, aggressively pointing a finger at Sam.

‘No. You tell him, it's your turn to take care of him,’ Sam resisted. 

Dean just held up his hands, one in a fist sitting on his other hands flat open. Sam just sighed and began to play rock paper scissors. After three goes, Sam won three-nil. 

‘Thanks Dean, always with the scissors,’ Sam said, mocking Dean. 

Dean just mumbled a ‘whatever’ to himself. 

***

‘Hey, Sam. It looks like they’re having a refreshing coke too,’ Dean teased, pointing to a promotional billboard for Coke. 

‘Dean, it’s not funny,’ Sam muttered. Dean just laughed at him. 

After some hours of driving, Sam and Dean watched the sunrise and as the clock in the Impala ticked over to 9 am, Anna appeared in the back seat.

‘Hey, guys.’

Dean swerved the car out of fright, ‘Jeez! Jesus.’

Dean just wanted to have a few days free of angels and vessels and everything related to Heaven. Dean just wanted a few days chasing a regular demon who didn’t even know who he was. _Is that so hard to ask?_ Dean thought, throwing his head back. 

‘Smooth. Every try calling ahead?’ Dean asked rhetorically. 

‘I like the element of surprise,’ Anna replied. 

Dean just nodded and tried to ignore her the best he could. 

‘You let Jimmy get away?’

‘Talk to ginormo here,’ Dean replied, mentally playing his Led Zeppelin tape in his head, currently, he was listening to “Immigrant Song.”

Sam and Anna continued in conversation about Jimmy, asking the same questions they asked Jimmy. Sam replied to Anna’s multiple questions with multiple “no’s.” 

Anna then turned her attention to Dean. ‘It’s Cas. He got sent back home. Well, more like dragged back.’

‘To Heaven? That’s not a good thing?’ Dean asked 

‘No. That’s a very bad thing. Painfully, awfully bad.’ Anna told Dean. 

Dean gripped the steering wheel tight, his knuckles going white, speeding a little, wanting to get to Jimmy faster. _Maybe Jimmy could get Cas back for us._

Sam and Anna finished off the conversation. Sam informed her that Cas wanted to tell them something, but Dean had to zone out, all he could focus on was Cas and if he was safe or not, after all, Cas was still Dean’s friend. 

***

_Cas, if you can still hear me or whatever, I just wanted to let you know that I know you got dragged off to Heaven, and I’m sorry that we lost your vessel._

_I’m still your friend and Sam and I are going to do everything to bring you back._

_Anna told us how Heaven can be. I’m sorry that you had to get dragged off, it’s probably my fault. I don’t know why you continue to help us when you knew this could have happened._

_I promise that we’re gonna keep Jimmy nice and safe for you. Brand new like the day you first jumped into him. He’ll even smell like those things you hang in your car to keep it nice and fresh_

_Anyway, we’re coming to get you Cas._

***

Dean took a look in the backseat and saw Jimmy sleeping against the window.

‘So, what the hell happened back there?’ Dean asked Sam.

‘What?’ Sam was sure that Dean didn’t notice his failed attempt to gank the demon back at Jimmy’s house, he hadn’t brought it up for some time. But, of course, Sam was wrong

‘You practically fainted trying to gank a demon,’ Dean replied, aiding Sam’s memory.

‘Okay, I didn’t faint. I got a little dizzy,’ Sam cleared up.

‘Look, you can call it whatever you want. You used to be strong enough to kill Alastair. Now you can’t even kill a common demon?’ Dean questioned. 

Dean had only started to trust Sam again. Watching all the good that Sam was doing with his demon mojo really seemed to calm Dean a little. But now, the fluctuation in his powers set Dean on edge a little. He didn’t have Cas around, he instead had Jimmy in the backseat of the Impala and now Sam’s powers are going berserk. Dean, simply, just had no idea. This “idea” was nothing in particular, that’s who confused and lost Dean was, his head was just constantly throbbing about nothing in particular. 

‘What do you want me to say?’ Sam asked.

‘Well for starters, what’s going on with your mojo? It’s yo-yoying all over the place,’ Dean suggested.

‘I’m not trying to pick a fight here. You’re scaring me, man,’ Dean said, reducing his voice to just a whisper.

It was true. Dean was scared. Too much was happening in his life right now, he was alone, at least he thought he was. 

Just as Sam was going to respond his phone began to ring. ‘Hello?’ Sam answered, cautiously. ‘Who is this?’ 

Sam took another look at his phone, sighed and woke Jimmy up in the back seat. ‘Hey. It’s your wife.’ Jimmy just groaned in response.

‘Amelia?’ Jimmy spoke in a very tired, raspy voice.

Dean turned his head slightly towards Jimmy’s voice. Dean could immediately tell the difference between Cas and Jimmy, there was no doubt about it, there was no connection he felt with Jimmy. To Dean, Jimmy was just another job. However, in that moment, Dean could have sworn that he heard Cas a little. Jimmy spoke just like Cas, that same Castiel rasp that sent an unnoticed shiver down Dean’s spine every time it went that deep. 

_Cas._

‘Oh, my God,’ Jimmy said in his regular light voice. 

And just like that, Dean was brought back into reality.

‘Turn around, Dean. NOW!’ Jimmy exclaimed, the urge to take the drivers wheel himself was overwhelming.

‘Wh-What?’ Dean said, trying to control the car from the sudden fright Jimmy had caused from yelling.

‘A-a demon’s got Amelia and-and Claire. We need to go now,’ Jimmy stammered.

‘It’s gonna be alright. Okay? We're gonna get to them, just take a seat and relax a little,’ Dean reassured, swinging the car around going to the address which Jimmy provided from him in between deep breaths. 

The three of them were already a few hours out of town and so it took just as long to get to the old building.

‘Seriously. What’s with supernatural creatures and old, abandoned factories?’ Dean rhetorically asked as he got out of the car.

Sam just looked at him and rolled his eyes. ‘Alright. They’re expecting you to go in alone, so that’s what you’re gonna do. We’ll make our way through the catwalks. We’ll be right behind you.’

‘All you gotta do is stay calm, stall, and let us do our jobs,’ Dean added. 

‘Stay calm? This is my family we’re talking about,’ Jimmy said, the nerves getting the better of him.

‘This will work, you understand. Nobody’s gonna get hurt,’ Dean reassured Jimmy, once again. 

‘Give me a minute okay?’ Jimmy asked, well, more like demanded of the boys. Jimmy just walked off.

‘You know they’re expecting us to come with him. This is probably a trap, Dean,’ Sam notified Dean.

‘Yeah, I know. That’s why I have a plan,’ Dean responded.

Sam and Dean checked their guns and Dean made sure he had the demon knife on him and they walked into the building. Scanning the perimeter, Dean was just able to hear Jimmy scream, ‘ YOU PROMISED, CAS.’

Just as Sam and Dean turned a corner, they were both met with a pair of fists. Knock out cold for just a short time while they were being dragged to the main arena where Jimmy was.

Just as Sam and Dean woke, they heard the demon in Jimmy’s wife speak, ‘ Like I didn’t think you would bring Heckle and Jeckle, hmm?’

‘Nice plan, Dean,’ Sam snarkily commented.

‘Well, no one bats 1.000,’ Dean said.

‘Got the knife?’ Jimmy’s possessed wife asked. Another demon holding Sam held it up.

‘And you know what’s funny?’ The demon asked.

‘You wearing a soccer mum?’ Dean chuckled. 

‘I was actually bummed to get this detail, picking up an empty vessel. Sort of like a milk run. Now look who landed in my lap.’ The demon was excited. 

Dean noticed almost immediately that, although this was your regular, dime a dozen demon, it sure knew what it was doing and it certainly had some skill with a knife.

‘Well, you got us, okay? Just let these people go,’ Sam was attempting to bargain. _When did this ever work though,_ he thought.

‘Oh, Sam. It’s easy to act chivalrous when your Wonder Girls powers aren’t working, huh?’ Said the demon. No one answered.

‘Now for the punchline-’ the demon said, cocking a gun.

‘-everyone dies,’ the demons pointed the gun at Sam and Dean felt the whole world slow down. This couldn’t be the moment that they died, not to some common demon scum trying to save Cas’ vessel. 

Dean knew that he was going to go out swinging, he couldn't think of anything else. Old age was never an option. But this, now? They still had to stop the Apocalypse, even Cas in Heaven had to do something.

Amelia’s demon then turned to a shocked Jimmy and shot him in the abdomen. All the oxygen and energy in Dean’s body left him, he was choking on nothing. 

‘No. Cas,’ Dean eventually whispered to himself, attempting to shake the demon’s hold off of him.

This couldn't be happening. He promised Cas that he would have his vessel nice and safe for him to come back into, and now, he’s dying on the floor of some old factory. 

‘Waste Little Orphan Annie,’ Amelia’s demon instructed one of the others holding Sam. 

Dean was lost in his own mind to notice anything happening. He had failed Cas. Cas was trapped in Heaven with god knows what was happening to him. _Couldn't even keep his vessel safe._

_FAILURE._ Dean heard his father yelling into his skull.

Then, out of nowhere, after all his hope was drained, Dean saw a bright light coming from the other end of the room where Claire was, lighting the entire room. As the demons were distracted, Sam and Dean punched their way through their keepers, fighting them, getting thrown around the room.

‘Castiel,’ Jimmy said.

Sam wrestled with the demon who had the knife in her hand, cut her on the neck and started to drink her blood. Every demon tasted different to Sam, but all the blood he had drank so far gave him this euphoric feeling like he was taking ecstasy. Sam drank the demon dry. This one tasted liked like oak, a dry oak, something that belongs in whiskey. _They must have worked at a brewery in their past life._

Meanwhile, Castiel in Claire’s body approached Dean and smited the demon on Dean. ‘Cas,’ Dean said.

Turning to face Dean and Cas, Sam saw Amelia’s demon coming at Dean. Just in time, Sam used his new found strength and his demon powers to expel the demon from Amelia, sending it back to hell before it could hurt either Dean or Cas. Sam didn’t struggle this time as he did last.

With all demons dead, Sam, Dean and Castiel made their way over to a bleeding Jimmy, Dean helping Amelia to her feet on the way.

‘Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well, your work is done. It’s time to go home now, your real home. You’ll rest forever in the fields of the Lord. rest now, Jimmy,’ Castiel told Jimmy. 

Even though Castiel was in a different body, Dean knew that Castiel seemed off. Sure, Dean was glad that Cas was back and out of Heaven, but still, something severe must have happened to Cas in Heaven for Cas to sound like “Castiel, Angel of the Lord” like he did when Dean and he first met all those months ago in a barn.

‘No. Claire?’ Jimmy said, groaning in grave pain. Jimmy felt like he should have been dead by now, if not from the bullet wound, then from dehydration due to the amount of liquid his body had expelled since being shot.

‘She’s with me now. She’s chosen, it’s in her blood as it was in yours.’ Castiel responded.

‘Please, Castiel. Just take me. Take me, please,’ Jimmy was dying and he wanted his daughter to grow up with a normal life, or as close to normal as it could be. But most of all, Jimmy was dying and he didn’t want to die and leave his wife and daughter. Being Castiel, at least, meant that he was still here and he could always get Castiel to protect Amelia and Claire.

‘I want to make sure you understand. You won’t die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture hundreds, thousands more like it,’ Castiel told Jimmy, now hyperventilating. 

‘It doesn’t matter. You take me,’ Jimmy was now spitting blood, he could feel his final breath creeping ever so closer.

Castiel placed a cold hand on Jimmy’s sweaty cheek, letting himself move from Claire’s body to Jimmy’s; a bright light filled the entire room. After Heaven, this was the closest Castiel had ever felt at being home, being in Jimmy’s body felt like the world was at peace again. 

Castiel, now in Jimmy’s body, stood up and let Claire fall over onto the floor. Castiel walked out of the building, walking straight past Dean as if he was just a regular human as if they had never met in their entire lives as if Castiel never raised him from Hell; nothing to do with the Apocalypse.

‘Hey,’ Dean said, grabbing Castiel’s shoulder. Dean attempted to turn him around to face him as he had always done, but Castiel just kept on walking. 

Dean looked at Sam and told him to go to Amelia and Claire. Dean followed Cas out of the building, calling at him to stop over and over again. ‘Cas. Stop. Hey, man. Stop.’

‘Hey, jackass. What were you going to tell me?’ Dean asked Castiel. This seemed to get Castiel’s attention.

‘I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven. I don’t serve man. And I certainly do not serve you.’ Cas said. He kept walking off into the trees and as Dean blinked out of shock, Castiel disappeared. Dean didn’t know where and he didn’t want to find out. 

Sam called 911 for Amelia and Claire and left them in the building. ‘Hey, Dean. We need to get outta here, the cops are coming.’

Sam and Dean got into the Impala and drove off in silence, but after a couple of hours of silence between them; music, of course, was playing in the background, this time one of Dean’s Midnight Oil cassette tapes, Sam snapped.

‘Alright. Let’s hear it,’ Sam asked.

‘What?’ 

‘Drop the bomb, man. You saw what I did. Come on, stop the car, take a swing,’ Sam insisted.

‘I’m not going to take a swing,’ Dean replied.

‘Then scream, chew me out,’

‘I’m not mad, Sam,’

‘You’re not mad? I don’t buy it,’

‘No,’

‘Well, at least let me explain myself,’ Sam tried but was shot down by Dean.

‘Don’t. I don’t care. What do you want me to say? I’m disappointed? Yeah, I am. But I’m mostly tired. I’m done,’ Dean ended the conversation there.

He didn’t want to talk anymore. If he could, he would have a beer in hand right now, maybe even some whiskey from Bobby’s. 

Dean heard the high-pitched ring of Sam’s phone but decided to ignore everything else. For the rest of the way back to Bobby’s, it was just himself, the rain and whatever cassette was playing. 

***

Dean didn’t want to think anymore. 

Just like he wanted to do while driving back to Bobby’s Dean had several beers and then a few glasses of whiskey. Too much was happening for Dean’s own good. He was stressed out of his mind and Jimmy and Castiel, what happened these past few days, was not helping. 

It was after midnight by the time Sam and Dean got to Bobby’s, and it was around 4 am when Dean took the baseball bat by the back door out to the car yard. 

Dean went to a car out back near the fence, one of the older ones that he didn’t think Bobby could fix. It was all rusted and nothing much, a white Pontiac Fiero form somewhere in the mid-80s. 

Dean started on the windows and just kept smashing, and smashing, and smashing. By the time he was finished not a soul could identify what the car once was, no one could fix that, not even Bobby or Dean.

‘THIS IS WHAT YOU DO, YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH,’ Dean yelled up at the sky. It wasn't necessarily directed at anyone, maybe Castiel, maybe God, or even the angels who dragged him back to Heaven.

‘I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME,’ Dean said. He started off yelling but soon crashed onto his knees and whispered to himself, hoping that Castiel would hear, ‘Not your black hair. Not your eyes, Not even your fucking trench coat.’

Tears were falling from Dean’s eyes. He just wanted to let go and live a regular hunter life; killing demons, killing monsters. 

‘I never asked for this. Let somebody else do it,’ Dean choked, his salty tears were now running like streams down his face. 

Just like that, after screaming his voice dry and crying Dean fell asleep outside under the stars that God made, amongst the mess of broken glass and pieces of metal underneath him. 

Dean didn’t dream that night. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let Castiel or another angle into his head like that. He couldn’t go on another wild goose chase like that again.

The last thought that Dean produced was “Fuck you, Castiel.”


	10. When the Levee Breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Anxiety Disorder and Intrusive Thoughts

_Stand up and accept your role._

_You are the one who will stop it._

Wandering aimlessly through Bobby’s car yard, Dean had been screaming Cas’ name for the past two and a half hours, his voice strained, eventually sounding like Cas’. Dean didn’t want to do this, Cas abandoned them a couple of days ago, he was no longer their friend. Dean decided that Cas was no longer welcome in their lives. _I can get on just fine without you, Cas._

Dean wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t his last option, Plan Z. But Sam was losing it, Dean had never seen a detox so violent and...well, supernatural. Sam was acting like he was being tortured. It was scaring Dean.

Dean didn’t have a choice. Bobby had been yelling at him for hours, trying to convince him to call Cas to get his help. Dean hated seeing his younger brother in that much pain, but he was sure that he could get someone else to help, someone else other Cas. Would Cas even want to see him?

After hours of Bobby screaming, Dean finally decided to go outside and call Cas. Dean must have lapped the entire yard, every square inch of the place at least 20 times before he finally gave up and propped himself up on the hood of a car. Dean rested his head in his hands.

_Come on, Cas. I know you don’t want to see me. I get it, you don’t serve me, you serve Heaven. You’re an angel for Pete’s sake, I wouldn’t expect you too. At least talk to me, you’ve never disappointed me, Cas. You have always put Heaven first, like you used to say “the bigger picture.”_

_I’m sure you can hear me Cas. It’s for the bigger picture, trust me. Sam just needs a little help getting better, getting all the demon blood out of his system, and then he can help with defeating the Apocalypse. There’s your “bigger picture.” Helping Sam now will fulfil your “bigger picture.”_

_Please, Cas. You know I wouldn’t be calling you if I had another choice. I need you._

Castiel appeared under the light a few metres away from where Dean was sitting on the car. Dean heard the slight flutter of wings, a gentle breeze moved over his shoulder. Dean looked up and was met with Castiel's straight posture. _I guess they shoved that stick up his ass real good this time._

‘Well, it’s about time. I’ve been screaming myself hoarse out here for hours now,’ Dean said, breaking the silence which settles between them. 

Dean’s face was on the verge of breaking, his lip quivering and his forehead creasing. Dean was trying to keep it together, but on Castiel’s appearance tonight, Dean felt it all come down and he knew that if he wasn’t careful something may happen. He wasn’t sure yet, but he knew he might not be able to prevent himself from breaking again.

‘What do you want?’ Cas asked Dean, half-heartedly. Walking up to Dean. Castiel may have been re-educated on his mission on Earth, but he never lost his manners.

‘You can start with what happened in Illinois. What were you going to tell me, Cas?’ Dean questioned. If he didn’t change the topic of this conversation soon, Dean knew that he was going to let loose. How whole life was falling apart and god forbid that he loses it in front of a brainwashed angel.

‘Nothing of import,’ Cas said, keeping the conversation short.

‘You got ass-reamed in Heaven, and it wasn’t of “import?”’ Dean questioned. 

‘Dean, I can’t. I’m sorry,’ Castiel replied, walking away from Dean and weaving himself through Bobby’s cars. 

‘Get to the real reason why you called me. It’s about Sam, right?’ Castiel said. Dean was at the tipping point, a fork in the road. If another word was spoken between them about Illinois or Heaven, Dena was going to crack.

‘Can he do it? Kill Lilith, stop the Apocalypse?’ Dean asked the million-dollar question.

‘Possibly...yes,’ Cas answered, tentatively.

‘But as you know...he’d have to take certain steps,’ Cas began, looking into Dean’s eyes. 

Cas noticed that Dean seemed calmer now. Ever since he abandoned Dean in Illinois, Cas had still kept an eye on him in Heaven, Dean was still in his charge after all. One would think that having a conversation about one’s brother and his demon blood consumption and powers would set someone more on edge, but not Dean. In Cas’ presence, Dean relaxed a little, bringing his guard down.

‘Crank up the hell-blood regimen,’ Dean continued on from Cas, walking up to him and meeting his gaze.

Dean felt his face soften, his jaw clenched and his lip stopped quivering. Even though Cas’ had the stick shoved back up his ass and probably became untrustworthy, Dean still felt a little safer in his presence. Dean couldn’t explain it. 

‘Consuming the amount of blood to kill Lilith would change your brother forever, Dean. Most likely, he would become the next creature you would have to kill.’ Cas said. He didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but someone had to notify Dean, and Cas knew that the angels in heaven would never.

‘However, there is no reason for this to come to pass, Dean. We believe it’s you, Dean, not your brother,’ Cas announced. 

‘The only question is, are you willing to accept it. Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it,’ Cas finished. 

‘If I do this, Sammy doesn't have to?’ Dean asked. He needed confirmation that Sammy would be free from this, from all the demon blood.

‘If it comforts you to see it that way, then yes,’ Cas confirmed for him.

‘God, you’re a dick these days,’ Dean commented, sighing. Now it was his turn to walk away from Cas.

Dean didn’t have to think about it much. There were no pros and cons for Dean to toss up. It was simple, let Sam corrupt himself further with demon blood, or believe in Cas once more and be the one to stop the Apocalypse. 

‘Fine. I’m in.’

‘You will give yourself over wholly to the service of God and his Angels?’ Cas questioned.

‘Yeah, exactly,’ Dean responded.

‘Say it,’ Cas said softly, almost immediately. He knew that Dean saying “yeah” would have sufficed, but he needed Dean to know that he could trust him again. Cas needed for Dean to believe in him again because heaven didn’t, they still saw Cas as weak. 

Dean turned to face him and caught his desperate stare, his blue eyes were slanted and his mouth was just slightly open. Dean didn’t want to be the reason for Castiel getting in serious trouble with Heaven again. So, Dean walked over to Cas slowly, no sound was made between them, and, as Cas could feel Dean’s shallow breath across his cheeks, Dean spoke.

‘I give myself over wholly to serve God and to you, Castiel.’

Dean could see and feel Cas’ hitched breath. ‘You swear to follow his will and word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own fathers?’ Cas matched Dean’s volume and tone. Just as Cas felt Dean’s warm breath on his lips, so did Dean feel Cas’ on his.

‘I swear,’ Dean replied, his voice shaking. 

Being this close to Cas, under the darkness of the night sky, Dean could begin to see all of Cas. Nothing was there to distract them except each other, but when neither of them spoke, Dean let his eyes wander around Cas’ face, and so did Cas let wander around Dean. 

Dean noticed how Cas almost always left his lips slightly parted, his two front teeth just visible through his pink lips. He noticed how Cas was always freshly shaven, imagining what it would feel like if he would just run a finger along it; how a shiver would form at the base of his neck and follow him down to the base of his spine.

Now out of Hell, Cas was finally able to notice Dean as well. How when Dean was angry or even slightly irritated, he would clench his jaw, clenching all of his muscles so as to not let anything slip. _Something he must have learnt from his father._ Oh, how Cas just wanted to heal the small cut above Dean’s left eyebrow and the reddish bruise surrounding the outside of his eye. How it would feel to touch Dean Winchester’s skin so intimately.

‘Now what?’ Dean asked, stepping away and taking a few breaths. Dean thought Cas would not notice, but, of course, Cas would. How could he not?

‘Now you wait. I-we will call you when it’s time,’ Cas stammered. It had only just occurred to him that he and Dean were not the only two left in this world. It always felt like that when it was just the two of them.

‘Dean, this will work out. Have faith in me as I do in you,’ Cas reassured Dean, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. However this time it was slightly more left than usual, almost as if Cas went to grab Dean’s face, but decided not to at the last minute.

_I’ve got you, Dean Winchester._

***

‘You walk out that door...don’t you ever come back,’ Dean said, lying on the floor still trying to gather his breath. 

Sam just looked at him with disgust in his eyes. That was the same thing their father told Sam when he left for Stanford. So, Sam opened the door and walked straight out, slamming the door behind him.

Dean was sure that he had broken a rib. As he laid there on the floor, nose bloodied, unable to move without pain, Dean just gave up.

 _How am I supposed to be the one who stops it when I can’t even stop my brother?_ Dean questioned himself. Dean felt the skin around his eyes warm, his eyes watering. 

‘Why me, Cas? WHY ME?’ Dean yelled, laying on the floor in pain, tears threatening the boundary of his eyes.

Dean heard a gust of wind and standing over him was Cas. Cas bent down over Dean and grabbed his right rib cage, healing the broken rib. 

‘I’m sorry, Dean,’ was the only thing that Castiel could say. 

This very moment reminded Cas of Dean’s last episode. Cas was worried for Dean; Cas knew that Dean had to be at his best to prevent Lucifer from rising and there was nothing that he could do about it. Cas just wasn’t powerful enough to help Dean, nothing was, perhaps God? But Cas knew he was never going to help, no matter how much believed. 

‘Cas, I don’t know what I’m doing, man.’ Dean groaned out. 

Although Dean was now free of any physical pain he still felt the same: pathetic, weak, useless. 

_What makes you think you can do it, you're just a man in a war way beyond your pay-grade. A war between Angels and Demons, and you're just a human. A weak, pathetic, useless excuse for a human. A cockroach, scum of the Earth._

_You can’t save them, no one can. God isn’t here, he isn’t gonna stop this. He is the only one who can stop what is about to happen. You can’t do anything._

_The only thing you're good at is getting injured and being a failure. You can’t even protect Sammy, not from monsters, demons, not even the demon blood. He is a lost cause because of your failure to save him._

Tears were now streaming down Dean’s face, rushing like the Mississippi. 

‘Cas. Make it stop, please MAKE IT STOP,’ Dean cried out, not knowing how loud he was. 

‘I’m sorry, Dean. I-I can’t,’ Cas said, helpless. 

Cas could not believe that the last time they spoke they were so intimate with each other. Cas felt that Dean could take on the world, Lilith, even Lucifer. Now, Dean was just lying on the floor, broken, unable to get up, and Cas couldn’t do a damn thing. 

_You're just like your father._

_He was too much of a coward. All he wanted was to kill, the kill. He didn’t care about you, why would he. You were his worst mistake, not yelling at Sam for going to Stanford. You. You were, is and will always be his worst mistake._

_You are just like him. Instead of helping Sammy, you left him, told him to go and never come back. No matter what you say or who you think you are, you will never escape him. You are him, Dean Winchester._

Dean laid there, paralysed on the floor. Cas had no idea what was happening. Last time Dean like this, Cas looked into his mind, his soul. Cas couldn’t do it again and it pained him, greatly. 

Cas just knelt there beside Dean as he laid motionless, eyes open, racing all over the room, but not really looking. It was as if Dean was in another world. 

When Dean stopped moving around, breathing properly and began to stare at the ceiling mindlessly, Cas thought something had happened to him, as he had entreated into a coma or something of a sort. Cas panicked and placed his hands on either side of Dean’s head, one on each temple. 

Cas could not believe what he saw. 

Dean felt another pair of arms grow out from his underarms, long, bony and navy blue and covered in some sort of mucus. They weren’t human, Dean didn’t know what they were and he was scared. There was nothing he could do but watch and feel. They kept growing and growing until they were long enough to reach his head. 

The bony hands had claws, talons, nails as sharp as knives. They itched at his head, and in one swift motion, the claws ripped Dean’s head open and started prodding at his brain. Picking at it, scratching it, eventually picking it up and ripping it in half and throwing it across the room. 

Dean’s head was throbbing and there was nothing that Cas could do to stop it. Cas took his hands away from Dean and propped himself up against whatever of the bed was left. His hand was in his hands and this was probably the first time that Castiel, Angel of the Lord, had ever felt his face wet with tears. 

Dean’s hand was twitching as he lied on the floor, his breath shallow, almost non-existent. He could see his brain on the other side of the room. How was he still alive, after all of this? Dean had no idea. 

_This is what you deserve. This is my design for you, Dean Winchester._

‘Please stop,’ Dean muttered out softly. 

Cas opened his eyes and looked up at Dean and froze. He had never seen a human like this before. Why would his father create such a broken man?

_Just tell me to stop and I will. After all, I am you._

‘S-s-stop,’ Dean cried out, his voice breaking, almost gone. 

_I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear that. Just a little louder._

Dean was writhing in pain on the floor, his tear-stained face all scrunched up. Dean no longer had the ability to cry. 

Dean had also lost the speak. He was screaming in his mind to stop. ‘STOP!’ But the voice continued, it wasn’t good enough. 

_You can’t drink me away anymore, Dean. I will always be here, in the back of your mind, infecting everything you hold dear._

_No amount of cheap beer or Bobby’s whiskey can drown me out, after all, I’ve had years of practice, honing in on that particular skill to swim. You can’t drown me anymore, Dean, I’ve learnt how to swim. You can’t kill me._

‘I’m so sorry I was able to protect you, Dean.’ Cas said, moving over to Dean, a few tears landing on his face. 

It wouldn’t help at all, but putting Dean’s brain to rest is the only thing he could think of doing. Dean looked like a dead man and Cas could no longer sit back and watch. 

‘Forgive me, Dean.’

Cas placed a hand on Dean’s forehead and sent him to sleep. Cas knew of the demons which would be chasing him in his head, but he just couldn’t watch him suffer like that. Cas saw Dean asleep and that’s all he was to him, asleep. 

Cas took him over to Bobby and informed him of Dean’s condition. Cas placed Dean in the same bed that he put him in the last time that Dean had an episode. 

Cas wanted to stay with him, to be with Dean in his dreams, to let him know that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t. Cas had to leave Dean, alone. 

Heaven couldn’t know of his time with Dean. Just by being with him, Cas was putting Dean and himself at risk of Heaven’s wrath. 

‘I’ll be back for you, Dean. Nothing can hurt you anymore,’ Cas said. He left Dean and flew up to Heaven.


	11. Lucifer Rising

_There is a right and there is a wrong here,_

_and you know it_

  
  


Dean had no idea if last night had actually happened or if he was having an extremely realistic nightmare, unable to wake up. It felt real but Dean could not believe that it would ever happen, he could never revert back to the way his father was. _Could I?_ Dean broke when he woke and saw Cas sitting at the end of his bed.

‘No,’ Dean whispered, losing all faith in himself.

‘I’m sorry, Dean. It was for your own good, sending you to sleep like that. I couldn’t leave you in that motel room. Not like that,’ Cas replied, his eyes never meeting Dean’s.

‘Dean. Dean? You listen to a word I just said?’ Bobby asked. 

‘Yeah, I heard you. I’m not calling him,’ Dean replied to Bobby, pulled out his thoughts from last night at the sound of his voice. 

‘Don’t make me get my gun, boy!’ Bobby exclaimed.

‘We are damn near kickoff for Armageddon, don’t you think we got bigger fish at the moment?’ Dean asked rhetorically. 

‘I know you’re pissed and I’m not making apologies. But he’s your-’

‘-Blood? He’s my blood? Is that what you were going to say?’

‘He’s your brother and he’s drowning. And so are you,’ Bobby said, the latter half much quieter than the first. 

‘What?’ Dean spat at Bobby.

‘You heard me. You’re drowning and we can’t have that right now. Call and make up with him. Armageddon is the bigger fish you idjit.’ Bobby was fuming. 

Dean was taken aback by this sudden outburst from Bobby. Dean would have thought that Bobby, of all people, would understand what Dean was going through. Bobby watched him grow up, how his father would just drop him and Sam and go. _I at least thought you would understand, Bobby._

‘We don’t need Sam, okay? Cas told me I was the one who was going to stop it. Not Sam. Not some other hunter. Me!’ Dean fired back, he continued.

‘Even so, screw Sam, he can do whatever he wants. Sam chose demon blood over me, I’m not even sure if he’s my brother anymore. If he ever was,’ Dean finished, sitting down on the collapsed lounge in Bobby’s study. 

Bobby was filled with rage. He practically raised these boys and he sure wasn’t going to watch them fall apart like this. Sam and Dean were the last things each other had left, they can’t lose each other. 

Bobby swiped everything off his desk, ‘you stupid, stupid, son of a bitch. Well, boohoo, I am so sorry that your feelings are hurt, princess.’

Dean stood up to meet Bobby’s fury, truthfully shocked at the outburst.

‘Your under the impression that family’s supposed to make you feel good? They’re supposed to make you miserable, that’s why they’re miserable,’ Bobby finished. 

‘I don’t need that from you, Bobby. Not now,’ Dean said, sighing as he walked over to the kitchen doorway, waving Bobby off. 

After a few breaths settled between the two, Dean turned to apologise to Bobby because he was, indeed, acting like a brat. Instead, Dean was met with a glamorous white room with gold inlaying, picture frames depicting marvellous scenes of nature and humanity, and statues of angels all around the room. 

A scent tangled in Dean’s nose. It was something he had not smelt in a while, not for 25 years. _Home, baked apple pies and...the earthy smell of rain?_

‘Petrichor, I believe,’ a voice said from behind Dean, but he knew in an instant who it was. 

‘Hello, Dean. It’s almost time’ Cas said.

‘Cas,’ Dean whispered under his breath. 

Dean had felt Cas’ presence that night in the motel room, he had prayed to him, begged him to stop whatever was happening to him. 

Dean had never seen Cas look like this before, even though it wasn’t possible, it looked like Cas had dark circles under his eyes. He looked like Dean after an especially long hunt. Dean could feel the pity rolling off of Cas, surrounding Dean.

The closest, _maybe,_ was after Dean watched his mother make a deal with Azazel. The sympathy Cas was portraying was the same as that night in 1973, it was uncanny. 

‘I need to get Zachariah,’ Cas said, disappearing in front of Dean just as he went to grab his arm. Dean stumbled forwards to where Cas was standing.

***

Dean had been wandering around the room for what felt like hours, inspecting very renaissance paintings and all the angel statues, scoffing at them all.

The smell of freshly cooked beef and cheese caught Dean’s attention. Turning around, Dean was rather sceptical. Picking up a beer, Dean noticed that it was actually the first beer he had ever had, though it was not necessarily the greatest.

‘Hello, Dean.’ Zachariah said in his annoyingly upbeat voice from behind Dean. 

‘Well, would you look at that, The Suite Life of Zach and Cas,’ Dean commented. 

Zachariah just looked over to Cas, dumbfounded. 

‘It’s a- never mind. What is this? Where the hell am I?’ Dean questioned. Dean hated being trapped in the room for what felt like hours and being completely left in the dark. 

‘Call it a green room. We’re closing in on the grand finale here, Dean. Wanna keep you safe before showtime.’ Zachariah said, rubbing his hands together as if he were planning something diabolical. 

‘Here, try a burger. They’re your favourite! From that sea-side shack in Delaware. You were 11, I think.’ Zachariah continued, trying to calm Dean before the Final Seal. 

‘No, not hungry,’ Dean said, holding up a hand. 

‘No? What about Ginger from season two of Gilligan’s Island?’ Zachariah asked. 

Dean only briefly considered. An image of her ginger hair and slim body consumed Dean’s mind, but eventually, his eyes fell onto Cas’. Dean just stared as Cas dropped his head and looked at the floor, almost ashamed to be in the presence of Dean Winchester. 

The last time Dean had seen Cas act like this was with the Rising of Samhain and with Anna. _Oh no, Cas. What have you gotten yourself into?_

‘Ball in the Holodecks. I wanna know what the game plan is,’ Dean said, dismissing Zachariah as he moved to Cas. 

Cas didn’t respond. Zachariah placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder and began to talk but he didn’t listen. Dean instinctually shrugged Zachariah’s hand off, it wasn’t his to touch. 

Dean understood that after Cas’ return to Heaven that he had not been entirely himself. But if the events of last night were true, and Cas came to Dean’s side and helped when Dean needed him the most, then Dean knew that Cas must be saving his own ass in Heaven. 

_It’s okay, Cas. I get it._

‘Listen here, Chuckles. I’m about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking,’ Dean demanded. 

Zachariah sighed. ‘All the Seals have fallen, except one.’

‘Now, what an impressive score. That’s all the way up there with the Washington Generals,’ Dean half-laughed. 

‘Sarcasm, really Dean. Considering that you started all of this, I wouldn’t,’ Zachariah said in a tone Dean had not heard for years, not since his father was still alive. 

Cas recognised the brief fear in Dean’s face. When Cas pulled Dean from Hell he had seen the purity of Dean’s soul and how it had been contaminated by his father’s lack of parenting and abuse. 

When Zachariah spoke like that to Dean, Cas took a slight step forward. He didn’t necessarily know why. Was it because the very mention of John Winchester made Cas feel an amount of uncontrollable rage? Or was it because Cas felt the overwhelming need to protect Dean from another dangerous episode? 

It didn’t matter the reason. All Cas wanted to know was if Dean was okay. 

‘But, the Final Seal, it’ll be different,’ Zachariah finished. 

‘Why?’ Dean questioned. 

‘Lilith has to break it. She’s the only one who can. Tomorrow. Midnight.’ Zachariah replied. 

‘Where?’

‘We’re working on that.’

‘Work harder!’ Dean demanded, slightly yelling. 

‘We’ll do our jobs, you do yours,’ Zachariah said calmly. 

‘Yeah, and what is that exactly? I'm the one to stop her. How? With the knife?’ Dean questioned, finally deciding that this was way out of his league. 

‘Have faith, Dean.’ Zachariah said. 

‘What, in you? I’m sorry but the only one of you son of a bitches I have faith in is Cas.’ 

Cas thought Dean wouldn’t notice, but Dean saw the little smirk pulling at Cas’ lips. 

‘You swore your obedience, Dean, to _all_ of us. So obey,’ Zachariah commanded, using that same tone that made Dean quiver. 

Cas noticed how Dean’s eyes shined with tears. The restraint in which Cas had to draw from in order to not attack Zachariah was large, something Cas had never had to draw on. 

Dean noticed the anger in Cas’ eyes and how he clenched his jaw extra hard. Dean looked Cas up and down and with soft eyes indicated that it was okay. _It’s okay, Cas._

Cas only relaxed a little, still clear that if Zachariah were to make another wrong move it would not end well. 

Zachariah grabbed Cas by the shoulder and without a word or gesture, Zachariah flew both of them back to Heaven. 

***

Dean was left wondering around the room, again, looking at the same paintings and angel statues he’s been seeing for hours. Dean didn’t want to get comfortable, he wanted to be there for Sammy when they let him out. Dean stood all the entire time that he was trapped in the room, but he needed to talk to Cas and so Dean took a seat at the now empty table; all the beers and burgers were gone and on noticing this Dean’s stomach let out a little growl.

_Hey Cas, I don’t know if you can hear me but I really need to talk to you._

_The last time you acted like this you were either on my side or hated the orders you had to follow. I guess they’re the same thing but all I know is that you must stand with me somewhere on this._

_I saw right through you, Cas. I’m sure Zacariah and the angels didn’t but they’re a bunch of junkless dicks anyway, what do they know?_

_I know you don’t want this. Armageddon, Cas? You can’t want that. I know you probably pulled me from Hell knowing that this was coming but I know you don’t want this. If you did, then you would have let Uriel smite that town to stop Samhain. If you wanted this like all the angels do then you would not have become my friend._

_Please, Cas. If there is still a shred of decency left in you after bible camp then come, talk to me._

_Cas, I’m trying so hard but I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I know I said that I’ll do whatever you guys tell me to do but Cas, I really only ever meant you. I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. I’ll try hard for you and only for Cas. I don’t care about the other angles, you are the only good guy left. I can’t lose you too._

_Cas. Please just get your feathery ass down here._

Dean peaked his eyes open slowly to see if Cas had gotten his prayer. Seeing that he was still alone in this room, Dean commenced his hundredth round of the room. Walking extra slow this time, Dean noticed a small, white ceramic statue sitting on the edge of a stand. 

Dean has passed this stand one hundred times and had never noticed it before, it didn’t look like the others, it was new. Dean was bored and decided to knock it off the stand, a huffed laugh escaping his lips. 

‘You asked to see me?’ Cas pointed out from behind him, staring at the shard of the angel statute that Dean had pushed off the stand. 

Dean felt a little wave of embarrassment wash over him as he turned to face Cas. ‘Ahh, yeah. Listen, I-I need something,’ Dean stammered, moving to cover up the broken angel with his feet. 

‘Anything you wish,’ Cas offered.

‘I need you to take me to see Sam,’ Dean asked.

Cas hesitated a while before replying to Dean. ‘That’s not wise.’

‘Well, I didn’t ask for your opinion,’ Dean said, aggressively, walking towards Cas. 

‘Do you remember what happened the last time you met?’

‘No. That’s the point. Listen, I’m gonna do whatever you mooks want, okay. I just need to tie up this one little thing. Five minutes, that’s all I need.’

Cas wanted to let Dean see his brother. He wanted for Dean to make things right with Sam. More than anything in the world, Cas wanted for Sam to forgive his brother. Ever since the other night Cas had seen how broken Dean really was, it was heartbreaking. Castiel was an Angel of the Lord and he couldn’t even help a human. Cas saw how much Dean was hurting after saying those words to Sam and he knew that he had to fix it.

‘No,’ Cas reluctantly replied.

‘What do you mean “no”? Your saying I’m trapped here?’ Dean questioned. Of all people, he was sure that Cas would let him see Sam.

‘Trust me, Dean. I would give anything for you to make up with your brother but it’s too dangerous for you to be out there alone right now.’ Cas confessed.

‘But, Zachariah said you can go wherever you want,’ Cas continued.

‘Super. I wanna go see Sam.’

‘Except there.’

‘Fine. I’ll go for a walk.’

‘Okay, I’ll go with you.’

‘Alone.’ Dean tried

‘No.’

Dean had given up on Cas. The two stood in each other's company for a moment in silence just looking at each other, Cas summoning the courage to talk to Dean.

‘Dean, I want you to know that I believe in you.’ Cas reached for Dean, but Dean pulled away, Cas’ lips were pulled into a thin line. ‘And I hope you know that I appreciate your efforts.’ Cas wanted to say so much more but had to restrain himself. The angels were watching.

‘Screw this noise. I’m outta here,’ Dean said brushing past Cas, a light blush creeping its way onto his face at the touch of Dean, but soon diminished at the thought of Dean not believing in him.

‘Through what door,’ Cas said, pulling himself out of a fictitious reality.

Dean stopped and looked back at Cas, squinting his eyes like Cas did when he was confused. Dean scoffed at Cas’ mediocre threat and went to leave but was met with another wall with an angle statute and some candles. As he looked back to scold Cas he was gone and Dean was left all alone, again.

***

Cas watched as Dean attempted to fight his way out of the room, banging an angel statue into the wall, making several dents. But it was Castiel’s job to keep on fixing it, to not let Dean out of the room. It was almost as if he was still being punished for getting too close to Dean. 

‘Son of a bitch,’ Dean muttered, throwing the angel statue away as he stood in shock staring at the now fixed wall. 

‘Quit hurling feces like a howler monkey, would you. It’s unbecoming,’ Zachariah commented, gaining Dean’s attention. 

‘Let me outta here!’ Dean demanded. 

‘Like I told you, too dangerous out there. Demons on the prowl,’ Zachariah returned. 

‘I’ve been getting my ass kicked all year and now you’re worried about my safety-’ Dean began, taking a breath to calm himself down. Dean hated it, but still, he recognised that getting aggressive with an angel right now wasn’t a good idea. 

‘-All I want is to see Sam. Even so, how am I supposed to ice Lilith?’ Dean questioned. 

Zachariah sighed. ‘You’re not...going to ice Lilith. She is going to break the Final Seal.’

‘But me and Sam, we can stop this-’

Dean could not believe what Zachariah just said. For the past year Sam and Dean, and to some extent, Cas, had gone out of their way to stop Seals from being broken and now it’s not even up to them to stop Armageddon. _So my loyalty to Heaven is useless now?_

‘-You don't want to stop it, do you?’ Dean realised.

‘Nope. Never did. The end is nigh, the Apocalypse is coming to a theatre near you,’ Zachariah said dramatically, his smug face irritating Dean.

‘What was all the crap about saving the Seals then?’

‘Humans can be so thick sometimes’ Zachariah muttered to himself.

‘We couldn’t just tell you the whole truth, otherwise, we would have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. Alright, think about it, would we really let 65 Seals get broken unless senior management didn’t want it?’ Zachariah confessed.

‘I do say, the Apocalypse is a poor name, it puts people off. When all it is, is Ali-Foreman. On a slightly larger scale, but we like our chances.’

Dean couldn’t even look at Zachariah anymore, he was beyond disgusted. The painting above Zachariah’s head had caught Dean’s attention, Dean didn’t understand how he didn’t pick up on it before but all the paintings in the stupid green room depicted scenes of battle and conflict, like previous Armageddon’s. If you looked close enough you could see the hope rinse from Dean’s bright green eyes and turn to a dull, dark green. Lifeless almost. 

‘When our side wins, and we will, it’s paradise on Earth. What’s not to like about that?’ Zachariah asked as if Dean would agree with him.

‘And what happens to all the people during your little pissing contests, huh?’ Dean replied.

‘Well, can’t make an omelette without cracking a few eggs. In this case, a truckload of eggs, but you get the picture.’ Zachariah said with confidence.

Zachariah noticed the hatred in Dean and tried to reassure him, ‘look, shit happens. This isn’t the first planetary enema we’ve delivered.’ Zachariah attempted to place a hand on Dean’s shoulder as a way to make “planetary enema” sound like it was the most common thing on Earth, but Dean stepped back.

_God, I wish you were here Cas._

‘What about Sam? He won’t go quietly. He’ll stop Lilith,’ Dean questioned.

‘Sam has a part to play, a very important part. He may need a little nudging in the right direction but I’ll make sure he plays it.’ Zachariah responded.

‘What does that mean? What are you going to do to him?’ Dean questioned. He couldn’t let anything hurt Sammy, not after their last encounter. Sam needed to know that Dean loved and supported him.

‘Forget about him will you. You have larger concerns, we didn’t lie to you about your destiny. You are chosen,’ Zachariah said. 

Zachariah turned Dean to face one of the paintings on the wall. There was this large celestial being, and angel, fully armoured defeating this damned, vile creature. 

‘It’s just that you won’t stop Lilith or the Apocalypse-’ Zachariah snapped his fingers and this angels face was replaced with a renaissance version of Dean’s

‘-Lucifer. You’re going to stop Lucifer. You’re our own little Russell Crowe, complete with a surly attitude.’

Dean was glued to the painting. All he wanted to do was to walk away, even look away was good enough for him but he couldn’t. 

‘And when you’ve won, and you will, the rewards will be unimaginable. Peace. Happiness’ Zachariah said, attempting to sell this to Dean as if it were a brand new, Hybrid car. 

As Zachariah began to walk away, Dean found the courage and spoke up, ‘Tell me something. Where’s God in all of this?’

‘God? God has left the building.’ Zachariah said, flying away. 

***

All Dean wanted to do was break down. He was helpless, nothing Dean could do could fix what was happening, he couldn’t stop it. He was trapped. 

Cas was watching Dean and Zachariah’s conversation from Heaven. All he wanted to do was to be there for Dean, to support him and explain in a much softer way what this meant. 

Cas had no idea that this is what the Apocalypse was going to look like. He knew what he had to do when he went to Hell and ultimately pulled Dean from it. 

Cas wasn’t anticipating this, questioning everything he knew for one human. 

Cas had witnessed the casting of Lucifer from Heaven, the creation of stars (even creating some himself), the evolution of aquatic life to land mammals, mass extinction events, the evolution of humans, the union of Mary and John Winchester, and most importantly, the birth of Sam and Dean Winchester. 

What was a simple order from Heaven: to save Dean Winchester from Hell, turned into a moral crisis for Cas. Only God knows the moral dilemma that Cas is suffering through. 

Torn between two worlds; Heaven and Earth, Cas feels just as hopeless as Dean. 

_How could you do this to me, Father? I have been nothing but loyal to you. I’ve watched and created, intervened at your will and now you leave me with nothing but angels who have never even seen you._

_All I need is some guidance, tell me what I’m doing is right and I promise that I will never question you again. I know this is not much but please just tell me what I’m doing is right._

_Father, just tell me that helping Dean is the right thing to do._

Cas had been pleading with God, hoping that everything he has done was right ever since Dean ended up in hospital after Uriel set Alastair on Dean. 

Cas felt nothing, he knew it was a long shot but all he wanted was for a sign to say that Dean was not worth it. 

Sure, the other angels have told him on countless occasions that the human was not worth his time, but that didn’t mean much to Cas. Their inability to feel or at least understand meant nothing to Cas and so their opinion didn’t matter to him. 

‘You can’t reach him, Dean.’ Cas said appearing in the room with Dean. 

At the sound of Cas’ voice, Dean put his phone away and despite how much he hated himself for it, Dean eased a little at the sound of Cas’ voice. 

‘What are you gonna do to Sam?’ Dean questioned, turning to face Cas. 

‘Nothing. He’s gonna do it to himself,’ Cas replied. 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Dean asked. Cas just lowered his head. 

Cas couldn’t tell Dean what Sam was going to do to himself. No matter how many times he practised it Cas could not find the courage to tell Dean. If Dean knew what Sam was going to do to himself, Dean would never forgive himself and Cas couldn’t ever have that. 

‘Oh that’s right, got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?’ Dean asked. He was just about sick of angels piping in every second. 

‘We’ve been through much together, you and I. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that it has to end like this.’ Cas apologised. 

Cas hated it, but he knew that if he were to have any luck in surviving Heaven after Dean defeats Lucifer then he knew that he had to end whatever was going between him and Dean. 

‘Sorry?’ Dean scoffed. 

Any day of the week Dean’s right hook would have landed anybody flat on their ass, monster or not. Instead, Cas’ face was as hard as concrete, maybe harder. Dean turned his back on Cas and let out a soft groan of pain, caressing his fist. 

‘It’s Armageddon Cas. You need a bigger word than sorry!’ Dean exclaimed. 

‘Try to understand. This is long foretold. This is your-’

‘-Destiny? Don’t give me the holy crap, Cas. You’re better than that.’ Dean interrupted. 

‘Destiny, God’s plan. It’s all a bunch of lies you poor, stupid, son of a bitch. it’s just a way for you bosses to keep me, and keep you, in line.’ Dean started. 

But before Cas could restrain himself he let out a soft ‘I know.’ Cas had no idea where this came from. Dean’s destiny was one of the biggest Heaven had ever seen. Why would he ever question it?

‘You know what’s real? People. Families. Us, what you, Sam and I have been doing to help these people, that’s real. And you’re gonna watch them all burn?’ Dean questioned. At this point, Dean could not have believed that he and Cas were ever friends. He wished he never trusted him. 

Cas knew that helping Dean stop Seals from breaking was bad for Heaven, but he couldn’t stop. He loved his Father’s creation and he did it want to see it destroyed again. He agreed with Dean and his crusade to save humanity. But he could never let Heaven know that. 

‘What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here’ Cas said, drawing in his own pain to sound convincing. He already knew the answer to this and it hurt him to say what he said, to oppose Dean like that. 

‘I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, your confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You’ll be at peace. Even with Sam.’ Cas continued. 

Cas hated using Dean and his relationship to Heaven’s advantage. Cas hated how he used Dean’s insecurities to Heaven’s advantage. 

Cas was at a loss, stuck in between two worlds, not knowing how to successfully stay in one. He knew that if he told Dean, here and now, what he really thought about the Apocalypse, Heaven would have cast him out, Cas would be hunted. 

Cas was exhausted which was odd because angels never got exhausted. Cas found this strange. He dropped his head, unable to look Dean in the eye. 

Dean ducked his head, trying to get Cas’ attention. ‘You can take your peace and shove it up your lily-white ass. Because I’ll take the pain and the guilt, he’ll I’ll even take Sam as is. It’s a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise.’ Dean retaliated. 

Dean let loose. ‘No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here and you know it!’ Dean exclaimed, raising his voice a little. 

By this point, Cas had turned his back at Dean. Cas couldn’t look at any part of Dean in fear that he might accidentally renounce Heaven here and now for Dean. 

Dean grabbed him hard by the shoulder, scrunching up his coat shoulder, Dean turned him around hard. Cas could have used his strength to stay put but the touch of Dean consumed his being and there was nothing on this Earth which could have saved Cas from it. 

‘Look at me! And you know it’ Dean demanded, repeating his last sentence. 

‘Now you were going to help me once, weren’t you? You were gonna warn me before they dragged you to Bible camp. Help me now, please. I need you, Cas.’ Dean finished, grabbing Cas by his arms to keep him from turning around in him again. 

Cas relaxed in Dean’s arms. It was getting harder and harder by the second to keep up his pro-Heaven facade. Dean meant too much to Cas and it was not long before Cas would break and help Dean. _Not now,_ Cas kept telling himself. 

‘What would you have me do?’ Cas asked. 

‘Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it’s too late,’ Dean said immediately. 

‘I do that, we will all be hunted. We’ll all be killed,’ Cas voiced. 

‘If there is anything worth dying for, this is it.’ Dean said, hoping that he was finally getting through to Cas. Dean would have sacrificed anything to convince Cas of how true the statement was. 

Cas just shook his head and left, flying to Heaven. Cas panicked, he couldn’t risk everything he had tried to convince Heaven he wasn’t. Cas knew that if he stayed any longer the chances of him and Dean practically running away together and stopping the Apocalypse was high. 

‘You spineless, soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? you’re already dead. We’re done.’ Dean said, talking to himself. 

***

Dean was pacing around the room Dean had no idea what to do, he couldn’t escape, he was trapped until Sam killed Lilith and set Lucifer free. But still, Dean attempted to generate some ideas on escaping, but nothing worked. 

A loud grumble erupted out of Dean’s stomach, he had no idea how long he went without eating, so at last, Dean succumbed and took a burger from the table and just as he was about to eat it he was pulled backwards, dropping the burger on the table. 

After retreating to Heaven, Cas prayed to his Father again. Similar to the last prayer, but then Cas remembered what Dean had asked Zachariah, “Where’s God in all of this?” 

God had truly “left the building” as Zachariah said. God wasn’t here, he was gone. God and Dean were the only two things Cas would ever listen to. Now that God was gone, Dean was the only one Cas would listen to, be friends with, trust in. Cas handed himself over completely to Dean’s will.

Cas appeared behind Dean and grabbed him by the shoulder, his shoulder, spun him around so that Dean was against the wall with Cas’ hand over his mouth. 

The last time Cas left Dean was not too long ago but still, Cas felt a change in Dean. Cas felt Dean’s trust diminish bit by bit. 

Upon pinning Dean to the wall, Cas stared at Dean, searching for any last bit of hope left Dean had for him. It was not much, in fact, any other angel wouldn’t have seen it, too small and useless of an act. 

Dean noticed what Cas was doing, just by his presence, his act of pinning Dean against the wall, he knew what Cas was doing. Dean nodded his head. He didn’t exactly know what Cas’ plan was going to be but he trusted him enough that Cas was going to get him to Sammy and, hopefully, Cas would get out of there too!

Cas Dean’s demon knife pointed at him, Dean knew it was there, he could feel the tip of it through the layers of clothing but Dean knew that Cas wasn’t going to hurt him. 

Cas removed his hand from Dean’s mouth and they both let out a heavy breath they had developed in the moment. Dean watched as Cas pulled his sleeve up and cut his arm with it, the desire to cradle Cas’ arm as he cut it overwhelmed Dean.

Dean watched in silence as Cas used his blood to draw a sigil on the wall. Dean watched as Cas’ arm moved in a hurry, drawing circles and lines, committing every movement to memory.

‘Castiel!’ Zachariah yelled from across the room. 

‘Would you mind explaining what the hell you think you’re doing?’ Zachariah questioned. Dean noticed the fear on Cas’ face and moved in front of him to protect him. Dean went to grab the demon knife in Cas’ hand to fend off Zachariah as Cas finished the sigil. 

Just as Zachariah reached Dean, placing a hand on his arm, Cas finished the sigil and placed a bloodied hand on it, a bright light flickering from Zachariah. Dean closed his eyes. Zachariah was gone.

‘He won’t be gone long. We have to find Sam now!’ Cas said with some urgency.

‘Where is he?’ Dean asked, now much more confident in Cas.

‘I don’t know, but I know someone who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith, ’ Cas replied, the adrenaline still coursing through his body. 

‘But Lilith is going to break the Final Seal,’ Dean said.

‘Lilith is the Final Seal. She dies, the end begins!’ Cas said, the rush still lingering.

Cas took Dean by the shoulder and left the green room. Cas and Dean showed up in Chuck’s kitchen, he was on the phone talking about some hookers for the night. _I guess being a Prophet has its perks,_ Dean thought.

‘Wait. This isn’t supposed to happen,’ Chuck said, hanging up the phone.

‘We need to know where Sam is. Tell us, NOW!’ Cas yelled, grabbing Chuck by the shirt and holding him to the table, his angel blade pointing to his abdomen. 

‘Woah, Cas, take it easy,’ Dean said, placing his hands on Cas’, pulling him off Chuck. ‘Just tell us where Sam is.’

‘Saint Mary’s Convent in Ilchester, Maryland, Chuck told them, moving as far away from Cas as he could

‘Saint Mary’s Convent?’ Dean said. 

‘Yeah, but you guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story,’ Chuck informed them. 

‘Yeah, well, we’re making it up as we go,’ Cas said looking over to Dean, a smile forming on both of their lips. 

Suddenly, a loud ringing engulfed the room accompanied by a bright light. ‘Oh no. Not again,’ Chuck whined. 

‘It’s the Archangel. I’ll hold him off. I’ll hold them all off. Just stop Sam!’ Cas commanded, transporting Dean to Saint Mary’s Convent.

Dean didn’t want to leave Cas alone with the army of Archangels. After everything they had been through in the past year, Dean could not stand losing a friend. He had lost Sam enough times to demon blood and didn’t feel like losing another friend. 

‘Cas. No!’ Dean exclaimed, mixing at the ground. Cas was dead, he could feel it. 

Dean felt drained of everything, all he wanted to do was sink to the ground and stay there as if all energy had left him. The thought of even stopping Sam seemed impossible to complete. 

But, the last thing Cas wanted Dean to do was to stop Sam and save the world from damnation. And for Cas, Dean would do just about anything. 

Dean entered the old convent and followed the candles to a hallway where he saw Sam, Ruby and Lilith; Sam ready for the kill. 

Stunned by what he saw, Ruby smiled at Dean and in that moment he realised who Ruby truly was, what her intentions were. _She’s not here to stop the Apocalypse, she’s starting it._

‘I’ve been waiting for this, for a very long time.’ Sam said, the blood of several demons running through his veins, his heart pumping it throughout his whole body. 

Lilith huffed, ‘give me your best shot.’

Concentrating on the power of the demon blood, Sam raised his hand and envisioned Lilith dying, the smoke of her existence dying. 

Lilith began to glow from the inside. _It’s working._ After a few seconds, Sam heard a quiet ‘Sam’ from behind him. It sounded like Dean. Thinking nothing of it, Sam continued in Lilith, but this ‘Sam’ he was hearing turned into ‘Sammy’ and a strained one at that. 

Sam lowered his hand and turned to look at the locked dirt behind them, the door moving slightly with each ‘Sammy.’

Ruby was yelling something at Sam, but he didn’t hear it. It was along the lines of “what are you waiting for?” and “do it! Now!” But all that Sam could focus on was the sound of Dean’s voice. 

_He’s come to save me._

Lilith’s laugh broke through Sam and he was brought back into the reality of the situation. ‘You’ve turned yourself into a freak. A monster,’ Lilith laughed some more. ‘And now you’re not gonna bite. I’m sorry but that is honestly adorable.’ Lilith continued to laugh. 

Sam turned back to Lilith and concentrating all of the power he had on Lilith, demon and not, he continued to kill Lilith. Sam’s eyes succumbed to the demon power, becoming all black. 

It took no time at all for Sam to kill Lilith, by the time that Dean broke through the doors it was too late, Lilith was dead and Sam had killed her. 

‘Sammy, No.’ Dean said in a low voice, a tone of disbelief. Dean had failed to do the one thing that Cas ordered him to do before he died and Dean failed him. 

The blood which looked at Lilith’s mouth began to move, forming a circle on the floor. 

‘I can’t believe it,’ Ruby whispered to herself. 

‘Wait. What’s going on?’ Sam questioned as Dean slumped to the floor, landing in his knees

‘I’m sorry, Cas. aim so ducking sorry,’ Dean whispered to himself. 

Meanwhile, Ruby spoke, ‘you did it. I mean it was a little touch and go there for a while, but you did it.’

What? What did I do?’ Sam continued to question. Ruby was happy to oblige. 

‘You opened the door. And now he’s free at last. He’s free at last.’

‘No, no, no. I stopped Lilith. I killed her.’ Sam pointed out. 

‘And it is written that the first demon shall be the last Seal,’ Ruby quoted. 

‘And you bust her open. Guess who’s coming to dinner?’ 

Dean was still on the floor, too much running threw his mind that he couldn’t even touch a thought. Cas had died and he died for nothing, Sam killed Lilith which meant that Lucifer had risen. Armageddon had started. 

‘All the demons out for my head, no one knew. I was the best of the sons of bitches. The most loyal. Not even Alastair knew. Only Lilith.’ Ruby started, taking a breath to pause. 

‘Yeah. I’m sure you’re a little angry right now, but I mean, come on, Sam. Even you have to admit I’m-I’m awesome!’ Ruby finished. 

All that Dean wanted to do was to scream and see Cas, but he couldn’t. _Cas is dead._ A few tears made their way down Dean’s face. 

Sam attempted to kill Ruby like he did with Lilith but instead was met with an excruciating headache. Sam collapsed on the spot. 

‘Don’t hurt yourself, Sammy. It’s useless. You shot your payload on the boss.’ Ruby said. 

‘Listen, Sammy. I know it’s hard but this is a miracle. Everything Azazel did, as Lilith did, just to get you here. And you were the only one who could do it.’ Ruby said cross hung down to meet Sam, cradling his face. 

‘Why? Why me?’ Sam protested. 

‘Because it had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you,’ Ruby confessed. 

It took a while, but the thoughts rushing through Dean’s head finally slowed down enough for him to think. Dean looked over to a collapsed Sam on the floor with Ruby bent over him, caressing his face. 

‘You scared us. You set him free and he’s gonna be grateful. He’s gonna repay you in ways that can’t even imagine.’ Ruby continued. 

Dean stood and held the demon knife in his hand which Cas had returned to him. 

‘You’re too late,’ Ruby said. 

‘I don’t care,’ Dean responded. If he couldn’t honour Cas by stopping Dean, then killing the bitch who let this happen would be close enough. 

Sam jumped up and grabbed Ruby by her arms, holding her against him as Dean stabbed Ruby with the knife and twisted it. 

Ruby was finally dead. 

_I hope this was enough, Cas._

‘I’m sorry,’ Sam told Dean, meaning every letter of the words. 

Before Dean could say or do anything the blood which formed a circle on the floor had released a bright, blinding light, shooting up towards Heaven. 

‘Sammy, let’s go,’ Dean said, grabbing Sam's clothes, attempting to move him, but Sam was as hard as stone. As hard as Cas was when Dean punched him. 

‘He’s coming,’ was the last thing the boys heard before the light consumed them.


	12. Sympathy for the Devil

_ How long will I blame it on past life tragedy. _

_ There’s no remedy. _

  
A ringing consumed the boys, their hands pressed so hard against their ears and their eyes squeezed shut so tight that it was impossible for anything to penetrate. 

Dean tilted his body a little to lean into Sam, letting him know that he wasn’t alone. Dean knew that it was selfish of him to think of Cas instead of stopping his brother from killing Lilith. His father had instilled in him from the beginning that family, that blood was everything, to protect Sammy at all costs; and in a moment of weakness, Dean was instead mourning an angel that he had only known for a year. 

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you, Sammy.’ Dean whispered, he tried to yell to try and get his brother to know how sorry he was, but he was barely audible. 

The boys braced for imminent death, but slowly the ringing in their ears and light from behind their eyes and hands lessened. Dean dared to peek his eyes opened and when he saw that they were no longer near Lucifer’s cage he shoved his brother and Sam slowly opened his eyes.

The little aeroplane tv playing a Yosemite Sam Looney Tunes cartoon in the background soon caught Dean’s attention. ‘What the hell?’ Dean questioned.

‘I don’t know,’ Sam replied, both of the boys were astonished that they survived.

Soon the pilot came over the PA system, ‘Folks, a quick word from the flight deck. We’re just passing over Ilchester, the Ellicott City on our initial descent into Baltimore-Washington.’

‘Ilchester? Weren’t we just there?’ Dean questioned as the boys straightened their backs uncomfortably against the aeroplane chairs. Dean looked out the window

The pilot continued, ‘So now will be a good time to stretch your legs-’ The pilot was cut off by a deafening bang and a bright light. The plane jerked forward and everyone who was standing stumbled and fell onto the floor.

Sam and Dean were thrown forwards as the oxygen masks came out. Everyone was screaming and just as Dean got his oxygen mask on he looked out the small window and watched on as the Lucifer’s Cage in Saint Mary’s Convent opened. 

***

Somehow Sam and Dean made it off the plane alive. The boys snuck out of the airport and stole a car. Dean had no idea where he was going, he was just driving. He had no idea where to go in the first palace, he couldn’t go to Cas because he’s dead and they wouldn't dare go near the convent now.

Sam sat in the passenger seat in silence as he watched Dean drive mindlessly. ‘Why don’t we go to Chuck’s, maybe the angels told him what’s happening,’ Sam suggested, Dean grunted in reply. 

Dean flicked through all the radio stations this car had. The first one talked about the Convent and terrorism, then hurricanes, North Korean nuclear testing, earth tremors, swine flue; Dean just turned the radio off. The boys were sitting in silence, again.

Sam gave a heavy sigh before he began to speak, ‘Dean. Look I-’ he was cut off.

‘Don’t say anything.’ Dean interrupted. ‘It’s okay. We just gotta keep our heads down and hash this out, alright?’

Sam agreed, ‘yeah alright.’

‘First things first, how did we end up on Soul Plane?’ Dean posed.

‘I don’t know. Cas maybe? Other Angels?’ Sam responded. 

Hearing Cas’ name come from somebody else's mouth felt wrong. Dean dropped his head when Sam said his name.  _ Cas. _ Bringing his head back up to the road, he imagined his stupid trenchcoat ripped to shreds on Chuck’s kitchen floor. Dean could never forgive himself for leaving Cas with Chuck and the Archangel.  _ Why couldn’t you just come with me, you asshole. _

‘Dean, are you even listening to me?’ Sam said, shaking him a little. 

‘Yeah. Whatever, it’s the least of our worries,’ Dean said.

‘Anyway, so we know that Lucifer is free. What else?’ Dean asked, trying to get the conversation away from Cas.

‘Dean, that’s all we know. Have you prayed to Cas yet? Maybe he can bring us up to speed.’ Sam responded.

Dean took in a sharp breath at Cas’ name. He knew that he would have to tell Sam sooner or later, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. But then Dean thought of Cas’ bravery, staying with Chuck even though he would have gotten torn to shred by the Archangel.  _ If Cas can do that, then I can tell Sam. _

‘Cas is dead,’ Dean started, but had to pause, taking in some deep breaths. ‘We went to Chuck to find out where you were. I got out in time, but Cas was smited by whatever Archangel is attached to Chuck.’ Dean finished all at once. 

‘Oh, Dean. I’m sorry,’ Sam said a little awkwardly. 

Dean let out a soft noise and continued to drive in silence to Chuck’s house. It would be hours before they’d reach him, probably around 9 am. Sam looked at the time and tried to get as comfortable as he could in the chair, it took him a few minutes but after that, Sam slept for the rest of the ride.

Dean looked over to his sleeping brother, tears began to form in his eyes. Dean knew that he didn’t have a normal life, but even hunter’s lives aren't as crazy and chaotic as his.  _ This isn’t far, _ Dean hit the steering wheel,  _ why us? What’s so special about us? _

Dean whipped his face clear of tears and pulled himself together. Dean, for the next several hours, drove in silence to Chuck’s house and not a single thought was about Castiel. 

***

The door to Chuck’s house was slightly ajar. Sam pushed the door open with his finger and a burning smell engulfed their senses. Sam entered the house first followed by Dean. There was blood splattered everywhere and the smelt of a burnt person only got stronger as they moved throughout the house. 

Sam and Dean made their way through the kitchen and into the main living area. It seemed as if they were the only ones in Chuck’s house, that is, until Chuck charged at Sam with a toilet plunger, hitting him on the head with no real strength.

‘Jeez. Ow,’ Sam complained, holding his head where Chuck hit him.

‘Sam?’ Chuck said, surprised.

‘Yeah,’ Sam replied.  _ Obviously. _

‘So, you’re okay?’ Chuck questioned. 

Dean didn’t say much on arrival, just a few grunts in response to whatever Sam would ask of him. The last time Dean was here Cas was alive and being back didn’t feel right. Dean was not good. Sure, he was alive and so was Sammy, but he felt lonely again. This somehow felt worse than when his father died. Dean hadn’t felt this lonely since, well, before he met Cas. 

‘Well, my head hurts,’ Sam pointed out. 

‘No. I-I mean, well, my last vision. Sam, you went full-on Vader. Your body temperature was 150, your heart rate was 200. I mean, eyes went black,’ Chuck stammered. 

‘Your eyes went black?’ Dean spoke up. 

In all honesty, Chuck hadn’t really noticed Dean as he stood in the corner behind Sam. 

‘I didn’t know,’ Sam was embarrassed. 

‘Oh, hey Dean,’ Chuck said in a low, sympathetic voice. ‘I’m sorry about Cas. I tried to get him to leave but we wouldn’t budge.’

Dean just let out a soft, low whimper.  _ Cas, you can be so goddamn stupid sometimes, _ Dean said to himself while shaking his head. He didn’t exactly know who he was talking to, if he was talking to anyone at all. 

‘The Archangel smote the crap out of him. Yeah, he exploded like a water balloon of-’ Chuck started, but was interrupted with a ‘yeah’ from Dean. 

The three of them stood in silence. Dean looked at Sam and then back at Chuck, shook his head and left the room sighing. Dean just wanted to go home,  _ I don’t have a home.  _

‘You got a-’ Sam started, indicating to Chuck a piece of Cas that was in his hair near his ear. 

Chuck picked a tooth out from his hair. ‘Is that a molar? Do I have a molar in my hair?’ Chuck asked as Sam nodded. 

Dean walked to the place in the kitchen where Cas stood as he zapped him to the Convent. Dean caught himself muttering a ‘why Cas’ under his breath. 

‘Cas you stupid bastard,’ Dean said a little louder, loud enough for Sam to hear. 

‘Stupid? He was trying to help us,’ Sam said, turning around to face Dean. 

‘Yeah. Exactly.’ Dean said, placing his hands on a chair, resting on it. 

Dean tried extremely hard to not think about Cas, but of course, that’s all he could think about. Dean didn’t think of anything in particular, just Cas and his trench coat with his tie around the other way. Dean succumbed to a soft smile.

‘Cas.’ Dean said. He remembered what Cas did in the green room yesterday. 

‘What?’ Sam questioned. 

Dean cut his hand with the demon knife and started to paint on the sliding door the sigil that Cas drew when he expelled Zachariah. 

‘Cas drew this in his blood and when Cas slammed his hand on it, Zachariah disappeared.’

Sam just looked at Dean, a little confused. 

‘It’s an insurance policy in case the angels show up,’ Dean summed up. 

Just as Dean slid the door open to hide the sigil a rather annoying voice sounded from behind him. 

‘I knew we’d find you here,’ Zachariah said, Dean turned around and was met with three angels. ‘Playtime’s over, Dean. It’s time you come with us.’

‘No. You can keep your distance, ass-hat,’ Dean said, holding up a hand to distance himself.

‘You’re upset,’ Zachariah verbally noted.

‘Yeah, a little. You sons of bitches jumpstarted Judgement Day!’ Dean exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at Zachariah 

‘Maybe we let it happen, but we didn’t start anything. Right, Sammy?’ Zachariah said with a small smile on his face. Zachariah winked at Sam.

‘You had a chance to stop your brother and you didn’t. So let’s not quibble over who started what. Say it was all our faults and move on because whether you like it or not, it’s Apocalypse time now,’ Zachariah said without a care in the world, without a care for what happened to Cas.

‘You and I both know that if you had just let me go when I wanted I could have stopped Sam and C-Cas would still be alive,’ Dean said in return, stumbling over Cas’ name. The very thought of Cas being alive right now filled Dean with joy.

‘Regardless, Dean, we’re back on the same team now-’ Zachariah was cut off by Dean.

‘Is that so?’ Dean said with a little chuckle, turning to look at Sam and Chuck.

‘You wanna kill the devil, we want you too. It’s synergy.’ Zachariah said, grinning at Dean.

‘And I’m supposed to trust you?’ Dean asked, rhetorically. 

‘It’s not a game, son. Besides, you would have trusted Castiel, we’re brothers and now-’ Zachariah was cut off by Dean.

Dean lunged at Zachariah but was caught by his two henchmen. ‘You don’t have the right to talk about Cas. Don’t you dare!’ Dean yelled, spitting at Zachariah. The two henchmen threw him back against Sam’s legs.

‘Lucifer is powerful in ways that defy description. We need to strike now, hard and fast, before he finds his vessel,’ Zachariah said staring down at Dean.

‘His vessel? Lucifer needs a meat suit?’ Sam asked as he helped his brother up. Dean moved to his previous position near the sliding door.

While Dean was on the floor he cut his hand again so the sigil would receive fresh blood in just a moment. 

‘He is an Angel. Them’s the rules,’ Zachariah said, looking back at his henchmen with a chuckle. ‘And once he touches down, we’re talking four horsemen, red oceans, fiery skies, the greatest hits. You can stop him, Dean, but you need our help.’

‘You listen to me, you two two-faced douche, after what you did, after you letting Cas die-’ Dean took a moment, ‘-I don’t want jack squat from you.’ Dean finished. At any moment Dean would expel the angels.

‘You think you can rebel against us? As Lucifer did,’ Zachariah shook his head and looked down and saw Dean’s bloodied hand. ‘You’re bleeding,’ he pointed out.

‘Oh, yeah. A little insurance policy in case you dicks showed up.’ At that, Dean pulled the sliding door towards him and slapped his freshly bleeding hand over the sigil. 

Zachariah and the other angels attempted to stop them but they were too slow. In a bright light, the three angels that were in Chuck’s kitchen disappeared. 

‘I learned that from my friend Cas, you son of a bitch,’ Dean said. 

This was the first time Dean had said Cas’ name without stumbling over it or starting to cry. Dean felt like he had accomplished something. Even though he had only known Cas for a year, he had become his best friend, and at times, his only friend. Dean knew that it was going to be a journey to get over Cas’ death, and saying his name as clear as day was a start.

_ I’m sorry, Cas,  _ Dean told himself and walked out to the stolen car.

‘Right, um, thanks for everything Chuck,’ Sam said, following his brother out of the house.

‘Wait, Sam-’ Chuck started and took some pages out from his jacket, flicking through them.

‘-Here, take these. You’re gonna need them,’ Chuck finished.

‘Thanks,’ Sam said in reply and walked out of the house and got into the car. The boys drove to the Regent Inn Hotel.

***

A knock sounded at the door and Dean opened it. ‘Hey, Bobby,’ Dean said, hugging him.

‘Good to see you boys all in one piece,’ Bobby told them both.

Bobby wouldn’t let anybody know it but last night was one of the worst days of his existence right after his wife’s death. The boys held a special place in Bobby’s heart. Bobby was there for Sam when he wanted to go to college and finally get out of the life, and Bobby was there for Dean after his first solo hunt on his seventeenth birthday. Bobby never teased or bullied them like their father did, he could never bring himself to do it. 

As Bobby hugged Sam he spoke again, ‘You boys sure are stupid sometimes.’ Bobby lightly slapped Sam over his head. Sam rubbed his head.

‘You weren't followed were you?’ Dean asked.

‘You mean by angels, demons, or Sam’s new super-fan?’ Bobby replied smartly

‘You hear,’ Sam laughed.

‘I heard, Romeo,’ Bobby smiled.

The three of them stood in silence for a while, Bobby taking in everything that has happened in the past year.

‘So, the Sword of Michael, huh?’ Bobby said, breaking the silence.

‘You mean the actual Sword from the actual Archangel?’ Dean said. He didn’t want to believe this just like how he didn’t want to believe in angels or Cas.

‘You better friggin hope so. It’s the only lead we got,’ Bobby said walking over to the worn-out table. 

‘Sam would you get the box of books out of the car for me,’ Bobby asked, throwing the keys to Sam while eyeing Dean.

‘Sure,’ Sam replied and left the room.

Dean walked over to his bed and started fiddling with his gun. Dean knew what Bobby wanted, he did this every time. Bobby just scoffed at him and threw his flask at him.

‘What, Bobby?’ Dean said, looking up and smirking at Bobby.

‘Now, are you gonna tell me straight up or are we gonna act like a couple of soccer mums and dance around the subject?’ Bobby asked, a little annoyed.

‘There’s nothing to talk about Bobby. We just need to keep moving forward.’ Just as Dean finished Sam walked through the door with the box of books Bobby brought with him. Bobby just rolled his eyes at Dean.

‘Now-’ Bobby started as he flicked through the books, finally choosing one and opening it up to a bookmarked page.

‘-That’s Michael. The toughest son of a bitch they got.’

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and walked over to Bobby and Sam, looking at all the pictures of Michael. ‘Are you kidding me? Touch? The guy looks like Cate Blanchett.’ 

‘I wouldn't want to meet him in an alley, believe me. He commands the Heavenly host. During the last big spring-clean upstairs, he was the one who booted Lucifer’s ass to the basement and he did it with that big sword. So, if we can find it-’ Bobby explained, pointing the sword out to Sam and Dean.

‘-We can kick the devil's ass all over again. Alright, where do we start?’ Sam finished with a question, placing the papers Chuck gave him on the table.

‘Divvy up and start reading. Try and make sense of Chuck’s nonsense,’ Bobby returned, flipping through the pages Chuck gave Sam.

Sam walked over to the lounge and stopped. Sam sighed a heavy sigh and felt like he was on the verge of tears. 

_ You always fail, the disappointment of the family. You disappointed dad so much that he left you with someone else, and now, you’re disappointing him. _

‘Kid? You okay?’ Bobby asked.

Sam considered saying yes like he always did with his father, but he trusted Bobby and so he said ‘no, actually. Bobby this is all my fault, I’m sorry.’

‘Sam-’ Dean started, trying to explain to Sam again that it wasn’t his fault, but he was interrupted by Sam.

‘-Lilith did not break the Final Seal. Lilith was the Final Seal,’

‘Sam, Stop it.’ 

A soft ‘what?’ came from Bobby's lips.

‘I killed her and I set Lucifer free.’

‘Sam, listen to me. You were manipulated by a fucking demon to drink demon blood. You thought you were doing the right-‘ Dean started, putting down his coffee mug on the bench and walking over to Sam. 

‘-I swear Dean if you are going to say the “right thing” I’ll stab you. Besides, you guys warned me about Ruby but I didn’t listen’ Sam interrupted, pointing a hard finger at Dean.

‘Boys-’ Bobby said, trying to break up their fight but Dean persisted. 

‘It’s kind of like saying that I killed Cas, Sam, not the god damn Archangel,’ Dean said, getting a little emotional. 

Dean turned away and walked out into the hallway to calm down, slamming the door on the way out Dean knew that he had practically killed Cas by not forcing him to come with him to the Convent. He was just trying to make a point to Sam. 

In reality, their situations were different. Dean knew what was going to happen, Sam didn’t. 

_ I’m so, so sorry Cas.  _

Dean slid down the wall just beside the door and let his head fall into his hands. Dean knew that sooner rather than later Bobby or Sam would come out, so Dean held back the tears as best he could. But, of course, a few slipped and streamed down his face, his nose got runny and Dean had to use his sleeve to wipe his face clean. 

Dean could hear Bobby scolding Sam inside the room. Bobby called Sam ‘stupid,’ ‘reckless,’ ‘selfish’ and ‘arrogant,’ and it almost made Dean cry more. 

Dean knew that he was talking to Sam, but he couldn’t help but let those words hit home to him. Even though he hated thinking about it he couldn’t stop. Dean thought that Bobby sounded like his father. These were all words that John used to tell Dean, but Bobby was too good, better than his father. 

Dean hated himself for thinking that Bobby was anything like John. 

Dean hadn’t heard anything for a few seconds, but then, Dean heard Bobby speak. ‘If by some miracle we pull this off I want you to lose my number.’

Dean took in a sharp breath and flopped his legs flat on the ground, chucked his head back against the wall and let out a heavy sigh; some tears still streaming down his face. Dean was still sitting on the floor as the door opened and slammed shut, he saw Sam walking quickly down the hallway and out of the building. 

Dean sat in silence for a few moments before he heard a loud bang from the room. Usually, Dean would get up and rush into the room but he had no energy. Dean wanted to move, to check if something happened to Bobby but his limbs were heavy and he knew that if he stood up he would instantly fall down.

Dean heard the door opened and saw Bobby leaning against the doorpost. 

‘Get up. We don’t have time for this,’ Bobby said, kicking Dean in his upper right a little. 

Dean reluctantly followed Bobby inside and they both sat down at the table and started reading the books Bobby brought in silence. Dean didn’t want to say anything about what Bobby and Sam discussed, he didn’t want to imagine what would happen to him.

After some time of silence, Bobby spoke, ‘I never would have guessed that your daddy was right.’

Dean felt like he had Déjà vu. Dean had a conversion about Sam like this before with his father. In that conversation, Dean tried not to speak or even talk about. Sure, he was sad and angry about Sam going to Stanford but he never wanted this life and he was sure glad that Sam was in the right mind to get out of it.

‘About what?’ Dean asked, trying to avoid a similar outcome to what happened before with his father.

“About your brother. What John said was save Sam or kill him. Maybe we shouldn't have tried too hard to save him,’ Bobby replied.

‘Bobby-’ dean started, trying to shake off the conversation.

‘-He ended the world, Dean. And you and I weren’t strong enough to stop him proper. That’s on us. I'm just saying that your dad was right.’ Bobby interrupted. 

‘Dad,’ Dean said, rushing over towards his duffle bag. Dean fiddled through the plastic zip-lock bag and ruffled through all the different cards and notes. 

Dean wasn’t in the right headspace to completely take in what Bobby had just said. He knew that this wasn’t like Bobby to talk like this but maybe Sam kickstarting Armageddon was enough to do it.

‘What are you talking about, Dean?’ Bobby questioned.

‘Here,’ Dean said, flicking the card. 

‘What the hell is it?’ Bobby asked.

‘It’s a card from my dad’s lock-up in upstate New York, precisely, Castel Storage, 42 Rover Hill.’ Dean replied.

‘Huh,’ was Bobby’s reaction.

‘Castle on a hill of 42 dogs.’ Dean said with a smile on his face. 

Dean couldn’t help but think that he had yet disappointed Bobby with all this Armageddon stuff. He knew that comparing this to Sam was wrong but he just couldn’t stand disappointing Bobby.

‘So you think your dad had the Michael Sword the whole time?’ Bobby questioned.

‘I don’t know. But I’m sure this is what Chuck’s nonsense meant, what else could it be?’ Dean said. ‘C’mon, we got to call Sam.’ Dean added, putting his hand in his pocket to get his phone. 

‘Well, that’s good enough for me,’ Bobby said.

Dean was distracted trying to find Sam’s contact and suddenly he was hit so hard under the chin that he crashed through the small railing, bounced off the bed next to it and landed back-first on the floor. To say that Dean was shocked was an understatement.

Bobby picked him up by the collar of his shirt with two hands and when Dean was standing up, Bobby, with unnatural strength, kicked Dean in the chest, pushing him into the small closet, breaking the doors. 

Due to the shock and the slight pain, Dean could barely keep his eyes open long enough to know what was happening. As Bobby approached him, Dean noticed that his eyes were black and when Bobby picked him up Dean tried to fight him off, throwing his hands around the place trying to at least distract the demon which was possessing Bobby. 

Dean was moaning in pain. His eyes were barely open, and just as Dean thought that things could not get any worse he heard a voice coming from the door.

‘I always knew you were big, dumb, slow, dim pain in the ass, Dean.’ They started. The demon looked around the room and spotted the demon knife on the table near the door. ‘But I never knew you were so VIP. I mean, you’re gonna ice the devil?’ The demon picked up the knife and walked over to Dean with it, scraping it across his cheek, ‘If I’d known that, I would have ripped your pretty, pretty face off a long time ago.’

‘Ruby?’ Dean questioned, his eyes now fully open.

‘Try again. Go back further,’ the demon responded.

‘Meg?’ Dean couldn’t believe it.

‘Hi,’ Meg responded. ‘You know, we really owe your brother a fruit basket. Because of him, our Father’s among us. You know it’s the first time we’re all dreaming since we were human. It’s heaven on Earth, or hell.’ Meg chuckled, waving around the demon knife 

‘My God, you really like the sound of your own voice,’ Dean commented. He knew that it was stupid to do so, but he just couldn't help it.

‘You on the other hand. You’re the only bump in the road. So every demon is just trying to get their hands on you,’ Meg said, her voice raising an octave higher towards the end. ‘And I’m at the front of the line, baby.’

Meg grabbed Dean’s chin and she just smirks at him. She leans in and kisses Dean on the lips. It was disgusting. Dean tried to pull his head back but MEg kept him in place. Dean squeezed his eyes just and tried not to breath. Dean instinctively prayed for Cas to come and help him, for Cas to bust down the door and smite Meg and her demon minion, to incapacitate the demon in Bobby’s body so that Dean could exorcise it and set Bobby free. 

It felt like forever, but soon enough Meg let go. Dean looked her dead in the eye and spat in her face. 

‘You know your surrogate daddy is still kicking in there. Screaming. And I want him to know what it feels like to slice you up good.’ Meg said, handing the demon knife to the demon possessing Bobby. 

The Demon placed the knife along Dean’s throat where his carotid artery is. Dean’s arms straightened out and with all the force he could to try to keep the demon from pressing any further into his neck.

‘Bobby...Bobby.’ Dean stumbled multiple times.

The demon backed Dean into a wall and Bobby’s eyes turned all black. 

‘Bobby...Bobby, no!’ Dean exclaimed.

Just as the demon pulled the knife away to stab Dean in the stomach, Dean let out more quiet ‘Bobby’s.’ 

Dean had his head turned to the side, so, unbeknown to him, the black in Bobby’s eyes turned clear and Bobby was back. He could only hang on for so long. A loud ‘NO,’ rumbled from within Bobby and instead of letting himself stab Dean, Bobby stabbed himself in the abdomen and after a small moment fell to his knees. 

Dean felt this weight lift from him and he finally turned his head and surveyed the scene. Bobby was on the floor with the demon knife in him and Meg and her other minion demon stood in front of him.

Dean punched Meg in the chin, twice, and she went down. Dean was taken by the throat by the other demon and slammed up against the wall; that demon’s eyes turned black. The two grunted as the demon lifted Dean up further and slammed him back into the wall. 

Just as the demon slammed Dean into the wall again, he threw him down and the door to the room opened again. Dean could barely see out of his eyes and he was certainly winded. As he laid on the floor, he heard Sam yell, ‘NO.’

As Sam went to go to Bobby, still lying on the floor with the knife in him, he was hit in the face with an old, yellow, rotary dial telephone. Dean was kicked in the stomach. 

‘Hey, Sammy. Miss me? Because I sure missed you.’ Meg said as Sam stood up against the wall beside the open door.

‘Meg?’ Sam guessed correctly. Meg just laughed.

Sam went to attack Meg with a punch right to the throat, however, Meg ducked just in time and sucker-punched him in the gut, winding him instantly, then elbowing down on his back so that he fell face-first to the floor. As Sam tried to get up, Meg kicked him hard in the balls and Sam fell right down, again, onto his knees; then she kneed him in the face and straddled him, punching back and forth in the face, his nose, mouth and cheeks bloodied.

‘Not so special without your demon superpowers, aren't you, Sammy?’ Meg gloated. 

Meanwhile, Dean was repeatedly kicked in the stomach, each kick by the demon moving him closer to Bobby. Just as Dean’s back touched Bobby, Dean grabbed the demon knife out of Bobby and kicked the demon’s legs out from under him. Dean stabbed the demon in the heart, killing it.

Meg and Dean got up from the floor simultaneously, Meg stepped back a bit when she saw the demon knife in Dean’s hand. As Dean went to pounce on her, Meg smoked out, leaving the person she was possessing unconscious on the floor. 

‘Damn it!’ Dean exclaimed. 

Sam was whipping the blood off his face and tears from his eyes as he grumbled out an urgent ‘Bobby!’

Dean helped Sam up and Sam tossed Dean the keys to the Impala with a ‘here,’ and shook a pillowcase off of one of the pillows on the bed and scrunched it up. Sam and Dean got under each of Bobby’s shoulders, Sam holding the pillowcase to Bobby’s wound.

‘C’mon’ Dean said multiple times as they practically dragged him down the hallway and down the staircase to the car.

Dean helped Sam get them both into the back of the impala, Dean in front driving, though constantly looking back to check on Bobby. Dean sped the short way to the hospital, Dean now understood why his father always chose motels close to the hospitals. 

It felt like forever before they got there. Dean parked in one of the taxi bays without a care and rushed to get Sam and Bobby out of the car and into the ER.

As soon as Sam, Dean and Bobby were through the doors a nurse spotted them, Dean told her that Bobby was stabbed and the nurse quickly ordered a gurney.

‘Ok, Bobby. You’re gonna be okay,’ Sam said as both he and his brother placed Bobby on the gurney. Bobby looked faint.

Sam and Dean were going to follow after him but the nurse stopped them, ‘Just wait here,’ she said with a hand on Sam’s chest.

‘We can’t leave him,’ Dean checked out.

‘Just don’t move. I’ve got questioned.’ 

At that, Dean tried to get Sam to leave. Dean wanted to stay and be there for Bobby, but they were criminals and couldn't be there when the cops were. 

‘Sammy, we gotta go.’

‘No. No way, Dean.’

‘The demons heard where the Sword is. We gotta get to it before they do if we’re not late already. C’mon’

Dean was reluctant to leave Bobby and he could see the hurt on Sam’s face, but they had to keep on moving otherwise Cas would have died in vain and Bobby would have been stabbed for nothing.

***

Dean didn’t know how long it took to get to the Castle Storage at 42 Rover Hill, Sam was reading the map and telling Dean where to go and Dean was just driving. Neither had their eye on the time. Dean had his foot on the gas.

As the boys approached the Castle Storage, Dean slowed his speed and quietly rolled in. The boys got out of the car in silence and made way for the trunk. Sam and Dean wanted to be prepared for anything and everything the demons would throw at them. 

Each of the boys loaded their guns and placed them hastily in the back of their pants and kept an extra clip in the inside of their jackets. Sam and Dean then loaded their shotguns with salt rounds and kept a few extra shell casings as well. Dean whipped the demon blade clean and dipped it in some Holy Water for good luck. Sam closed the trunk of the Impala.

Dean wasn’t one for praying, unlike his brother. Dean knew that Castiel probably wouldn’t be there to receive his prayer, but probably wasn’t a definite no.

_ Cas. _

_ If there is any chance in the universe that you are somewhere and can hear me. Sam and I are at the Castle Storage place at 42 Rover Hill.  _

_ I need you, Cas, more than you know right now. I know I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life and trusted a lot of stupid people, but if trusting you right now is stupid, then sue me. _

_ You are the only person that I can fully trust right now. I know that Sam is my brother, but he just let Lucifer out of his cage. You are the only one, Cas. _

_ Sam and I are going after the Micahel Sword, and if there is any chance, even the slightest, that you can hear me, meet me here and maybe we can kick some ass together. _

‘Dean, you good?’ Sam asked.

‘Yeah. Super. Let’s go,’ Dean replied.

Sam and Dean cautiously walked into the storage place, shotguns at the ready. Dean was leading Sam into the building, their shoes quiet against the concrete floor making their way to storage locker 111.

As Sam and Dean came up to the storage locker, Dean pulled out his lock picking tool and began on the lock. After a few seconds, Dean successfully unlocks the locker and slides it open.

There were no demons to meet them there; Sam and Dean had their guns ready to shoot, each having a finger tight on the trigger. Instead, two bodies laid lifeless on the floor over a large demon trap, blood pooling from their mouths and eyes. 

Sam and Dean made their way carefully into the locker, discovering another body that was further away from the demon trap. Dean took a look around, there were cages and shelves of just  _ things. _

‘I see you told the demons where the Sword was,’ a voice said. Dean could place that voice anywhere. Zachariah.

The boys turned to face him. ‘Oh, thank god. The Angels are here,’ Dean said.

‘And to think, they could have grabbed it anytime they liked,’ Zachariah said, stepping over a body, making his way over to Dean and sliding the door closed with his angelic powers.

‘Right in front of them,’ Zachariah finished.

‘What do you mean?’ Sam asked.

‘Well, we may have planted that particular piece of prophecy into Chuck’s skull, but it happened to be true. We did lose the Michael Sword. We truly couldn't find it, until now you just hand deprived it to us,’ Zachariah informed.

‘We don’t have anything,’ Dean retorted, confused. 

‘It’s you, chucklehead. You’re the Micahel Sword.’ Zachariah confirmed. 

Dean could feel a pit forming in his stomach. Dean doesn't remember the last time he ate; his stomach is practically empty but yet he still feels like he could be sick at any moment. Dean threw his head back, looking up at the ceiling, praying for Cas to save him from this life. 

As Dean brought his head down, level with Zachariah's, Dean could feel his chest getting tighter.  _ Breathe, _ Dean told himself over and over and over again. Soon enough, he was imagining Cas telling him to breathe. 

_ Breathe, _ Cas would say in his deep voice reaching all parts of Dean. Dean could feel Cas’  _ breathe _ from within the pit of his stomach as if it were repairing it. Dean could feel Cas’  _ breathe _ in his chest and in his lungs, expanding throughout his whole body, calming Dean.

Dean took one deep, long breath as Cas instructed him to.

‘You didn’t actually think you could kill Lucifer, did you? You simpering wad of insecurity and self-loathing?’’ Zachariah said humorously.

Dean wanted to look back to Sam. He wanted to look anywhere but at Zachariah, but he couldn’t and it was slowly killing him.

‘No. You’re just a human, Dean, and not much of one.’ Zachariah finished.

A moment settled between Sam and Dean, and Zachariah and his posse.

‘What do you mean I’m the Sword?’ Dean asked. 

‘You’re Michael’s weapon, or rather, his receptacle.’

‘I’m a vessel?’ Dean asked, but he already knew the answer to this.

‘You’re _the_ vessel. Michael’s vessel.’ Zachariah responded simply. 

‘How? Why? Why me?’ Dean spitfired.

‘Because you are chosen. It’s a great honour, Dean. I mean I wouldn't bestow it onto you, but that’s not any of my business.’

‘Oh, yeah. Life as an angel condom. No thanks.’

‘Always joking, Dean. Well no more joking,’ Zachariah said, holding up a finger gun and pointing at Sam. ‘Bang!’ Zachariah said.

Sam collapsed with a grunt, clutching his leg.

‘You son of a bitch,’ Dean angrily said, spitting at Zachariah.

‘Quit mouthing off before I break more than his legs,’ Zachariah responded. 

‘I am completely and utterly done screwing around with you. War has begun and we don't have our General, that’s bad. So, Michael is going to take his vessel and lead the final charge against the adversary. You understand me?’ Zachariah said, spitting at Dean, chucking him serious and angry stares. 

Dean thought it would be best to not double cross or make Zachariah angry anymore, but when he’s under pressure like this, Dean just can’t help his mouth.

‘How many humans will die in the crossfire, huh? A million, five, ten? How many?’ Dean yelled at Zachariah.

‘Probably more,’ Zachariah informed, ‘if Lucifer goes unchecked, how many die? All of them. He’ll roast the planet alive.’ Zachariah confessed. ‘It is written.’

‘Okay, consider this, NO!’ Dean said in response.

‘No,  _ you  _ consider this. We know your friend Bobby is gravely injured, say “yes” and we’ll heal him, say “no” and he’ll never walk again.’ Zachariah posed.

Dean considered it for a second, but he knew that if Bobby found out that he said yes to letting Armageddon go ahead, he'd never make it out of it alive, not if Bobby had a say in it.

Dean scrunched up his face. ‘No.’

‘How about this, we heal you of…’ Zachariah thought, looking back at the angels behind him. ‘...Stage-four stomach cancer?’ he said, looking down at Dean’s stomach.

Dean doubled over in pain, crashing to the ground on his knees, coughing up pools of blood. ‘NO.’

‘Then let’s get really creative. Let’s see how Sam does without his lungs?’ Zachariah rhetorically asked Dean.

Sam began taking in large gasps of air, struggling to breathe. Dean looked over at Sam and saw him wheezing for what felt like an eternity before he could wrap his mind around what was happening. Dean felt helpless.

Zachariah walked over to Dean. ‘Are we having fun yet?’ he asked Dean sarcastically. Zachariah then grabbed his chin and pulled Dean up a bit, ‘You are going to say “yes,” Dean.’

‘Just kill us,’ Dean said, spitting blood into Zachariah’s face. 

‘Kill you? Oh no, I’m just getting started.’ Just as Zachariah finished, a bright light erupted from behind him. Unmistakably, it was the sound of an angel dying.

Zachariah turned around and stood in awe as he saw Cas alive, standing there, angel blade in hand.

Cas punched the other angel across the face and kicked him into the cage. Cas punched him a few more times across the face and was able to disarm the angel, breaking both his arms in multiple places in the process. Each time the angel tried to run away, Cas would just kick him into the cage, eventually holding him up by the throat. Cas threw him into a shelf and stabbed him with the angel blade. 

Sam and Dean, however, were still on the floor suffering from broken legs, stomach cancer and a lack of lungs. Sam had his eyes closed, unable to see anything going on, but Dean had his eyes open just a sliver, overcoming the pain of cancer to see who his saviour was.

Dean could barely see anything as the second angel was killed. Dean hoped that it would be Cas but his mind kept telling him that he was dead.  _ Cas is dead. He isn’t coming back, Dean. You’re alone, again. _

Just as the light died down, Dean somehow managed to open his eyes just a sliver and his breath hitched in his throat. Dean could spot that beige trenchcoat anywhere. Dean tried to choke out a quiet Cas but instead coughed up some blood, gaining Castiel’s attention.

‘How are you-’

‘Alive? It’s a good question.’ Cas said. ‘How did these two end up on that aeroplane? Another good question, because the angels didn’t do it. I think we both know the answer, don’t we?’

Cas didn't want to engage in a silly conversation with Zachariah, but he knew that Zachariah wouldn't let him get anywhere near Dean to brainwash him into refusing Michael without a fight. So, Cas opted to scare his way past.

‘No. That’s not possible,’ Zachariah said, astonished.

‘It scares you. Well, it should. Now put these boys back together and leave, I won’t ask twice.’ Cas said, gripping his drenched angel blade so hard that his knuckles turned white. 

Both Sam and Dean were seconds away from death when Zachariah healed them and left. Both Sam and Dean took in massive breaths, sucking in as much oxygen as they possibly could.

Dean, feeling better, couldn’t take his eyes away from Cas. He was dead, and now he’s here, alive.  _ Did God do this? _ He asked himself.

‘Cas.’ 

‘Dean.’

Cas hastily moved over to Dean to help him off the floor, their eyes not parting from each other. 

‘You two need to be more careful,’ Cas said, finally pulling his eyes away from Dean, looking over to Sam.

‘Cas,’ Dean rushed to him, holding him by the shoulders and looking him up and down. ‘You’re alive.’

Dean and Cas just stared at each other, the storage locker, Sam and all the bodies in it seemed to evaporate from their vision. Dean was seeing Cas’ blue eyes, swallowing his entire vision. Cas saw Dean, his soul and everything good about him, he was blown away.

A rogue cough by Sam seemed to bring the two back into reality and Cas looked away. Cas turned his back on Dean, shrugging his hands away. 

‘Lucifer is circling his vessel, and once he takes it, those hex bags won’t be enough to protect you,’ Cas informed, turning around to face them both, finally. 

At this, Cas walked up to them and touched his fingers to Sam and Dean’s sternum. Both Sam and Dean bent over in pain, grunting.

‘What the hell was that,’ Dean said, grabbing his chest.

‘An Enochian sigil. It’ll hide you from every angel in existence, including Lucifer.’ Cas replied. 

‘Did you brand us with it?’ Dean asked.

‘No. I carved it into your ribs,’ Cas said.

All three stood in the storage locker in silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say nor if anything needed to be said - other than a thank you, if course.

‘Hey, Cas, were you really dead?’ Sam asked, he knew that Dean would never ask but they needed to know what happened when Lucifer was released. They can’t go in blind.

Cas looked at Dean, hesitant, but finally admitted. ‘Yes.’

‘Then h-how are you back?’ Dean asked, stammering over his words. He didn’t want to think of Cas being dead ever again.

Cas just looked at Dean, he considered telling him everything, he should have told him everything. The words  _ God, I believe _ were on the tip of his tongue, he just had to say it. But, the worried eyes of Dean Winchester prevented him from saying anything. 

Cas could see the hope and joy in Dean’s eyes when he saw Cas after thinking he was dead, forever gone, he couldn't ruin it. Cas couldn't bear it if his words and reasoning were the reasons that Dean lost this hopeful feeling.

Cas didn’t go anywhere in particular, he was thinking of Dean when he left, eyes closed. It was still dark when Cas finally opened his eyes after a minute. He was sitting on a park bench at a playground. It was the same park bench where he and Dean had finally seen eye to eye. Cas looked over to where Dean sat that day. Cas could still feel him.

This feeling, however, was dimmed. Cas could not mistake this feeling. It was as if everything that was good in this world had just disintegrated into a pile of impurity. 

Lucifer had his vessel.

***

No one had noticed the change. Sam and Dean were in Bobby’s hospital room as Lucifer’s vessel said yes. At that exact time, Bobby was told by the doctors that he would never walk again. 

‘“Unlikely to walk again”? Why, you snot-nosed son of a bitch? Wait till I get out of this bed. I’ll use my game legs to kick your friggin ass!’ Bobby exclaimed, yelling that last part. 

The doctor could not have ran out of the room fast enough, Sam and Dean just chuckled to themselves in their corner of the room.

‘Yeah, you better run!’ Bobby exclaimed again, calling after the doctor.

Bobby took in some deep breaths, composing himself. ‘You believe that yahoo?’

‘Screw him, you’ll be fine,’ Dean reassured him. Bobby couldn't be anything but fine, he was always fine. 

‘So let me ask the million-dollar question. What the hell do we do now?’ Sam asked, shaking off a laugh, getting all serious in his stance and tone.

‘Well...we save as many as we can as long as we can, I guess.’ Bobby suggested.

Sam, Dean and Bobby were all out of their league with this one. It was the best that Bobby could come up with. The three of them let the silence settle between them, longing for the days where they would kill only ghosts, vampires and exorcise demons. What each of them would give to trade lives with another clueless hunter, but neither of them could ever give that burden to someone else. 

Honestly, Dean couldn’t stand anyone else being raised from Hell by Castiel, even his own brother. It just seemed wrong.

‘It’s bad,’ Bobby chirped up. ‘Whoever wins, Heaven or Hell, we’re boned.’ He finished.

‘What if we win?’ Dean asked, Bobby just looked at him weirdly.  _ That’ll never happen _ , Bobby thought.

‘I’m serious,’ Dean started. ‘Screw the demons and the angels and their crap Apocalypse. You know, they wanna fight a war, they can get their own planet. This one’s ours and I say they get the hell of it.’ With the exception of Cas of course.

‘We take on all of them. We kill the Devil, Michael if we have to, but we do it our own damn selves.’ Dean finished, walking around the room, brainstorming his idea.

‘And how are we supposed to do that, genius?’ Bobby posed.

‘I’ve got no fucking idea.’ Dean responded. ‘But what I do have is a GED and a give ‘em hell attitude and I’ll figure it out.’ He finished.

‘You are nine kinds of crazy boy. Just remember, you also got a pre-law boy over there-’ Bobby said pointing a thumb over at Sam, ‘-and a crippled drunk over here,’ Bobby finished pointing to himself.

The three of them let out quiet laughs of agreement.

‘Yeah, and I heard the three of them are gonna save the world,’ Dean said with a rare, genuine smile on his face.

‘Listen, you stay on the mend and we’ll see you in a bit,’ Dean said, placing a hand on Bobby’s shoulder and giving it a good squeeze.

‘Sam,’ Bobby called as Sam was just about to pass through the threshold of the room, ‘I was awake. I know what I said back there. I just want you to know that was the demon talking. I ain’t cutting you out, boy. Not ever.’ Bobby said, apologising to Sam.

‘Thanks, Bobby,’ Sam said, leaning over the bed to give Bobby a sincere hug.

‘You're welcome.’ Bobby said into his ear. As Sam stood up, Bobby spoke again, ‘I deserve a damn medal for this, but you're welcome.’ 

The three just smiled and Sam and Dean walked out of the room and to the Impala. Destination? Some crappy motel near the hospital to lie low, maybe catch a few hours of shut-eye before the world erupts in flames. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote above from 'Wide Eyed' - Billy Lockett


End file.
